


Living in the Shadow

by GoRadio



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drama, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Literally James has a sister there's no way this can be canon, Love Triangles, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Not Canon Compliant, Regulus Black Deserves Better, Regulus Black Feels
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:53:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 45,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26102983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoRadio/pseuds/GoRadio
Summary: Jade Potter is entering her sixth year at Hogwarts, ready for another year of mayhem with her best friend by her side. Will she be able to mend the broken relationship between her and James? Will she start to fit in with her housemates? Will she figure out where she stands in a world being split between good and evil? Will she find love in the arms of a certain Black brother? Will she EVER get through a potions lesson without mucking everything up?
Relationships: Regulus Black/Original Female Character(s), Regulus Black/Sirius Black/Original Female Character(s), Sirius Black/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 97





	1. The Unbreakable Family Unit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author’s Note:  
> This is a very, very old story I started many moons ago on fanfiction.net. I am currently in the midst of rewriting and reworking the whole thing because this story has haunted me for the past ten years. It’s time to finally finish it so maybe my brain will get some rest. It’s been a special type of hell, reading through what my thirteen year old brain thought was hilarious. I don’t want to update it over on FF.net until I finish the whole rewrite, but I figured I’d post it here to get some feedback.

"Jade! Hurry up honey, we're going to be late." I hear my mother call calmly up the stairs.

"Yeah, one second," I replied while throwing the last of my school robes in my trunk, shutting it with a dull click as the latch struggled to stay closed. I run through my mental list of things I need for my sixth year at Hogwarts. I  _ should  _ have everything packed, but there is strong evidence from past behavior that I have ultimately forgotten something. I’m sure it will come to me eventually, probably when I’m in dire need of whatever it is that I’m forgetting. Orderliness isn’t my strongest suit. Neither is timeliness. I can hear my family growing restless downstairs. I’m always late, never on time, always running behind. One of the endless differences between myself and my perennially punctual family.

"Jade!" I hear my mother yell, finally growing impatient enough to add annoyance to her voice. I sigh and start walking downstairs, my trunk clunking behind me with each step. My parents are standing in the foyer with my older brother and his best friend. James has his head boy badge pinned to his robes, because  _ of course  _ he’s head boy. It came as a shock to everyone, himself included, but now he is relishing in it. I don’t know what Dumbledore is thinking. Maybe one of the qualifications for being head boy is being a git. I don’t even care that James is head boy, I just care that now there is yet another expectation James has set that I will never achieve. The list feels never ending: not on the quidditch team, mediocre grades at best, one singular friend instead of a whole  _ posse,  _ not sorted into Gryffindor. Now we can add  _ “ not head girl”  _ to the list. 

I tend to spend an extreme amount of time staring at the floor when I’m with my family. It’s always uncomfortable, there’s nothing for us to really talk about anyway. I look up briefly as I reach the bottom of the stairs and find the hard gaze of my brother. My eyes divert themselves back to the floor with lightning speed. I can feel the snide remarks loaded on the lips of James and Sirius.

“It’s about time,” Sirius says, breaking the silence. I stare harder into the ground. I don’t bother to answer, there’s no point. Mum will be upset if we get in a fight right before we’re about the leave. I don’t understand why James and Sirius are so nasty to me, but I’ve come to expect it. 

"We're apparating to King's Cross,” my mum says. Oh great, apparating, my favorite. I don’t like small spaces, and I don’t like the feeling of my lungs being crushed. "You'll do side along with me, Jade." She keeps talking, but I’m not really listening to her. This whole situation is filling me with anxiety. I don’t want to be here, in this house with my family, but I also hate apparating.

"Mmhm,” I nod my head. I link arms with my mum and brace myself. I try to look on the bright side. Soon I will be away from the endless disappointment of my parents, from the glares and backhanded remarks of James and Sirius. Soon I will be with my best friend, in a train compartment, eating too many Bertie Bott’s and laughing until my face hurts.

_ CRACK.  _ The air is sucked out of my body and it feels like death is imminent. I wait for the white light everyone says you see. Instead, I am met with fluorescent overhead lighting of King’s Cross. Muggles bustle around us, hurrying off to catch their trains. I can hear James and Sirius chattering loudly about how  _ this is going to be their best year yet  _ as we make our way to 9 ¾. I can’t help but roll my eyes. They say this every year. At least this is their last year at Hogwarts. I cannot even fathom the peace that my life will know next year, when James and his friends have graduated. 

"Bye Mum, Dad, I love you." I hug them quickly and say my goodbyes. The platform was full of students and families swarming around us. My parents tell me they love me and to keep up my grades, even though they know I won't.

"We're proud of you," Mum says to me, looking me in the eyes. I do have to say that my mum does  _ try _ . It’s just hard for it to feel sincere when everything she says to me is so heavily laced with pity.

“Thanks, mum,” is all I manage to squeak out. I know she wishes I would try harder. I know she means well. I wish I would try harder. I want to have one of those mother daughter relationships that you read about, that I see in the muggle movies I like to watch. I struggle to feel connected to anyone in the family though. I feel disconnected from most people.

Dad doesn’t say anything to me, which is fine. Him and I have even less to talk about than mum. I give mum a weak hearted wave as I head towards the train. I can hear my parents fussing over James, showering him with praise and love. I can literally feel all of it going to his insufferable ego. I remember when the four of us used to be close, the unbreakable family unit. I remember when the first and most significant crack formed in our foundation.

" _ Potter, Jade." McGonagall calls as I walk up towards the sorting hat. I glance over to my big brother, James, as he gives me a grin and shoots me a thumbs up. Sirius is sitting next to him, grinning just the same. The whole Gryffindor table murmurs with excitement. James spent all summer telling me how many friends he has at school, how cool his whole house is. I am giddy. Everyone in my family has been placed in Gryffindor, it's a Potter tradition. _

_ The hat is placed on my head and covers my eyes. A chill creeps down my spin as a voice starts talking to me. Dread fills my body as a horrible feeling sinks into my gut. _

" _ Ahh a Potter" It says, while another chill runs down my vertebrae . "Where to put you? Where to put you? The choice feels obvious.” I think to myself “Gryffindor! Gryffindor!” to which the hat responds “there is some courage in here, yes, but what I see is hunger. I see a heart full of ambition, of pride. You’re adaptable and certainly have a knack for rule breaking. You’re determined. You want to prove yourself, that is what you desire. I will give you that opportunity, young Potter.” I feel my palms go sweaty. “SLYTHERIN!” the hat’s voice echoes through the Great Hall. Silence. The room is absolutely silent, which makes things worse. _

_ I look towards James, who is frowning. I make eye contact with him, and he quickly looks away. He’s shaking his head, he looks disgusted. I swallow the lump in my throat, still in shock of everything that is happening. I see him muttering to Sirius, who has a grim look on his face. I can’t tear my eyes away from them.  _

_ “Miss Potter, please get off the stool and go to your table.” McGonagall motions to the Slytherin table. I am still stunned, but manage to get to my feet. My knees feel shaky, my feet made of lead. I look towards the table of silver and green. They don’t look pleased either, noses wrinkled at the sight of me making my way towards them. I see a boy with the same face as Sirius. He raises his eyebrows at me and gives me a small, tight lipped grin. It’s the friendliest face at the table amongst all of the scowls.  _

I’m staring out of the compartment window, watching families wave their children goodbye. I feel tears welling in my eyes, but I swallow hard and fight them off. I don’t cry much anymore, I did enough of that when I was younger.

"You!" My best friend cries as he sits down across from me, door rattling shut behind him. 

"What, I'm not even worthy of a name?" I laugh as I look up at Regulus Black.

"Nope, not even a little bit,  _ you _ " He grins, the corners of his gray eyes crinkling. Seeing Regulus smile always makes me smile. Sometimes I think we’re the only people who can get the other to do that. I feel my body start to relax, the tension leaving my shoulders and temples, just at the presence of Reg. “Are you okay? You look upset,” he asks with genuine concern. He always knows when I’m off. He can read me like no one else can.

"Yeah, I was just…thinking about my family…first day back is always hard, you know what I mean?” I struggle to find the right words, but Regulus nods his head in understanding. I know he gets it. He also has a  _ very _ strained relationship with his brother. Contrary to the distance between my parents and I, Regulus’ parents are  _ obsessed  _ with him. Especially his mom. She dotes on Regulus to the point where it is unhealthy. I know he has a lot of pressure and expectations from his parents. You would think Sirius would have set the bar low for Regulus, getting blasted off the family tree and all, but somehow the bar is now even higher for Regulus. It’s like he is expected to make up for all of the grief and shame Sirius has brought his family.

"I know what you mean. It’s always hard to have  _ family time, _ ” he says the words while wrinkling his nose. “I can’t even imagine having to live with the terrible twins. Did they say anything to you today?”

“Not really. Sirius gave me some attitude about running late, but it was mostly just dirty looks from them. Too busy talking about themselves to harrass me.”

“Typical,” Regulus says with a slight sneer. “I’m sorry you have to deal with them. And your family. I know it’s hard with your parents too, especially your dad.” 

“It’s like him and James are mirrors of each other. The disappointment from both of them is identical and it’s horrible.” I can hear it in my voice that I’m starting to sound distraught. I have to reel my emotions in.

“I’m sorry Jade. You don’t need them. You have me!” Regulus says with a cheeky grin. I roll my eyes, but I smile back at him. I do have him, that’s all I really need.

“Oh that’s very comforting. Who needs a brother or a father when you have a smarmy bastard of a best friend,” I retort, still smiling.

“Hey, I prefer to be called  _ charming _ ,” he says defensively.

I look out the window and catch one last glance of my parents waving. They aren’t looking in my direction, they’re waving to James. It’s cool. It’s fine.

“You would think after six years they’d get over me being in Slytherin. I don’t know why they took it so personally, especially my dad and James. It’s like they look at me and only see what color school uniform I wear.”

“It’s quite childish of them, if you ask me,” Regulus says.

“It’s not just childish, it’s hypocritical.  _ I _ don’t care that I was sorted into a different house from them. I don’t think any less of anyone who is sorted into another house. Aren’t slytherins supposed to be the ones who hate people for where they come from? You know, pureblood nonsense and all?”

“Mmmmhm,” Regulus nods. “So hard being the black sheep of the family,” a ghost of a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Hey now, don’t minimize my black sheep plight. I’m sure it’s soooo hard being the favorite child,” I retorted cheekily.

"You want to trade places? It’s exhausting being the golden boy of the family. So much pressure to uphold the name of  _ the most ancient and noble family of Black. _ Your parents fuss over you constantly, the micromanaging never stops. Never any time to yourself.”

"No thanks,” I wrinkle my nose at the thought of having to live a life like Regulus. “That sounds much worse. All I have to really do is hide in my room at home and not talk to anyone.” 

“What I would give to not have to be smothered by family all of the time. It’s like my mother thinks if she doesn’t stay overly involved in everything I do I’m going to run away from home too,” I can hear Regulus’ voice start to have an edge. “It’s all bullshit. I wasn’t even  _ supposed  _ to be the golden boy. I’m the second born son, the  _ oops _ baby that my parents certainly did not plan on having or particularly wanted. I was  _ supposed _ to have a nice quiet life with minimal expectations, but now I have  _ all _ of the expectations.”

“I’m sorry Reg, you deserved to have the black sheep life too,”

“I know! But of course, Sirius gets that  _ too _ ,” Regulus says with a frown. We sit in silence in the compartment for a moment, letting the conversation settle between us. “It’s not really the train ride back to Hogwarts if we don’t complain about families, huh?” Reg says, finally breaking the silence.

"Of course. Have to air out the family distress before we can kick off another year of chaos,” I say with a smile, as the frown finally leaves Reg’s face. I can see the prefect badge on his robes catching the sun from the window. “Don’t you have your prefect meeting?” I point out.

"Oh shit. I do. Thank you, I can’t believe you’re the one who is on top of things,” Regulus hurries out of the compartment. He pokes his head back in the door, “please do not kill anything or hurt yourself while I’m gone. I’ll be back soon.”

“No promises!” I shout as he walks away.

I watch the English countryside fly by, rolling hills of emerald reduced to green blurs. I already wish Reg would come back from his meeting. I spend all of my holidays isolated and alone, and as soon as I get to be reunited with Regulus and get a taste for having someone to actually talk to, it’s all my brain wants. I am often awestruck that Regulus is my friend at all. We are as different as James and I are. Regulus has stellar marks in all of his classes, he’s prefect in our year, he’s got a good rapport with all of our teachers and housemates, he’s even captain of the Slytherin quidditch team for Merlin’s sake. There’s nothing he can’t do, and instead of dismissing me as his lesser, he embraces me as his friend. His best friend. He helps me with my schoolwork so I don’t flunk out, he’s understanding that it’s hard for me to make new friends, he doesn’t care what house I’m in or what family I come from. He’s always the calm and collected to my chaotic and careless. I feel very lucky to have someone like Regulus in my corner, and I take great pride in calling him my best friend. Anyone would be lucky to have a friend like him.

It’s starting to feel like an eternity since Reg left for his meeting. They usually don’t take this long, where is he? I hear the compartment door slide open and see his dark hair out of the corner of my eye. “Finally! What took so long? I was starting to assume you were shacking up with Vivian Bulstrode, you know she’s been wanting to jump your bones since last year,” my voice soft and full of laughter. The laughter quickly ceases. “What are you doing in here?” my eyes narrow.

“Shhh.” Sirius holds a finger to his lips.

“BLACK!” I hear yelling from out in the hallway as a loud crash fills in the train, quickly followed by the sound of heavy footsteps. More cursing and shouting. Sirius is now laughing into his palm, trying to not make a sound.

“What are you doing in here?” I repeat myself, the annoyance is clear in my tone. Where the  _ hell _ is Regulus?

“Obviously I’m hiding. Would it kill you to be quiet?” Sirius says in a fast whisper.

"What are you hiding from?” I ask, dropping my voice. 

"Just pranked Snivellus. Shh." I heard the loud, thudding footsteps walk right by my compartment. I don’t even know what to say to him, how to express exactly how irritated I am that he is intruding on my personal reflection time while I wait for Regulus to return.

I look up at him with a frown on my face. It’s always jarring how similar Sirius and Regulus look. Same gray eyes, same nose, same cheekbones. Regulus’ face is more narrow and his build is much thinner. The largest difference though is the hair. Regulus always keeps his neat and short, and Sirius’ couldn’t be any further from that. I hear heavy footsteps go storming by the compartment. A frown settles on my face.

“Do you do anything other than scowl? Or is that the only thing your kind knows how to do?” Sirius asks. I’m taken back by the outright rudeness.

“Seriously? You come into  _ my  _ compartment, so you can hide from the same person you’ve been bullying for the past six years, and  _ you _ start insulting me?” My eyes narrowed at him.

“I think it’s a valid question,” he says, shrugging. I feel the anger start to bubble up inside of me.

“What is  _ “your kind”  _ even supposed to mean! I don’t understand why there’s so much hostility towards Slytherins in general. Yeah, sure. There’s some real tossers in our house, but half of us are just trying to pass classes, like the rest of the Hogwarts student body, and get on with our lives. Everyone always gives Slytherins a hard time because of what the house was founded on, which was like  _ a million years ago _ . It's quite ironic because we get picked on simply for what house we were sorted into, which we have as much control over as a wizard has over being from magic or muggle parents, but somehow  _ we’re  _ the bad guys? It’s no wonder I’m always scowling.”

Sirius looked at me dumbly, seemingly stunned. I was a little stunned too. This is the most I’ve ever spoken to him. I usually just ignore the verbal jabs he or my brother throw at me, but apparently my impulse control is what I forgot to pack this year. I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but my desire to chew Sirius Black has never been stronger.

“By the way, I think it’s incredibly lame that you’re  _ still _ tormenting Severus. Will you ever grow up?”

Sirius opened his mouth to retort but I cut him off.

“Now, get the fuck out of my compartment,” I said, scowl still very much on my face.


	2. Waffles: The Devil's Food

The dorm was still dark. I’ve always been an early riser. Regulus hates it. He’s not a morning person in the slightest. He needs his beauty sleep. I, on the other hand, have never been one to get much sleep. My brain just doesn’t wasn’t me to rest, apparently. I crept towards the bathroom quietly, careful not to wake up my room mates. They were beasts if you woke them up at the time I am awake in the morning. Maybe that’s a recurrent theme amongst Slytherins, not being morning people. Yet another reason for me to not fit in with my housemates.

I was one of four girls in our dorm. The first was Leigha Zambini, and my goodness, the girl never stopped talking. Leigha is always gossiping, about everyone and anything, and it is bloody annoying. I don't  _ care _ if you saw Sirius Black shirtless,  _ shut up. _ Mindless twit. Leigha has a very large personal vendetta against me, which I think is a little uncalled for. It might have something to do with the fact that my cat, Jaws, ate almost all of her sweaters she got for Christmas back in second year. It’s been four years, you think she would have let it go by now. Then there’s Narcissa Black, Regulus’ cousin. Narcissa is...alright, I suppose. She keeps to herself and mostly goes along with whatever the other girls are doing. Narcissa has been dating Lucius Malfoy since last year, but even with their relationship it seems like she’s just kind of going along with it. She doesn’t talk to me much, I don’t think she particularly cares for me either. Then there's Scarlet Myers. Scarlet is the prefect in our year and she really upholds all of the bad things that people say about our house. She’s extremely pretentious and is of the school of thought that purebloods are the only people who are worthy of practicing magic. She’s very cruel to me, always taking opportunities to tell me that my family is full of blood traitors. I can’t even take her seriously, her head is so far up her own arse. It’s like everywhere I live, whether it be at home with my brother and parents, or at school with the girls in my year, it is a hostile environment that does not welcome me. Thank goodness Regulus decided to be my friend all those years back, or I would have drowned myself by third year.

I showered quickly, knowing that time was of the essence. While brushing my teeth, I assessed the damage that is my hair. Per usual, it was bad. Dark, shoulder length curls were sticking out wildly all over my head. I could never get my hair to be tidy. One of the few things James and I have in common is how we look. When we were younger, everyone thought we were twins. Impossibly messy, dark hair. Lanky, thin limbs. Same face shape, same wide smile. James has hazel eyes though, while mine are blue. It’s funny how we grew up to be such different people on the inside. I finished getting dressed and snuck out of the dorm, carefully tip toeing around my snoozing roommates.

-x-

"Damn it," I cursed. The sun sat perched right above the horizon, the sky a soft blur of lavender and peach with golden light washing over the lawn. I had just missed the sunrise. New Year’s Eve of my second year, I decided that I would watch the sunrise every single day. As you can imagine, Regulus I-Need-Eight-Hours-Of-Sleep-Or-I-Refuse-To-Function Black was  _ not  _ pleased with this resolution as I was dragging him out of bed before dawn on the first day of January. I do have to give him some brownie points, for about the first week he did  _ try _ . However, he quickly decided sleep was more important.  _ “I spend literally all day with you Jade, you can handle the first hour of the day without me,”  _ I remember Regulus pleading with me with his sleep crusted, bleary eyes. I’ve kept my resolution though, for the most part. I at least get myself outside every morning. I find a large oak tree along the lake and sit down with my back against it. Morning dew dampens my robes, but I don’t mind. I may have missed the sunrise this morning, but at least I can enjoy half an hour of peace.

“We used to do this a lot when we were younger.” The hairs on my neck stand up. So much for half an hour of peace. I hear James’ voice coming from somewhere behind me. He must not see me, sitting behind this tree. I stay frozen in place, hoping that he won’t notice. 

"Watched the sunrise?" Sirius' voice questioned. My brain fills with the memory of me yelling at Sirius on the train yesterday.

"Yeah we used to do a lot of things together. Back when Jade was still  _ normal, _ " James replied. Still normal?! Did I grow a third head that I am unaware of?

"You really think she’s that bad?” Sirius asks, the curiosity in his voice was notable. Why is he curious about anything that has to do with me?

"Pads." I held in a snort of laughter, what kind of nickname is  _ Pads? _ “She's a  _ Slytherin. _ The only one in a whole family of Gryffindors. I’m sure she’s been brainwashed by the rest of them. She’s so different now than when we were kids. She doesn’t talk to anyone except for your brother. She’s so seclusive and secretive. She’s also angry all of the time, it’s like she’s always in a bad mood. She’s probably busy studying the dark arts!” James’ voice sounded genuinely disgusted. I’m no stranger to the nasty things James says to me, but somehow it’s worse overhearing him say these things when he thinks I’m not even around.

“Maybe it’s a little harsh to make all of those assumptions, Prongs.” Excuse me? Sirius usually is the first to jump on the  _ shit on the Slytherins  _ train.

James gave a short, dark laugh. “No, not at all. You know people in her house are all the same.” I tried to exhale as quietly as I possibly could as to not give away the fact that I’ve been eavesdropping. However, it was proving to be difficult as my breathing became more intense as I got angrier and angrier.

"I don’t know if that’s fair, Prongs.” Is……….is Sirius  _ defending me?  _ My mouth hung open in shock. I listened intently, extremely interested to see where this conversation was headed.

“When did you become part of the Slytherin defense squad?” James sounded slightly irritated.

“Well, Jade and I had a conversation.” Ah yes, if you consider me yelling at you, Sirius, to be a conversation then sure. We had a conversation yesterday.

"What? When?” James sounded even more irritated.

“Er, yesterday on the train. I was trying to hide in what I thought was an empty compartment after I pranked Snivellus, but then your sister was in there.”

“Oh. What did you two talk about?”

“I asked her why she’s always scowling.” I heard James let out a snort. “And then she just...chewed me out. Said everyone makes all of these assumptions about Slytherins, how they’re not all bad people.” I’m in genuine disbelief, hearing Sirius say these things. Sirius, of all people! I can’t believe he’s been thinking about what I said on the train, I didn’t even know the boy was capable of thinking at all.

“Nah, Pads. You can’t listen to her. You don’t know anything about her,”  _ Like you know anything about me,  _ I want to interject. I bite my tongue and continue to listen. “She’s insufferable to be around, you see how she is at home! She’s always hanging out with your brother, and you said so yourself that he’s just as bad as your parents. Never thinks for himself. There’s no way she isn’t into the same stuff as them.” 

There is a significant pause until Sirius finally says “yeah...maybe you’re right.”

I feel my blood begin to boil at the mention of Regulus. It takes all of my self control to not reveal my hiding spot behind this tree and yell at both of them. It’s one thing to hear them talk poorly about me, but to hear them talk about Regulus that way is another thing. How dare they say anything about him! Neither of them know a single damn thing about him. It’s an insult to say he’s just like his parents, because he isn’t at all. I take a deep breath through my nose and exhale slowly.

“Come on, let’s go eat breakfast. You know we’ve got to see our surprise we set up for our Slytherin friends.” I hear James say, followed by the sound of their retreating footsteps. I sat outside for a while longer, stewing over everything I just heard. I felt tears begin to prick at my eyes, and I chew the inside of my cheek to ward them off. I can’t cry over stupid things like James and Sirius being their usual, bigoted selves.

-x-

“Jade, what’s wrong?” Regulus asks, taking one look at me as I sit down next to him in the Great Hall. He always knows when something is up.

"Am I insufferable to be around?” I asked, avoiding his eyes because I’m at the point where if I make eye contact with anyone I will likely burst into tears.

"What!? No! Who said that? Only  _ I’m _ allowed to call you names. I’ll kill them,” Regulus was visibly angry, shooting daggers over at the Gryffindor table because of course he knows it was one of them. It’s not often that Regulus gets genuinely mad. He’s usually only  _ you ate my last sugar quill AGAIN, Jade  _ mad. Reg stays level headed in most situations, but he is quite protective of me so it doesn’t come as a surprise that he’s angry.

"Go kill my brother if you wish," I say, looking up at him.

"Finally! I’ve been waiting for this day for  _ ages _ . I’ll rip him to shreds,” Reg says a little too loudly. Those sitting around us look at him with a concern, hoping it’s not  _ them _ that Regulus is going to rip to shreds.

"Reggie, calm down or everyone is going to think you’re off your rocker,” I say, a smile finally finding its way to my mouth.

"I hate that name," Reg pulled a face at his nickname. He hates being called Reggie. Only I can get away with calling him that and  _ not _ get hexed into oblivion. "Besides, I probably am off my rocker," Regulus said as he was about to stuff a piece of waffle in his face, but I stopped him.

"I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Just because  _ you _ hate them doesn’t mean I should be forbidden from them,” Regulus says in protest.

"Well if you enjoy having red and gold hair, then I guess you can eat them."

"What?" He asks, picking up a waffle with his fork to inspect all sides of it with suspicion.

"Sirius and James can't whisper to save their lives, I overheard them planning it over the summer, that they were going to jinx the waffles, and then I overheard them again this morning.”

As if on cue, a majority of the Slytherins’ hair turned red and gold. I should maybe be a little upset that my house is once again the target of a dumb prank by my dumb brother and his dumb friends. However, waffles are gross and the waffle eaters deserve what they get. 

"Be glad I warned you." I smirked at Regulus.

"Hmmm…waffles might just be worth red and gold hair." Reg contemplated. “They  _ are _ the most superior of breakfast foods.”

“I don’t know how you can say that when french toast exists. Waffles are the most overrated breakfast food, they have no  _ flavor _ . They’re the Devil’s food!”

“Unbelievable that you could have such a wrong opinion.” Regulus was still looking at the damn waffle longingly. “I still think I might eat it, I think it could be worth the unsightly hair.”

"No! Do you want to give our gits for brothers satisfaction?"

"Well no…but...I am so hungry, Jade. I’m wasting away!” Regulus whined. 

"There’s a  _ whole table of food in front of us  _ and you’re insisting to eat the one thing that has CLEARLY been jinxed? Do you ever think with your brain?” I rolled my eyes at him.

"That's asking too much of me," Reg says, about to put a piece of waffle in his mouth again. I smack his hand away. I will not let him be victim to one of James' and Sirius' idiotic pranks. 

"Regulus, I swear to Merlin! Put it down!” I yell at him, and he finally drops the revolting thing while shooting me a sour look. Then it hits me. “Let’s make Salazar proud and get revenge,” I say, a smirk on my face.

"And how would we do that?" Reg asks, still eyeing his waffle. Why do I choose to be friends with the most obstinate wizard alive?

"Neon pink hair dye. I mail ordered it over the summer to save for an emergency, and I think this qualifies.” I give a maniacal laugh, my eyes glinting.

-x-

The plan came to full fruition during History of Magic, hushed whispers between Reg and I while Professor Binns droned on about some wizarding pandemic of 1920. Does anyone ever pay attention during this class? Regulus and I agreed that this would have to be a solo mission, seeing as he has N.E.W.T Transfiguration after History of Magic and I have a free period. 

So here I am, invisible from a disillusionment charm, my surprise clutched tightly in my hand. Charms is one of the only classes I excel in, it comes easily to me. My ability to perform disillusionment charms with such ease really came from a place of necessity, or maybe a place of spite. Only one of the Potter children got an invisibility cloak for their 12th birthday, and I’m sure you can guess that it was not me. I’ve been waiting for a Gryffindor to come by for the last quarter of an hour, and I’m growing impatient. 

"Flobberworms,” a nervous looking first year says to the Fat Lady, to which she swings open. I carefully follow the boy into the common room, making sure to keep my footsteps quiet. It’s hard to not let out an audible gasp when I see the Gryffindor common room. I’ve known where the common room is for years (again, I tell you, James and Sirius  _ cannot _ whisper) but I’ve never actually been inside of it until now. It actually has  _ windows _ and you can see  _ sunlight _ . Unlike the Slytherin common room, which is  _ under the fucking ground. _ And people wonder why we look so pale and miserable all of the time. I’m even more impressed by the regular old fire, blazing away. The flames are flame colored! I can’t believe it! You know what color the flames are in the Slytherin common room? GREEN. It’s ridiculous. No wonder no one took Salazar seriously. Look at his decor taste! You would think the man would want all of his prized, pureblooded students to live comfortably but nooooo. Aesthetics first, comfort absolutely last. 

Back to the mission on hand. I make my way up the stairs to their dorm. I crack open the door ever-so-slightly that says  _ Seventh Year.  _ No one's in here, thankfully. I open the door the rest of the way to let myself in. Merlin's polka dotted thong, this room smells  _ awful. _ The stench of boy permeates my nose as I try not to breathe in too deeply. I make my way cautiously through the mess of clothes and candy wrappers. Merlin, they are such  _ pigs _ . Whoever thought it would be good to put four teenage boys together in one room was an idiot. I open the bathroom door and make my way over to the showers.

I see a row of shampoo bottles, all 6-in-1 nonsense that men use. Apparently, one substance can be shampoo, face wash, body wash, conditioner, moisturizer, AND deodorant. No wonder their room smells so  _ bad _ . Amongst the bottles of bare minimum hygiene products sat two bottles of coconut scented, curl enhancing shampoo and conditioner. I grin, knowing these must be owned by Sirius. The man is so concerned about his hair all of the time. I let out a soft but maniacal laugh as I add drops of my surprise to the boys’ hair products.  _ Sandra’s Semi Permanent, Fully Jinxed Solution for Hot Pink Hair.  _ The solution will temporarily turn the victim’s hair a hot pink, and it has added charms that make the hair turn even brighter the more you try to wash it out. The only way to get rid of the pink hair is to let it fade away with time. An impulse mail order purchase from a shop nowhere else but in Knockturn Alley. I don’t know why people avoid Knockturn Alley, they really do have the best prank supplies. 

I left the Gryffindor common room as quietly as I came, excited to see the outcome of my revenge.


	3. Anyone Can Excel At Digging Around In The Dirt

"I can’t believe that for a second there I really thought they were going to have a nice sentimental chat and _bam!_ No! Instead, James says I am insufferable to be around!” I was still reeling from the conversation I overheard between James and Sirius yesterday, complaining about it to Regulus over breakfast.

"You’re still hung up on this? _I_ can’t believe you had any expectation of our brothers being decent people,” Reg replied with an eye roll. 

“You’re right, you’re right. I shouldn’t even let it bother me.” I push my eggs around my plate as I glance around the Great Hall. My brother and his friends are nowhere to be found. I’m anxious to see the end result of the surprise I left in their shampoo bottles.

"Oh my god...it actually worked,” Regulus whispers to me in awe. I turn my head to the doors and see all four of the buffoons standing there. Not with pink hair. Not with hot pink hair. Not with neon pink hair. With _fluorescent_ pink hair. Clearly they must have fallen for the trick and tried to wash out the pink to no avail. I hear the giggles around me as others began to notice. 

"I don't get mad, Regulus. I get even." I laughed menacingly as I looked over at my brother and his friends. They looked ridiculous and I was relishing in it. It felt great to one up the people who have actively tried to make every Slytherin’s existence here at Hogwarts _worse_. It also felt great to give James a taste of what it’s like to be on the receiving end of a Potter planned prank.

"They look like idiots. I need to get a picture!" Regulus was pretty much squealing with joy, like a little school girl. His grin was ear to ear, his eyes crinkled with happiness. 

"Regulus, stop screeching like that or I'm going to think you're a Hufflepuff." I smacked his arm. “People are staring at you more than they are at the fools with pink hair.”

"This is the best day ever, you will not ruin it for me!" He looked like he was going to explode with happiness. If him being happy means him acting like a little girl, so be it I guess. Sigh.

I got up to leave for Herbology. It sucked having it so early in the morning because the greenhouse is freezing. However, I’m willing to put up with some chilly mornings because it is one of the few (by few I mean _two_ ) classes that I do well in. _“Anyone can excel at digging around in the dirt.”_ I remember Reg saying, as I showed off the O I received in Herbology. Regulus says it’s a softie subject, which is quite rich coming from the person who is _still_ taking divination in their sixth year. I’d rather study my softie subject than the made up nonsense class.

"See you in potions," I say to Regulus, who was still grinning broadly. It’s not often Reg expresses this much outward happiness, especially for such an extended period of time. I couldn’t help but grin too, just at the sight of seeing my best friend so genuinely happy. If Reg is happy, then I am happy. It’s really that simple.

"You're amazing you know that? You've probably just made my life."

"Probably?” I scoff in mock offense. “I _definitely_ just made your life, Reggie.”

-x-

"JADE!" I heard my name being yelled behind me, as I was nearly out the front doors on my way to Herbology. I keep walking, ignoring my name. Maybe they’re yelling at another Jade, as if there's even another Jade in this damn castle. "Jade Potter, I swear to Merlin."

Against better judgement, I turn around to see my brother and his cronies...er, friends. “Yes, James?”

"Did…did... _you_ do this?" James points to his hair. I try to keep my facial expression neutral so as to not give myself away, but it’s quite hard to keep it together when four boys with bright pink hair are glowering at you. 

"Possibly…" I say with a small laugh, staring at my nails as to illustrate just exactly how bored I am with this conversation.

"WHY!?" All four of them cried. Jeez, they act like they didn’t have this coming.

"You really thought you could turn my whole house’s hair the hideous colors of red and gold and have _no_ consequences? You didn’t think there would be any retaliation? Why are you acting so surprised?” I said, rolling my eyes.

"That’s different!” James cried.

“How is that dif-” I started, but James interrupted me.

“Why won’t it wash out? Everything we do makes it worse!” He looked so angry, but it was so hard to take him seriously.

“That’s classified information, sorry,” I said with a taunting grin. “I’m going to be late to class, as much as I’d like to continue this lovely conversation.” I turned, making my way towards the doors.

“Why are you like this? Why are you such a _brat?_ ” James yelled after me. I felt my hands clench into fists as anger filled me, the same anger that filled me the day Sirius rudely entered my compartment on the train. 

" _I’m_ the brat? I’m not the one who can’t handle a taste of their own medicine. As for your other question, why _am_ I like this, James? Who is the one who looks at me like I’m a disease because I was sorted into a house they don’t like? Who is the one who ignored me for weeks while I begged for forgiveness over something I had absolutely no control over? Who is the one who has never taken a single second to try and understand anything about me! But you’ll never consider any of that, will you? You’ll just write me off as some awful, horrible person with no soul because I’m in freaking Slytherin. But I’m the brat! I’m the one who is _insufferable!_ ” I was screaming, loudly. I was so angry, my face tomato red and my shoulders aching with tension. Even my toes were curled up in anger.

I didn’t want to stay around to find out what James’ response was. I stormed away, but not to herbology. I was far too upset. There was no way I could excel at digging around in the dirt while I was in my current emotional state.

-x-

Fuck. I'm late to potions. Instead of going to herbology, I took a two hour angry nap. I briefly considered skiving off of potions too, but I knew Slughorn would have my head if I was found skipping his class _again_. It was a miracle in itself that I made it into the N.E.W.T level class. He was as stunned as I was when I got an “E” on my O.W.L. and qualified for his class. I hate the subject though, potion making always ends in a disaster for me. I walked quickly into the classroom, frantically trying to locate my empty seat that would be next to Regulus.

"Thank you for joining us Miss. Potter. That will be a detention tonight. Tardiness is not acceptable!" Slughorn was ranting about the importance of being on time, but do you expect me to pay attention? I sat down next to Reg and began adjusting my books to the right height for sleeping level. I started to lower my head onto the stack, ready to take my second nap of the day.

"Oh no you don't! I plan on passing potions this year, and this potion looks complicated. I know I’m asking you to do an impossible task right now, but you actually need to pay attention." Regulus smacked me upside the head.

"Oh, look at you, caring about your grades," I said, smirking. Regulus always cares about his grades, and it shows because he has top marks in every class. I sat up straight, pretending to pay attention. Hard as I try, I just. Can’t. Do. It. Potions is so _boring._ I could be doing important things like napping, or brooding over the fight with James, or eating chocolate frogs, or literally anything other than potions, but nooooo. Instead I have to listen to Slughorn give me directions on how to make a potion that I’m probably never going to make in my life ever again. How _boring_. 

"Okay! Begin. You have until the end of class!" Slughorn clapped his hands together enthusiastically.

"Okay, so I missed all of that," I said to Regulus. I gave him a nervous grin to soften the blow of my ineptitude.

"Of course you did," He said rolling his eyes. "Set up the cauldron will you? If you can handle that."

"No promises!" I yelled as he walked towards the supply closet to get ingredients. I set up the cauldron on and lit a flame underneath it. I don’t care for potions, but I do enjoy fire. Especially when it is burning something it shouldn't be. I looked around the room to see what mayhem I could cause, when my eyes landed on Leigha Zambini's bag. It was just sitting there, practically begging to be lit on fire. Jaws, my cat, would probably eat the bag at some point in the future. I may as well just destroy it now. "Incendio," I whispered as her bag caught fire. No one noticed, so I decided to let it be and not draw attention to it.

"What did you do?" Regulus asked immediately as he sat down with our supplies.

"What makes you think that?" I asked innocently.

"You have that look of pure joy on your face. What did you do this time?" His eyes were narrowed in suspicion.

I glanced over to where the bag was happily burning away. No one had noticed it. Hahaha.

"You wonder why that girl hates you." Regulus started pouring a liquid of some sort into the cauldron, shaking his head.

"OHMYGOSH, _FIRE!_ " Leigha's shrieks filled the room. Chaos ensued as students around Leigha began frantically moving away, trying to keep their things from also catching on fire. I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. Slughorn swiftly put out the fire, his face visibly angry.

"Detention, Miss. Potter," He said bitterly.

"I didn’t do it, you have no proof!" I cried. "Besides, I already have detention for tonight for being late."

"Well then detention for tomorrow too, for being a smart mouth." I sat there with my "smart mouth" hanging open. First week of classes and I’ve already managed to land two detentions. This is unbelievable. When am I going to find the time to choose to _not_ do all of my homework?!

"Jade, quit talking to the voices in your head and help me do this potion," Regulus said, irritated by my lack of assistance.

"Wow, you really do know me too well. How did you know I was talking to the voices again?” I asked in fake awe.

"Just pour this in the cauldron and stir counter clockwise seven times." He handed me a vial of something. I poured it in and stirred counter clockwise, but I guess I didn't really pay attention to how many times I stirred it, because all of a sudden it turned from a pretty blue color to a horrendous yellow-green color.

"What did you do!?" Regulus whisper-screamed, eyes pretty much bulging out of his face. I wanted to laugh at his face, but now is not the time.

"I uh…wasn’t counting…” I offered as an explanation.

“Stir seven times, Jade! It’s not a difficult task!” Regulus said, exasperated.

“Honestly? This is your fault for assuming that I’m able to count at all.”

"Jade! We are going to fail!" Regulus shook his head at our hideous ochre potion. It was starting to smell bad too, bubbling furiously.

"We won't fail, you can fix it. You're the potions genius!" I said, trying to boost his morale. Whatever morale boosting my words of encouragement provided was quickly destroyed. The potion shriveled up into a solid chunk, and then to our horror it started to grow teeth. Reg and I stared in stunned silence at our potion’s full set of sharp teeth. Somehow, it got even worse. The potion jumped out of the cauldron and its lump like form began slithering on the floor, attempting to bite any ankle around it. I don’t even know what potion we were supposed to be making, but I feel confident in saying my demonic blob is _way_ cooler.

"You're an idiot, you realize that? We _are_ going to fail!" Regulus was staring with wide eyes as our blob potion wreaked havoc on the floor. Students were screaming yet again, hopping on stools to keep themselves from being bit.

"Yeah but I’m your idiot, you’re stuck with me.” I grinned and looked at my lovely, vicious, potion that Slughorn was trying to stop. It was hilarious really, especially when it bit his leg.

"Potter!" He cried angrily. Oh here we go.

"Immobilize." I said, pointing at the potion. How come in a classroom full of witches and wizards, I was the _only one_ who thought to use an immobilization charm? The potion stopped moving, but it was still clamped onto Slughorn's leg. I have to say, I'm going to miss the little guy. Maybe I should pay more attention to how I create my failures of potions, it could be useful. Slughorn picked my little monster and threw it in the trash.

"Rest in peace, Lesley," I whispered to myself. 

“Lesley? You _named_ it?” Regulus whispered to me, eyebrows up to his hairline.

"Potter! Black! Detention! Both of you! For the rest of the week!" Slughorn's face was almost purple from rage. 

"Sir, don't blame Regulus. It was all my fault, really. I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing. It was entirely me. Don't punish him because he's stuck being partners with me." I tried to reason with Slughorn. Reg shouldn’t have to suffer because I’m an idiot who can’t count.

"Okay Miss. Potter, detention for the rest of the week. And you two will come in during a free period to make the potion correctly.”

“We both have the next period off,” Regulus said while nodding his head in agreement to Slughorn’s terms. I am not excited to be spending another period making potions, but I am excited by the idea of possibly making another Lesley.


	4. Making New Friends

"You two, go work at that back desk." Slughorn pointed to a desk that was in a far corner, away from the rest of the class. "And don't mess this potion up," Slughorn said seriously. Telling  _ me _ not to mess a potion up is like telling a unicorn to be evil. Absolutely impossible.

"Well you heard him Reggie, he doesn't want us to mess this one up. I better not do anything," I said, grinning at my obviously grumpy best friend.

"Ugh. No. You still have to do  _ something.  _ What it will be yet, I don’t know...seeing as you need a task even more simple than counting." Reg sounded irritated.

“Oh come off it Reg. You don’t have to be so sour,” I said, pushing his buttons.

“I know  _ you _ don’t do homework on your free periods, but some of us have classes we have to study for.” Reg continued to complain, but I wasn’t listening too closely. I was too distracted by the students that were filtering into the classroom.

"I think he's got a class this period," I said as some seventh years came into the classroom. All of the chaos of our potions class had distracted me from the row I had with James this morning. I was too busy undoing all of Reg’s hard work to even tell him about what had happened.

“You look like you’re going to be sick,” Regulus’ bad mood instantly dissipated, swapping out his annoyance with me for concern. It never fails to amaze me how well he can read me so well.

"I don’t really want to talk about it right now…” my voice trailed off. The room had gotten exponentially  _ louder _ as James, Sirius, and Remus entered. Interesting that Peter wasn’t with him. I have overheard James and Sirius say that Peter isn’t the brightest bulb, so I guess I shouldn’t be too surprised.

“We’ll talk later, okay?” Regulus whispered softly, looking like he wanted to press the subject but knew it was for the best not to. “Can you believe that we’re in class with  _ them? _ ”

“At least their hair is still that hideous shade of pink,” I replied, trying to soften the anxiety I felt by making light of how unbelievably  _ stupid _ they all looked.

“Do you know how long it will be pink for?” Regulus was smiling again at the mention of their colored hair situation.

“I have no idea how long it will stay like that. Come on, let’s get this potion done and over with it. I’ll actually do work, I want to be out of here as fast as possible.”

"Merlin above!" Regulus nearly shouted, causing some people to look at us. "That's the first time I've ever heard you say that about a potion!"

"Why are  _ you _ here?" Sirius and James said in unison. James looking at me, Sirius looking at Reg. They had made their way over to our table, noticing us after Reg decided to announce to everyone our presence.

"Redoing a potion," I said to them, avoiding eye contact. I didn’t want to have  _ another _ fight with my brother in front of everyone. 

"Class! Sit down! Black, Potter, that means you!" Slughorn yelled.

"Come on Reg, let's get this done with. I promise I can count correctly this time." I started getting the cauldron ready while Reg got the ingredients. 

“Things feel extra tense between you and James. Is that what you’re upset about?” Reg said quietly to me, arms full of supplies. The seventh years had settled in and started working on their assignments. 

“How can you tell?”

“Because I’m a legilimens, obviously,” sarcasm heavy in Reg’s voice. “I can just tell what’s bothering, I don’t know. You’re easy to read. I do like to think I know you pretty well, being your best friend and all.”

I let out a deep sigh, dicing the squid tentacle carefully. I’m determined to do everything correctly this time around. I just want out of this room. I could see James and Sirius sitting together. I was still angry at James and his verbal attack this morning, but I wasn’t all too focused on him. My eyes kept wandering to Sirius, watching him joke and laugh with my brother. Ever since the first time I met Sirius, I always had a small pang of jealousy when I would see him interact.  _ I _ used to be James’ best friend, before the day the hat put me in Slytherin. My gaze continued to focus on Sirius, thinking about our conversation in the train compartment, thinking about overhearing him tell James about what I had said...which possibly implied that he too was thinking about conversation. Was he thinking about conversation still? Why was I still thinking about these things? Why did I care?

“Earth to Jade? Hello? Space cadet Jade?” Regulus waved a hand in front of my face.

“Sorry, I’ve been distracted all day. James and I got in a fight this morning after breakfast.”

“I’m assuming about the hair? Talk to me about it.”

I went into the details with Reg while tending to our potion. It came almost as a relief to talk about what happened with James, to give my brain a break from the dwelling thoughts of Sirius.

-x-

“Who is a good little vicious kitty? You are!” I cooed at Jaws, my poorly behaved cat. He was neither good nor little, but he sure was vicious. He was a black cat with one very noticeable snaggle tooth protruding from his lower lip. I loved him.

“Can you not talk so loudly to that  _ thing? _ " Scarlet whined from her bed.

“Sorry to interrupt your precious magazine reading, I know it requires all of your brain cells to do,” I shot back at her. I’ve been irritated all day, still mulling over my row with James. Subsequently, my attitude has been short with everyone and anyone. Even Regulus, who I yelled at during lunch for no reason at all.

“Don’t you have detention to be at, delinquent?” Scarlet sneared.

"What?" I looked at the time. How was it already so late? “Shit,” I muttered as I scurried out of my dorm, with approximately three minutes to make it to Slughorn’s detention on time.

-x

"Thank you for joining us," Slughorn said as I walked in.

"It's my pleasure," I said sarcastically, still trying to catch my breath from sprinting to the dungeons.

"You will be scrubbing my classroom floor with Mr. Black, without magic." Slughorn handed me a bucket of soapy water.

"What did I tell you? It wasn't Reg's fault, it was mine. I wasn't paying attention and then it started growing tee-" I started scolding Slughorn, but got cut off.

"Regulus does have a brother," Sirius said. I turned and saw him leaning against a table. Of course we have attention together. Just my luck.

"I'll be back in an hour or so," Slughorn left. Hour or  _ so _ ? Shouldn’t detentions be on a strict time table. Especially if we’re  _ performing labor?  _ Ugh. I grabbed a sponge, dunked it into the soapy water and got to work. Sirius and I worked together in silence, staying as far away from each other as we could.

“Is the pink ever going to come out?” Sirius said, breaking the silence.

“It will eventually,” I said in response without looking up.

“How did you do it?” Sirius asked. I looked up from the section of floor I had been lazily scrubbing. His face wasn’t angry like James’ was this morning. He looked nonchalant about the question, almost amused.

“I...uh I can’t reveal those secrets.”

“I respect that. It was a really good prank. The hair becoming even more pink when you try to wash it out? Brilliant. Now I’m going to have pink  _ and _ greasy hair for the foreseeable future,” Sirius said with a small smile. He looked impressed. I felt my cheeks flush pink. I hated the feeling of the warm glow on my face.

“Thanks,” is all I managed to stammer out. I don’t do well with compliments, especially not from Sirius Black. I was growing increasingly suspicious of how...nice he was being. Was this a trap? A plot? A trick?

"Why are you in detention?" Sirius asked, pushing on the conversation.

"I came to class late, set someone's bag on fire, and my potion attacked Slughorn. Typical day, really," I explained. Sirius let out a laugh that echoed through the empty classroom.

"Your  _ potion _ attacked Slughorn?" He asked, a grin on his face.

"It was an accident I swear. I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and then it grew teeth and jumped out of the cauldron," I detailed. Sirius laughed even more. “What did you do to get detention?” I asked him.

“Eh. Melted the cauldron, got mouthy with Slughorn. He always has it out for me because I won’t join his stupid slug club. I’ve got detention for the week.”

It was strange, having such a normal conversation with Sirius. It came easily. Not like talking to my brother, where all I want to do is scream. I could feel part of myself wanting to relax into the conversation with Sirius, but I was weary. Who was this person who was being so pleasant with me, what is his motive? This is a person who has teased and bullied me for years alongside my brother. This is a person who has caused my best friend a lot of personal anguish, who turned his back on the person that I care about the most in this world. I can’t delude myself into thinking I can let my guard down around him.

Silence settled between us once again. I worked on a stain that looked suspiciously like blood. My brain went back to the fight with James. I’ve been ruminating on it all day, and the more I think about it the angrier I get. Who was he to call me a brat? Why does he say such vile things to me when he could simply  _ leave me alone? _

“You’re scrubbing very...vigorously over there,” Sirius was watching me furiously work on my section of floor. I could feel my whole face turn red. Will I ever stop blushing! Why is my face like this!

“We don’t have to make small talk,” I snapped at him.

“Hey. I just think that detention goes by a bit faster if it’s not dead silent,” Sirius said cooly, unfazed by my attitude. It made me even more irritated.

“You don’t have to be nice to me. I know what you think about me.” It felt like the sponge was going to disintegrate under my iron grip. 

“Weren’t we  _ just  _ having a nice conversation? How have I managed to piss you off in less than a minute?” Sirius said with a slight eye roll. “I don’t think anything about you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” My brows knit together, trying to process what he meant.

“I don’t think anything about you! The only thing I know about you is that you’re my best mate’s little sister. I’m trying to make less assumptions about people, turn over a new leaf or whatever.” Sirius said, looking directly at me. His face was so similar to Reg’s, it was a tad unnerving. They both had those cold, gray eyes but Reg’s pulled more towards blue. 

“Maybe I don’t want to know you,” I finally said. Our small bit of friendly banter was more than enough for me, I had decided.

“Maybe I do,” he countered. I felt my pulse quicken with those words.  _ Maybe I do.  _ Luckily, I was saved by Slughorn who had reentered the classroom.

“Alright you two, you’re free for tonight. I’ll see both of you back here tomorrow.”

I scurried out of the classroom quickly, wanting to get out of there as fast I could. My damn face was still flushed, my brain going a million miles a minute.

-x-

I sat at the table eating my pancakes, listening to Regulus tell me about quidditch tryouts next week. I hadn’t told him about detention with Sirius. I was still trying to wrap my head around the whole encounter, and I had a knot in my stomach thinking about having detention with him  _ again _ tonight. I couldn’t worry Regulus with this nonsense. He has enough to worry about with him trying to achieve world domination...aka winning the Quidditch Cup. He was captain this year and he had  _ big  _ plans. The Slytherin team had been perennially coming in second place to no other house but Gryffindor.

"Come on Jade! You're great at flying! Please try out," Regulus begged. “We need a chaser and beater!”

"No, Reggie, we go through this _ every _ year. I'm not trying out for quidditch," I answered bitterly. Regulus was correct, I am a fair flyer. Maybe a great one. It does tend to run in the family after all. James and I used to play on toy brooms all the time when we were younger, out in the garden. James even helped me pick out my very own broomstick the summer before my first year.  _ “My sister can’t be flying around on some ancient dust buster!” James said, dragging me into the broom shop.  _ My Silver Arrow sat under my bed, rarely touched. Everything about quidditch, about flying, brought up a lot of painful memories that I tend to avoid.

"Please Jade! Pleaseeeeee. I know how good you are. The team could really use you,” Reg whined.

“Reg,  _ no _ . How many times do I have to tell you?” I was growing irritated.

“Just try out! What if you end up liking it!”

“I won’t! You know how I feel about it!”

“Jade, you can’t let James ruin a whole sport for you. You’re letting him hold you back for no reason.” His words stung a bit. I love how blunt Regulus can be but sometimes I do wish he would soften it just a tad. 

“What good would even come of me playing quidditch?”

“You could make friends! The team is great, you’d like hanging out with them!”

“I have friends!” I replied, offended.

“You have  _ me. _ You could have more friends, get to know your housemates better!”

“This is a terrible sales pitch, you know our housemates don’t care for me. I do come from a family of  _ blood traitors,  _ you know.”

“Come off it, Jade. Not  _ everyone _ in the house cares about that shit,” Reg rolled his eyes. “I think it would be good for you to have more friends!”

“Are you getting tired of me? Trying to pawn me off on others?”

“Sod off, you know I could never get tired of you. I’m actively trying to recruit you to spend  _ more _ time with me. I just think it would be nice if you had other friends too, sometimes it is good to be social. Most importantly though, I know you’re a good flyer and the team needs solid players.” Reg was trying so hard. 

“I’ll think about it,” I said, conceding just enough to get Reg off of my back.

“YES!” Reg yelled, loud enough to make heads turn towards us. “We can practice together beforehand, I’ll get you in tip top shape for tryouts!”

“Slow down there, I said I’ll  _ think  _ about it.” I’ve been at this school for six years and Reg truly is my only friend. Not that he isn’t enough for me, but he does know me better than anyone..so maybe he’s right, maybe I do need to make friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original chapter four is getting a major overhaul. I'm completely reworking the whole thing and it's ultimately going to be split up now into two (possibly three) chapters. I think the rewrite of the original fourth chapter will set up more for the plot and make things feel more natural. Who doesn't love some good ol' anticipation and tension building? Any feedback is always welcome :)


	5. Chasing in the Dark

“Toothbrushes?!” Sirius said in outrage.

“This is cruel and unusual,” I muttered under my breath. I stared at the stack of dirty cauldrons in front of me. It was my second night of detention with Sirius, and Slughorn has seemingly decided scrubbing the floors was not punishment enough. Tonight, we’ll be cleaning the classroom set of cauldrons with toothbrushes.

“I’ll be back in an hour,” Slughorn said as the classroom door closed with a dull thud.

“How are we ever supposed to finish these? It’s going to take two hours to get just one clean! Toothbrushes, really? Not even sponges?” This was unbelievable. This was madness! I understand my potion decided to bite Slughorn, but this was outlandish retribution.

“I suppose we should get to work then,” said Sirius grimly. He sat next to me at the table, examining an extra crusty and stained cauldron. The pink was beginning to fade from his hair, which came as a disappointment. I was hoping the neon pink would last for at least a week, not just 48 hours. It did look a bit greasy, a consequence of not being able to wash it in fear of it becoming bright pink once again. We worked in silence for awhile, unsuccessfully trying to remove crusted on potion with our measly toothbrushes.

“So, what do you like to do?” It was too bold of me to assume the silence would last very long.

“Excuse me?” I said without looking up.

“You know. Hobbies? Interests? You must like to do something,” Sirius pressed on. I could hear the smirk in his voice.

“We really don’t have to make small talk,” I countered.

“You said that last time. Again, the misery of detention goes by faster when you have someone to talk to.” Sirius sounded amused, and I felt my cheeks turn pink. The idea of our last detention made me feel queasy. 

“Maybe I don’t want to know you,” I said.

“Maybe I do,” Sirius replied.

I wish I could say I hadn’t been thinking about it, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. I had been thinking about it all of the time. What exactly did he mean? Why was he so cryptic? Why did he even want to know me? He’s spent the better part of his time knowing of my existence hating me. I’ve been internally struggling with these thoughts since that conversation. I haven’t even told Regulus that I have detention with Sirius this week, let alone the conversation that we had last detention. I don’t want Reg to know that Sirius is even a thought in my brain. I don’t know how he would take it, but I can’t imagine it would be well. Sirius is (obviously) a very sore subject for Regulus. He doesn’t speak about him often, at least not anymore. 

“So, what do you like to do?” Sirius asked again.

“Uhh…” what do I like to do? I’m not particularly involved in any extra curriculars. Reg and I have a personal dueling club of two but I don’t want to go telling Sirius of all people about that. Truthfully, I just like doing what Regulus is doing. I am always content if I’m with him. “I like to garden, play with my cat,” I finally settled on as an answer.

“Gardening and spending time with your cat? So you’re a spinster?” Sirius teased.

“Hey, herbology is fun. And so is my cat!” I replied, offended.

“You say you like to play with your cat, yeah? I didn’t know you were dirty like that,” Sirius said with a laugh. I felt my cheeks blush again.

“Stop! No! You pervert!” I hit his arm with my now grimy toothbrush. 

“Yuck, get that thing away from me,” Sirius said, swatting the toothbrush away.

“Oh like this is the grossest thing you’ve ever had touch you,” I shot back with a smirk.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sirius said, sounding like he was offended but he was still smiling.

“Everyone knows you...you know...get around.” I rolled my eyes. It was true. Sirius did get around and I regularly had to hear the details of his escapades during holiday breaks. Him and James really can’t whisper, and the walls are quite thin in our house.

“Hey now, I thought not making assumptions about people was something that was important to you,” Sirius said playfully. I shook my head at him and went back to scrubbing my cauldron. I haven’t even got through one and we still have a full stack to get through. “Really though, just plants and cats? Don’t you like to do anything fun? You are related to James, after all.”

“I do fun things,” I said a bit too defensively. I know I gave a visible reaction at the mention of James, but I’m trying to brush past it. I don’t want to talk about my brother, certainly not to his best friend. I was still feeling upset about our fight the other day, but I haven’t spoken to James since then, so it’s been easy to keep those thoughts at bay.

“Oh yeah? Like what?” Sirius pried. I immediately thought of all of the things I do with Regulus. Sneaking into the kitchens for snacks, Regulus is always so fond of the house elves. Practicing (ultimately harmless) hexes on each other in empty classrooms during our dueling club for two. Dragging our mattresses out of the dorms, lugging them up ALL of the goddamn stairs, just to ride them back down. Sitting out by the lake on warm days, eating sandwiches and talking about the future like either of us have any idea what we’re going to do. I do plenty of fun things.

“Reg and I do a lot of fun things together,” I finally answered his question. I looked right at Sirius when I said it, to see if he has any reaction similar to mine when he hears his brother’s name. He doesn’t even flinch, doesn’t make a face, completely unphased.

“I didn’t know he was capable of having fun,” Sirius’ eyebrows arched up toward his hairline as I frowned at his remark.

“You don’t know anything about him,” I snapped at him.

“I lived with him for nearly sixteen whole years of his life, I think I can say I know him,” Sirius replied, no more laughter or humor in his voice. I felt myself wanting to be mean, wanting to chew Sirius out, but I bit my tongue. Restrain yourself, Jade. It’s not worth it. Don’t get emotional.

“He’s the best person I know,” I finally say. I don’t like it when anyone says anything bad about Reg, because he is truly the best person I know. “And he is plenty of fun too.” Not that you would even know what he is like, I want to add. But I don’t. It’s not my business to insert myself into what is between Sirius and Regulus. It’s not my place to speak for Reg.

“If you say so,” Sirius said, shaking his head.

“If you’re just going to insult my best friend, then I think it’s for the best if you stop talking to me.” Okay, so maybe I’m going to be a little mean. My Slytherin-emotional-restraint skills can only last for so long.

“How come every time I think we’re having a nice conversation, you just end up yelling at me? First you tell me to get the fuck out of your compartment, then you tell me you don’t even want to know me, and now this?” I scowl at Sirius’ remark. Why is this such a mystery to him? Like he’s not always antagonizing or making me uncomfortable. 

“Maybe if you stopped doing things to piss me off, I wouldn’t have to yell.” I said firmly.

“If you keep being so mean to me, I’m going to fall in love with you.” Sirius looked right at me, his gray eyes looking directly into my blues. The faintest smile on his face. I tried my best to make the most intimidating face I could, but my fucking cheeks decided it was time to blush once again. I’m going to have to look and see if there’s any charms I can do to prevent this from happening. I can’t spend the rest of this week in detention, blushing every five minutes.

“Wha-” what do you mean? Is what I meant to ask, but I was interrupted by the sound of the door swinging open.

“Ah, I see you two have made minimal progress. I guess it will be cauldrons and toothbrushes tomorrow too. Go, get on.” Slughorn shooed us out of his room. I got out of my seat quickly and made my way towards the door as fast as my (quite short) legs would allow me. I wasn’t going to wait around for Sirius, my face still burning. Why did this happen again? Can’t I just have a nice, normal detention?

“So are you always going to run away from me too?” I could hear Sirius yell after me. I didn’t turn around, in fear of him seeing my face that was still as pink as his hair. His footsteps were following me as I took a sharp turn.

Thud.

“I was just coming to find you,” Regulus said as my face collided with his chest. “Are you alright?” He looked down at me, examining my face for any damage. 

“Yeah, I’m fine I just...why do you have our brooms?” I looked at the two brooms, one in each hand, that Reg was holding. One was his Comet Two Eighty, and the other my Silver Arrow. How he managed to get his hands on my broom, I don’t know and he wouldn’t tell me even if I asked. Regulus disregarded my question, distracted by the footsteps that were getting closer.

“Is someone following you?” His brow furrowed together as he looked around. “What are you doing here?” Regulus asked Sirius, who just rounded the corner.

“What are you doing out after hours, with brooms no less?” Sirius replied, his eyes narrowing as he glanced between Regulus and I.

“Very big of you to ask those questions. I forgot, you’re the prefect here,” Reg said cooly.

“Going to go run off to mummy and daddy, are you Regulus?” Sirius taunted. I looked up at Regulus. His face looked angry as he sharply inhaled. 

“Come on Jade, let’s go. I don’t have time to waste on petulant children,” Reg said, turning away from Sirius. I followed him, trying to keep up with his long strides. I gave a fleeting glance over my shoulder and saw Sirius walking the other way, shaking his head.

“Reg...please….your legs are...twice as long as mine…” I panted after him. Curse my short legs.

“What was he doing following you?” Reg said, continuing to walk at a pace that I couldn’t keep up with.

“Regulus, please slow down. You know my legs are approximately the length of goblin legs.” Reg stopped walking, allowing me to catch up to him. “Thank..you…” I said while catching my breath.

“Why was he with you?” Regulus said. I could tell he was furious, but anyone who wasn’t me wouldn’t be able to tell the extent of his anger. Regulus isn’t one to get outwardly angry when he is mad. He gets very cold and shuts off all signs of emotion on his face, his voice stays even and quiet but it is underscored by the rage inside of him.

“We had detention together, he wasn’t with me,” I tried to explain. Regulus’ eyes gave away nothing as to what he was thinking.

“But why was he following you?”

“He likes to get under my skin, you know how he is. He’s just like James.” I still couldn’t bring myself to tell Regulus that this was our second detention together, that we’ll have detention together for the rest of the week. It just didn’t seem like the right time for that, and it definitely didn’t seem like the right time to tell him about any of the conversations Sirius’ and I had been having.

“He’s unbelievable. I’m sorry you had to deal with him all night,” Reg said with disgust.

“I’m sorry he throws your parents in your face, I know it’s got to be hard for you.” I do know it’s hard on Reg, he just doesn’t show it like the way I do. 

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” Regulus said, his voice still edged with anger.

“So what are you doing with our brooms?” I decided changing topics was the best course of action. My theory was correct, as a slow smile spread across Reg’s face.

“You need practice flying before quidditch tryouts.” I caught a small glint in Reg’s eyes.

“I said I’d think about it,” I said in protest.

“Well, you can think about it while we’re flying around the grounds,” the smile on Reg’s face was downright devilish.

-x-

“Come on, you can catch up to me! You have a better broom than me!” Regulus yelled over his shoulder as he zoomed ahead of me. The cool, night wind stung my eyes, but it felt good. It had been ages since I’d been a broom, but you could never tell. I was zipping in and out between the castle towers with grace, trying to catch Regulus. 

“You’re way better at flying though!” I yelled back at him, leaning forward to try and pick up some speed. We had been in quite the game of chase, and I was having fun. The stress of our encounter with Sirius had dissolved, replaced by the adrenaline and joy of flying through the night sky. “Reg you’re going to crash!” I screamed. He was headed straight for the astronomy tower. At the last second he dipped to the left and zoomed around the tower. Damn seeker reflexes.

“Glad you finally caught up,” Reg said with a laugh as I rounded the astronomy tower. We sat there on our brooms, catching our breath. “You’re doing really well, I think you would be a great chaser.”

“Just because I’m on a broomstick doesn’t mean I’m trying out for quidditch. I don’t want to be on the team.” I said, crossing my arms in defiance.

“Fine, fineeeee. You don’t have to try out. You have to admit this is fun though,” Regulus smirked at me.

“It is. It’s like I don’t have to think about anything except for flying. No worries except for trying not to fall off.” No worries about my brother, or about stupid detentions with stupid Sirius. No worries about anything. It was freeing.

“Yeah, no worries except for trying to catch me!” Reg took off laughing, flying at full speed. I followed after him, wind in my hair, a wide smile on my face. I felt nothing but happy in that moment, nothing but unbridled joy as I chased after my best friend in the darkness.


	6. Never Anything More

I slept through the sunrise  _ and _ through breakfast, my two favorite parts of the day. Regulus and I had been out late on our brooms, flying together well past midnight. I was hurrying to history of magic, genuinely trying to not be late. I have my last detention tonight with Slughorn, and I’m really not trying to get  _ more _ detention from another teacher. I was winded, rushing through the classroom door in the knick of time, cursing Salazar’s name as I crossed the threshold. There’s a lot of things that suck about being in Slytherin. Like every other house hating you for things out of your control. That everyone thinks you’re an evil, blood purist asshole. Constantly being at the mercy of “vigilante justice” carried out against Slytherins by people like my brother. But you know what the  _ worst  _ thing is? Living in the fucking  _ dungeons _ , which means you are subjected to a lifetime of having to climb a million stairs to get to anywhere.

“I...am...so...tired,” I sputtered out to Regulus between deep breaths as I sat down next to him. 

“If you would prioritize being punctual, you wouldn’t have to be sprinting from place to place,” Reg said with a smile. He slid a blueberry scone over to me, knowing that I had missed breakfast. He really is always thinking of everything.

“You and I both know that I will never be on time to anything,” I said, taking a bite of the scone. “But maybe if somebody hadn’t kept me out all night, I wouldn’t have overslept.” I continued talking, bits of scone flying out of my mouth, spewing over the desk.

“No manners! None!” Reg wrinkled his nose, brushing away the crumbs with his sleeve.

“Okay, Walburga,” I said with an eye roll.

“Oh  _ haha _ , very funny Jade. Understanding basic etiquette is not unique to my mother.”

“I forgot, I’m best friends with the prince of prim and proper.” I grinned at him, his scowl deepening. Regulus isn’t a pureblood maniac like the rest of his family, but his “you are from an ancient and wealthy, high brow wizarding family” upbringing definitely shows. He’s...fussy, to put it gently. He likes things orderly and clean,  _ deeply _ cares about appearances, high standards for everything. Truly, I do not know how he puts up with me.

“And I’m best friends with the pauper of lazy insults,” Reg retorted, his face finally softening. We settled into class, listening to Professor Binns continue his lecture on the 1920 wizarding pandemic. I felt my eyelids start to droop, struggling to stay open. Then I felt a sharp elbow into my ribs.

“Hey, ouch!” I hissed at Reg.

“Want to go out flying again tonight?” Reg asked.

“Sure, but I have detention again so it’ll be another late night for us.”

“Your degeneracy is cutting into my sleep, Jade.”

“Like that’s anything new! I’m always getting at least one of us in trouble. You know I’m a regular detention resident,” I said with a small laugh. Reg however, was not laughing. His demeanor changed with no notice.

“Do you have detention with Sirius again?” He suddenly asked.

“I...I don’t know,” I said with unease. This was a lie. Of course I knew I had detention again with Sirius. I had only been thinking about our detentions together for the last three days. I don’t know why I felt so compelled to lie to Regulus about this. He didn’t even know that we’ve had two detentions together. He only knows we had one together because he ran into Sirius last night. Why couldn’t I just tell Reg the truth?

“Well. If you do and he gives you a hard time, please let me know,” Reg said, his eyes hard and serious.

“Of course,” I said with a guilty swallow of scone, careful not to get any crumbs on the desk.

-x-

“What were you doing with my brother and those brooms last night?” Sirius said with his back to me. 

“Obviously going to beat up sleeping first years,” I said while pulling jars of various pickled eyeballs off of the shelf. Sirius and I had been assigned to reorganize and alphabetize Slughorn’s supply cupboard for our last detention together. “Getting beat with a broom is a bit of a Slytherin hazing tradition.”

“Oh  _ haha _ . Very funny,” Sirius said, a small chill running down my spine. In that moment his voice sounded so similar to Reg’s. “You two couldn’t have been up to any good.”

“Nosy, aren’t you? When did you become so fascinated with what I’m doing?” I said, perhaps a bit too cheekily, because Sirius’ reply came quick and sharp.

“You’re a fascinating subject, Jade.” I felt my cheeks turn pink at these words, especially the sound of my name coming from Sirius. I was used to my name being said with disdain and annoyance by Sirius, not with the lightness and dare I say...flirtatiousness that Sirius was saying it with now. I was grateful to be turned away from him, my warm face hidden. What even about me is there to find fascinating? I’ve lived my whole life as a background character to Sirius, just somebody who happened to live in the same house as him and James. What is with his new found interest in me?

“We were out for a fly,” I said, eager to change the topic to anything other than Sirius finding me fascinating.

“You fly?” He sounded surprised.

“Come on. I  _ am _ a Potter. The whole lot of us can fly,” I replied, placing a jar of frilled lizard eyes followed by a jar of frog eyes on the shelf. 

“James has mentioned that you used to fly with him, he complains that you never went out for quidditch,” Sirius said, causing me to nearly drop a heavy jar of gecko eyes.

“James doesn’t care about anything that I do,” I said quickly. My brain started racing at Sirius’ words. James telling him about us flying together when we were kids? James wishes I played quidditch? This is a very stark contrast from the conversation I overheard between James and Sirius by the lake. My thoughts filled with memories of James and I zooming in and out of the lilac bushes in our garden, our small childish voices calling after one another. Does James think about those memories too? Does he think about them enough to tell Sirius that he thinks I should be playing quidditch? 

“Come off it. He cares about you,” Sirius said, interrupting my whirlwind of thoughts.

“Sure has a funny way of showing it,” I laughed bitterly. “We barely even speak anymore, unless it’s one of us yelling at each other.” I put down a jar of yellow colored goat eyes with a heavy clunk.

“He does, he just has a hard time showing it. You two are very different people, and you don’t make it particularly easy-”

Sirius was interrupted by the sound of the shattering jar of goblin shark eyes. Glass, pickling liquid, and eyeballs sprayed everywhere, flooding the floor of the supply cupboard. I jumped backwards to avoid the heavy jar from crushing my feet, falling against Sirius. I couldn’t decide if I was angrier at Sirius for implying that  _ I’m _ the reason James and I have a broken relationship, or at myself for dropping a goddamn jar of eyeballs. 

“ _ Reparo, _ ” Sirius waved his wand, the jar reassembling itself back together. “Did you get cut by any of the glass?” Sirius tugged on my shoulder, turning me around to finally face him. He grabbed my wrists and inspected my hands, looking for any bleeding.

“I...err, no. I'm fine. Thank you,” was all I managed to stammer out, my nerves extremely aware of the feeling of Sirius’ hands wrapped around my wrists as he looked over my palms. “What did you mean, I don’t make it easy for James?”

“You’re very guarded, even you can admit that,” Sirius replied, his fingers still wrapped around my wrist. I avoided his gaze.

“I suppose you’re right,” I said in a moment of defeat, my brain too busy comprehending the general proximity of Sirius’ body to refute what he said.

"Giving in that easy? I expected more of a fight from you. You seem to have a knack for telling me off when I say things like that," Sirius said, moving a hair closer to me. He still had not let go of my wrists. 

“Well isn’t it in the Slytherin handbook to be closed off and emotionally unavailable? All of my outbursts towards you have been quite out of character,” I retorted, mustering whatever ounce of sarcasm was left in my brain.

“Aren’t you the one who told me that you’re not all the same?” He gave a loud exhale, almost a laugh. I finally looked up to meet his gaze. His gray eyes locked with mine, the faintest smirk on his lips. I was hyper aware of his fingers still wrapped around my wrists, aware of the proximity of his face to mine. Neither of us would look away, the moment continuing to linger as long as our gazes held each other. I couldn’t think of anything to say to him, my mind feeling like it was going to explode if I dared to open my mouth. All I could do was continue to look at him and ponder just exactly how I managed to find myself inches away from Sirius Black in a cupboard, and why I was not running away or yelling at him. “These last three nights have been nice, haven’t they? Getting to know each other,” Sirius said, finally breaking the silence that had settled between us.

“I still don’t think we know much of anything about each other,” I said in protest, a frown starting to form.

“It’s not too late to know each other though,” Sirius said, moving closer to me. My immediate reaction was internal panic.  _ Is he moving closer to me on purpose? Of course he is doing it on purpose! He still hasn’t let go of your wrists! Stop being so dense, Jade! Read the room! _ I felt my eyes widen, my breath trapped in my lungs. He was still looking at me, a playful grin on his face and his eyebrows raised haphazardly. In the pit of my stomach I felt the question begin to nag,  _ is this just a game to him _ , but it wasn’t enough to make me pull away. Because here he was.  _ The _ Sirius Black, standing entirely too close to me. My brother’s best friend. My best friend’s brother. The notorious bad boy, the dangerously handsome, effortlessly cool,  _ beyond irritating and arrogant _ , Sirius Black that every girl in school got their panties in a twist over. I’ve never disputed the fact that Sirius is good looking. I remember the first time James invited him over when they were 11 and I was just 10, I had an impossible childhood crush on him. Of course, that naive infatuation faded quickly once I got to school and the inevitable falling out happened between James and I. Then I became close with Regulus, saw how Sirius treated his own brother so similarly to how my brother treated me, and it solidified to me that while he may be good looking he is a git above all else. Sirius just became an extension of James to me, an extension of hard feelings, never anything more than that. Never anything that I imagined would be standing in front of me in a cupboard, with a flirtatious grin and his fingers slowly sliding from my wrist to my palm.

“Alright you two, that’s enough for the night.” Slughorn swung the supply cupboard open. As slowly as we had come together, we came apart just as quickly. It had felt like a lifetime of Sirius and I moving closer and closer together, a lifetime of his hands nearly but not quite entwined with mine. It felt like so much time had been spent inching us together in that cupboard to find us face to face, just for it all to be undone in a millisecond. At the sound of Slughorn’s voice, I felt myself step backwards from Sirius, pulling my hands away from his and looking at the ground. “Good work with the alphabetizing. I hope you two have learned your lesson about giving cheek in class and making  _ vicious and dangerous  _ potions.”

I took these words as my cue to exit. I squeezed past Slughorn without a goodbye to him or Sirius, moving as quickly as my 5’2” legs would carry me. 

“Jade, wait!” I heard Sirius shout after me.

“Actually, Mr. Black, I was hoping to finally convince you to come to one of my luncheons. It’s your final year here at Hogwarts and you still have yet to attend,” I heard Slughorn say. Thank Merlin for that old man holding Sirius up.

I practically sprinted out of the room all the way to Slytherin common room. My head was still spinning, trying to comprehend what had just happened, or more so what had almost happened. Was I really about to kiss Sirius? Did  _ he _ want to kiss  _ me? _ This all felt so left field. Sirius’ sudden interest in me, ever since he stumbled into my compartment on the train, settled into a deep knot in my stomach. What was I supposed to make of everything that has transpired between us? Not us, Sirius and I, we are not an  _ us _ . I need to get a grip. We are two people with a strong dislike for each other due to deeply rooted familial issues. Two people who just got a bit carried away during three days of detention together. That’s all. Now that we don’t have detention together, I’m sure I won’t be seeing much of him anyway. I just need to forget about everything that just happened. That seems like a good plan,  _ avoid all uncomfortable feelings and evade conflict _ .

There’s only one person on the planet who is my sounding board for emotional distress, and that’s Regulus. He is, however, the last person on the planet I can talk to about this. I know he wouldn’t take it well, I know he would be angry. Is it even worth upsetting Reg by telling him what happened when I don’t plan on ever interacting with Sirius like that  _ ever again _ ? I don’t think so. I think it might be best to keep this to myself and let the last three nights with Sirius fade into a one-off memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't think it would be possible to have such bad writer's block for a story that I've ALREADY WRITTEN. But here I am. Enjoy my toils. With the completion of this chapter, I will have technically rewritten all of the original fourth chapter. I like to think it's paced better. Hopefully chapter 7 will be up soon-ish. Chapter 7 will be another chapter written completely from scratch, not just a rewrite of what I've had before, so it might take me a bit longer to get done. Ugh. Fingers crossed.


	7. Flying and Firewhiskey

_ “Calamitous,”  _ I breathed out to the familiar bare stretch of wall. The wall opened up to the common room, and I stumbled in, still trying to catch my breath.

“You look like you’ve seen better days,” Regulus was sitting in one of the high backed chairs, our brooms in his lap.  _ Regulus _ . Immediate guilt washed over me. “I was just about to come find you.”

“Just couldn’t wait to get out of detention, I’ve had enough of Slughorn’s classroom for a lifetime,” I tried to say as coolly as I could, trying to hide how flustered I was. Of course, Reg saw right through it.

“You seem distressed,” he looked at me carefully, face looking worried. The face that was so like the one that was just an inch away from mine in a supply cupboard. “Let’s get to flying then, yeah? Seems like you need to clear your head.” I was grateful that Reg could sense that I didn’t want to talk about things. He always knows, he can always read me so well.

-x-

September air whipped around my face as Reg and I zipped in and out of the castle rooflines. It was a clear night, all of the stars and the half moon out. We were flying in silence, but it was a comfortable silence that I was grateful for. I needed time to digest everything that had transpired. Not even just the tense, almost kiss. I was still thinking about what he had said about James too.

_ “James has mentioned that you used to fly with him, he complains that you never went out for quidditch,” _ Sirius’ words rang in my ears. Somewhere, deep in the bottom of my trunk, there is an old picture of James and I. We are seven and eight years old in the picture, flying on toy brooms in the back garden. The picture was taken in May, all of the lilacs were in bloom. I swear I could smell those tiny, sweet scented flowers just thinking about it. 

I watched as Reg dipped out of sight, and I sped up to try and catch up to him. I pressed myself closer to my broomstick, gaining speed.

“Finally, you slowpoke,” Reg said, a wide smile on his face. The top of his hair was blowing softly in the wind, the moonlight illuminating his face. He did always look his happiest when he was on a broomstick. I always tell him he should go pro after school, he always tells me his mum would kill him. “Let’s find somewhere to sit,” he said, beginning his descent. I followed him onto a part of the roof with a shallow incline. I sat right next to him, our sides pressed to each other.

“It’s  _ freezing _ ,” I whined. Autumn had wasted no time settling in at Hogwarts. It was only early September but it was a crisp, cool night as if it was late October.

“This will keep you warm,” Regulus reached into his robe pocket, pulling out a silver flask that glittered in the moonlight as if it had just been forged. Must be goblin made, Regulus always has such nice things. I could see the Black family crest engraved on it. He took a swig from the flask, his face grimacing briefly but quick to be replaced by a mischievous grin.

I grabbed the flask from his offering hand and sniffed it suspiciously, the smell of cinnamon hit my nose. “Regulus Black, you are the devil,” I said, smiling at him. I took a large drink, the firewhiskey hitting my throat with a welcome burn. “Out on the roof after flying around after hours, drinking alcohol? What kind of prefect are you?” 

“It’s a Friday night, no better time to break some rules,” he said with a laugh, taking the flask from me for another sip. “So, how are you feeling about flying? Any thoughts on quidditch tryouts?” Reg asked a bit too eagerly. He was still trying very hard to get me to try out for the team, badgering me in class and during breaks to consider it.

“Yeah, I’ve been thinking about quidditch,” I said, my voice heavier than I intended it to be.

“Doesn’t sound like you’ve been thinking good things about it,” Reg replied, immediately picking up on the change in my tone.

I took a deep breath. “Sirius was in detention with me again,” I started. Reg’s face changed to a deep scowl. I took another deep breath, trying to pick the right words. I couldn’t bring up the almost-kiss, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t ruin our night of flying and firewhiskey by telling him about that. Especially considering I have decided I’m simply going to never speak to Sirius ever again. However, I think I could tell him about  _ other  _ things Sirius and I talked about. “He brought up James,” I said. 

“Ah, that’s why you seemed so distraught when you came into the common room,” Reg said.

I detailed to Reg what Sirius told me about my brother. I explained how it made me feel confused, how I thought James didn’t think about me as anything other than an annoyance, certainly not as something he wishes would go out for quidditch. I was careful not to talk too much about Sirius, I didn’t want Regulus to get any ideas, and really focused on James. Reg listened intently, nodding his head but not interrupting me.

“Do you want to have him in your life again?” Reg asked, his face quizzical. “Hearing what Sirius said about him seems to have really affected you. I haven’t heard you talk this much about James in a long time.” Reg was right, I hadn’t talked about James this much in years.

“I...I don’t know,” I said with a shaky breath. “There’s a lot of hard feelings between us, I don’t know if it’s salvageable. He has been so cruel to me for years, acting as if I’m a leper.” I felt tears starting to well in my eyes, and I swallowed hard to keep them at bay.

“Regardless of if you think you  _ can _ work it out with him, do you  _ want _ to?” Regulus asked.

“I don’t think so,” I said after thinking about it. “Because I don’t think I can forgive him for vacating out of my life, let alone for all of the tormenting and nasty things he’s said along the way. I feel like if I ever let him back in my life, I would be doomed to be angry at him for forever.”   
I could hear my voice start to crack, and I reached hastily for the flask from Regulus, welcoming the distracting burn of firewhiskey down my throat. “Which makes me feel like a terrible person, shouldn’t I be able to forgive my own brother?”

“Just because he’s your brother doesn’t mean he deserves your forgiveness,” Reg said darkly, grabbing the flask from my hand and taking a lengthy sip. I couldn’t help but think he was not speaking only of James when he said that. “But it is exhausting to carry around that much anger at someone. Maybe you don’t want him in your life, maybe too much damage has been done, but you still need to forgive him so you can let him go and move on with your life.”

“How am I supposed to forgive him though? I can’t just walk up to him and be like  _ “hey James, I know we haven’t had a civil conversation in years, but I forgive you for being a big old jerk to me all of this time, I know your pea brain can’t comprehend that all Slytherin’s are in fact not terrible people” _ I can’t imagine that would go over very well.”

“You can forgive him without talking to him,” Reg said contemplatively. “You can forgive him for yourself. And just because you forgive him doesn’t mean you aren’t holding him accountable for his actions, or that you necessarily want him back in your life. You can forgive him for your own peace of mind.”

“How am I supposed to do that without talking to him though? How am I supposed to get closure?” I said, my voice breaking again.

“Closure isn’t something you get out of a conversation with someone else. Closure is something you find within yourself,” Reg said, his voice even and calm, like he’s said these words a thousand times. “A big part of forgiveness is understanding. Do you understand why James acts the way he does?”

When did Regulus become so wise? Is this what he’s learning about in divination? 

“Do I understand?” I repeated back at Reg. I thought long and hard about the question, the only sounds to be heard were Reg’s soft breath and the occasional owl hoot. I looked out at the grounds of Hogwarts from our rooftop perch. I’ve spent going on six years at this castle, on these grounds, drowning in hostility between my brother and I.

My thoughts circled back to what Regulus had said earlier,  _ let him go and move on with your life _ . It seemed harsh, the idea of just “letting James go.” He is my brother, however shitty of a brother he has been, and he’s still family. We still spent our early childhood doing everything together, those memories still burn so bright. Maybe James still thinks of those memories too, still pines to have a little sister playing quidditch alongside him at school. Maybe he too grieves what never got to be between us, but I think his genuine disdain for me overrides any sentimental feelings he has. His conversation with Sirius that I overheard by the lake seemed to make me think so. Maybe I have been too closed off, I suppose James can’t bear all of the blame. In the end though, James was the one who pushed me out of his life. He was the one who chose to put housing placement above the love and bond of two siblings.

This is his last year at Hogwarts, and once he is graduated I doubt he and I will be in touch. He doesn’t strike me as the type to start writing letters to the sister that he already ignores. I’ve always felt that the end of James’ seventh year would begin the true estrangement of the Potter siblings. The only reason James occasionally interacts with me now is because he is forced to see me at school. So maybe it  _ is _ time to let go of James, let him become the ghost of our childhood. Start the inevitable process of us becoming the strangers he has insisted on us being for the past six years.

“I suppose I understand,” I began slowly, but then the words came spilling out. “My whole family has been in Gryffindor, literally every single one. My parents, especially my dad, really instilled the whole  _ bravery and courage above all else  _ on us from a young age. James idolizes dad too, so of course he took those words to heart. My parents are also very vocal about muggles and muggleborns, you know how they are, Reg. My parents love them! They taught us that if there’s magic inside of you, then of course you deserve to be a witch or wizard. My dad was the first one in our family to start saying that the Slytherins are a bunch of blood purists, filled with hate towards anyone who is different. I can understand where he gets that from. We  _ do _ have a lot of shady people that we share our house with. There  _ does _ seem to be an awful lot of those death eaters, or whatever they call themselves, that come from Slytherin. I’m sure it doesn’t help too that he’s best friends with Sirius, who also thinks all Slytherin’s are purist gits. Which is ridiculous, because obviously that’s not true.  _ I _ don’t care about anyone’s lineage. You don’t either!” I looked up to see Reg looking straight forward, face blank but nodding his head yes.

“So I get sorted into Slytherin and James thinks I must be rotten to the core, because that’s what he’s been taught by not only his own parents, but also by his best friend. James is also incredibly stubborn, ever since we were kids. Never able to admit he is wrong, and once he makes his mind up about something that’s it. I mean, here he is seven years later still insisting Lily Evans will be the woman he marries. Of course he still thinks of me as snake scum.” I could feel my heart pounding in my temples from the catharsis of it all. I’d never spoken those things all out loud, never taken the time to verbalize _ why _ James thinks so poorly of me.

“What you’re saying makes sense. Do you think that the reasons behind James’ actions excuses them?” Reg directed his gaze down at me, his gray eyes softening as they found mine. In that moment, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for my best friend. For all of my endless rambling, Reg always has succinct questions to keep the conversation going. He always seems to pull my feelings right out of me, getting me to open up like nobody else does. I don’t know how he does it. I dropped my head onto his shoulder, and he put a warm arm around me.

“I...no. It doesn’t excuse his actions. Just because there’s context for why James is terrible to me, he ultimately made the decision to let his own prejudice ruin his relationship with his sister,” I felt a tear start to leak out from the corner of my eye, and I knew it was only a matter of seconds before the full on crying would start. I took a deep, uneven breath. I knew I had to finish what I wanted to say. I knew I was never going to say these things to James, but I was so overwhelmed by the need to just  _ say them _ .

“But that’s a reflection of his character, not mine. I’m...I’m not less of a person because my brother treats me like I am.” The words kept coming, flowing out of my mouth like a creek after a heavy rain. “I can’t keep dwelling on what could have been between James and I. I can’t keep letting my estranged brother be such a defining facet of my personality. I don’t want to be angry with him anymore, and I feel so limited because of that anger. I’m tired of feeling bad about being in a different house than my family, it’s so  _ stupid _ . I’m tired of feeling like there’s something wrong with me. There’s not. It’s okay to be ambitious and resourceful, or whatever the fuck all the hat says about us. I have many good qualities, more than James will ever know.” The tears were falling thick and fast, Reg’s shoulder quickly becoming damp. 

“You  _ do _ have good qualities, you are the best person I’ve ever met,” Reg said with a reassuring squeeze of his arm around my shoulder. “You deserve the whole world, Jade, and you can have the whole world regardless of what James, or any of your family, thinks of you.”

“Thank you,” I managed to say, between sobs that I was trying to control from being too embarrassingly loud.

“Do you think you’re able to forgive James?” Reg asked softly, tilting his head to rest on top of mine. I could feel his breath in my hair, and I felt the sadness and resentment that had been building up for so long slowly start to leave my body.

“I don’t know if I can forgive him, that’s a tall order,” I started. “But I think I can forgive myself, at least a little. Forgive myself for letting James take up so much of my mental energy for so long, for blaming myself for everything. I can forgive myself for becoming such a shell of myself at the hands of my brother's cold shoulder.”

Regulus squeezed me even tighter. “I think that’s a very powerful first step. I’m proud of you, Jade. Forgiving yourself is hard, arguably harder than forgiving others. Forgiveness for James will come with time. You’ve always been too hard on yourself, you deserve to be who you are without guilt. You are Jade Potter, and you are a Slytherin. You are from the house of nobility and pride, and those aren’t bad things. You are mischievous and cunning, and those are the things that make you  _ you _ .”

Regulus’ words made me cry even harder. He always,  _ always _ understands. It felt like such a stark contrast from earlier today in detention, when Sirius brought up James and I. He immediately started pointing blame towards me  _ “you don’t make it easy on James.”  _ As if James ever made it easy for me. Sirius had been so tactless towards such a sensitive subject. A sensitive subject that he of all people should understand, considering his own relationship with his brother. Regulus had approached the subject so delicately, saying just the right words to get me to really express what I felt. The stress of the tense detention with Sirius, the stress from both his comments about James and from our almost kiss, melted away from me as I cried into Reg’s shoulder. I was filled with thankfulness to have the best friend in the world, someone who really understands me.

“Have you forgiven Sirius?” I asked once I was able to regain some composure. I wiped the remaining tears off of my cheeks, looking up at Regulus. He took a long swig from the flask, and I could tell by the sound that he had finished the last of the firewhiskey. He didn’t say anything for a while, his face hardened and difficult to read. Exactly what emotion he was feeling was challenging to discern.

“Forgiveness isn’t linear or finite,” Reg finally said, his voice dark. I could smell the cinnamon heat coming off of his breath. “Some people you have you to continuously forgive, as there’s seemingly always something new to forgive them for.”

I wanted to push and see what Regulus meant by that,  _ always something new to forgive them for _ , but I could tell by his tone he did not want to talk about it. He doesn’t talk about Sirius often, especially not at length and especially not since Sirius ran away from their home. I knew it was best to leave it. Reg will talk when he’s ready, and I like to think I’ll know when he is ready. Just like he knew I was ready to deep dive into my internal struggles with James tonight, even if  _ I  _ didn’t know I was ready for it.

“Thank you for being the best, Reggie.” I said softly into his shoulder. I felt him exhale sharply through his nose, and I knew without looking that he was smiling.

“I’ll let you get away with that terrible nickname, just for tonight.” Reg kept his arm wrapped tight around my shoulders, and I felt the distress of my relationship with James slowly begin to thaw out for the first time in years. Also, for the first time all week, after three days of detention with Sirius, the ruminating thoughts of him and the distress of our almost kiss completely left my mind as I sat on the roof with my best friend by my side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOHOO, got the new chapter up in a week. It's a heavy one, but essential for ~thematic purposes~. The next couple of chapters should be a bit more humorous/lighthearted :)


	8. Regulus Aquarius Black

I had my broom clutched in my hand, walking towards the quidditch pitch. It was the perfect September day, sunny and warm with just enough of a breeze to keep you from becoming a puddle of sweat. Per usual, I was running late. I made my way across the grounds as quickly as I could. I wasn’t even sure who I was at the moment, willingly going to tryouts. Never in a million years would _I_ have believed that I would be trying out of quidditch. I didn’t even know what position I wanted to play, but I knew I wanted to at least try and see if I was any good at it.

After my personal catharsis with Regulus about James, I had been feeling more like myself than I had in years. I felt like a new person, which is a bit scary, but also exciting. I felt lighter, uninhibited, dare I say, happier. I don’t know when exactly I decided I was going to try out, but once it was in my head that I was going to _actually do it_ , I couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

I hurried onto the pitch towards the crowd of people, hoping I wasn’t _too_ late.

“One of our beaters and two of our chasers graduated last year, so we are looking to fill those vacanci-” Regulus faltered mid sentence, noticing my arrival. I hadn’t told him I was going to try out, even amidst his never ending pestering. He gave me a small grin, and then went back to addressing the crowd of quidditch-team-hopefuls. “We’ll start with some flying drills, so I can see how acclimated you are to a broomstick, and from there we’ll do some more targeted skills.”

Regulus was always a different animal when it came to quidditch. He was usually calm and cool, and not one to insert himself unless needed. He’s always been one to quietly do well at things, but not one to demand the spotlight. Quidditch was something else though, he was the seeker after all. The star of the team. Especially this year with him being captain, the confidence radiated off of him while on the pitch. He was assertive, he was bossy, he was a leader. It’s always fascinating to me, seeing the different facets of Reg’s personality.

Flying drills went well. Regulus sent a couple of younger Slytherin’s off the pitch, those who were clearly not up to his flying expectations. They looked crestfallen, but Reg softened their dismissal, telling them to come again next year as they all looked promising. He’s always been like that, extending kindness to those that are “lesser” than him. Reg won’t even kill spiders, he _insists_ that they be captured and released outside. I tell him that they’ll just come back inside, we should just squish them. He tells me that he hopes no one ever decides to kill him just because he’s in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Tryouts wore on, and I was sweaty and tired. I ended up trying out for both chaser and beater, because screw it. Why not. I did fairly well at chaser, scoring two goals. Where I really shined was at beater, which took me by surprise. I could tell Regulus was surprised too by the look on his face when I sent a bludger hurtling towards Sebastiano Pacheco, one of the returning chasers.

“Didn’t expect such a strong hit from those noodle arms,” Reg said with a grin as I approached him. The rest of the Slytherin’s had cleared out, leaving just myself and Regulus on the pitch.

“I didn’t either, went pretty well though, yeah?” I picked up the quaffle and set it into the chest as Reg wrestled to get the chains around a bludger.

“I can’t believe you even tried out, why didn’t you tell me you were going to? I’m only a little offended,” Reg said, finally securing the struggling bludger.

“I wanted to surprise you! After our….embarrassingly emotional talk about James the other night, I figured to hell with it. Why _not_ try out for quidditch? Why not do something I might be good at just because it reminds me of my brother?” 

“Ah yes, I forgot, you are all cleansed of your malice now. A whole new Jade stands before me,” Reg said teasingly. I wrinkled my nose at him and considered undoing the bludger chains he had just secured. “I’m really happy you tried out though, best surprise I could have had today.”

“Soooo when is our first practice?” I asked, bending down to help Reg with the second bludger’s chains.

“Very bold to assume you’ve made the team,” Reg said with a smirk. “You’ll have to wait and see, just like everyone else.”

“You’ve been begging me non stop to try out, and now you won’t tell me if I’m on the team!” I cried in protest.

“That wouldn’t be very fair, would it?” Reg got the last chain around the bludger and closed the chest of quidditch balls shut.

“But I’m your best friend, Mr. Captain. Tell meeeee,” I whined.

“Patience is a virtue, Jade.” Reg rolled his eyes.

“Come oooooon,” I kept whining. “You can just tell meeeee Captain Wanker,” I continued to prod.

“Jeez, you’re so _pushy_ today. Go to the greenhouse and smoke something to unwind, yeah?” Reg waved me away with his hand. Perhaps Captain Wanker took it too far.

“FINE. Maybe I will,” I huffed at him as I walked off the pitch, leaving Regulus behind. The sun was starting to set as I made my way back to the castle, casting long shadows and turning the sky Chudley Canons orange. Mild annoyance at Regulus’ commitment to being a _fair and just_ (isn’t that a Hufflepuff thing? We’re Slytherins! The house that values, fraternity, which is often just another word for nepotism) quidditch captain aside, I felt at peace. No thoughts of James soured my quidditch try out today, and that felt like a victory in itself. I’ve been having barely any thoughts or worries about James at all. I’ve even had no thoughts about last week with Sirius, certainly no thoughts about our almost kiss.

-x-

“He _is_ quite handsome and I think that that is quite _stupid_ , Pepper,” I said to the house elf that had been unlucky enough to engage in conversation with me. She nodded her head in fervent agreement as I took a long sip of firewhiskey. No other way to celebrate your very first quidditch tryout than by drinking by yourself in the school kitchens. “Do you think I made it all up in my head, were we _really_ about to kiss or am I being crazy?” I questioned with a bit too much distress in my voice.

“I does not know, Miss. Jade,” Pepper said sweetly.

“I mean, his face was so close to mine. He kept his hands wrapped around my wrists!” I kept on talking, remembering that supply closet and the dropped jar of shark eyes. Remembering Sirius’ eyes looking into mine, how my name sounded coming from his mouth. “Do you think he thinks about it too?”

“I thinks you should talk to him about this, Miss. Jade,” Pepper said.

“Ugh, absolutely not,” I slammed my head down onto the counter, groaning. “I need to just forget about it _._ I need to stop saying I’m going to not think about it, and actually do it. This stays between us, right Pepper?”

“Yes Miss. Jade, Pepper is very good with secrets. Please be careful with your brain though!” Pepper let out a squeal as I continued to pound my head against the counter, creating a rhythmic _thud thud thud._

“I was doing fine! Doing great! Barely thinking about him at all, and then I see him once and I go spiraling!” It was true. On my walk back into the castle, I had seen Sirius walking in the other direction with James and Remus. I hightailed it down a hallway that was completely out of the way, but I didn’t want him to see me. Just seeing him had sent me back down the _were we going to kiss? Why do I care if we were going to kiss? Why hasn’t he talked to me? We talked more in three days of detention than we had in all of our years of knowing each other. Why was he so handsome? Why do I think my best friend’s brother is handsome! Why can’t I get a damn grip!_ rabbit hole that I had been in last week. I feel like a lunatic.

“I am so _stupid!”_ I yelled into the countertop.

“Jade? Jade, are you in here? I think I just heard you, and yes you are quite stupid.” I lifted my head at the sound of Regulus’ voice. I looked around for him, my search proving to be difficult. My vision was much more blurred than I expected it to be. How much of this bottle had I drank?

“Oh for fuck’s sake Jade, your eyes are barely open. When I said go smoke something I didn’t really mean it.” Regulus appeared in front of me, arms crossed and with a look as disapproving as my father’s. He then turned his attention to Pepper, giving the house elf a curt bow. “Hello, Pepper. Thank you for taking such good care of Jade. I’ve got her from here.”

“Thank you Mr. Regulus!” Pepper squeaked out, noticeably overwhelmed by Regulus’ display of respect, and hurried off.

“I didn’t smoke _anything_ , Reggie. I am just a liiiiitle tipsy,” I said with a giggle as Reg pulled a face. He hates being called Reggie so much, which is why it’s so much fun to call him exactly that.

“A little tipsy? Half of that bottle is gone, you’re pissed drunk!” Reg shook his head, picking up the bottle of firewhiskey to inspect the damage I had done.

“Don’t chastise me! Who was giving me firewhiskey on the roof just last week?” I replied, snatching the bottle back from him and taking yet another sip. The alcohol burned in the back of my throat, but not as much as it had when I first started drinking. Maybe I am a little more than tipsy.

“That was different! A responsible amount of alcohol is one thing, but this is entirely something else!” Regulus kept shaking his head at me.

“Oh loosen up Reggiekinz-” I started to say, but was swiftly interrupted.

“ _Reggiekinz?_ I need to get you to bed. Never call me that again or I’m going to kick you off of the team,” Regulus said, grabbing my arm and leading me out of the kitchen.

“So I made the team!” I yelled excitedly as Regulus guided us through the hallways. “I won’t let you down, Regulus Aquarius Black.”

“AQUARIUS?! It’s Arcturus!” Regulus threw his hands up in exasperation. I took advantage of the removal of his grip, and took off running. To where, I don’t know. But running through empty corridors seemed like an excellent idea to my very intoxicated brain. My legs stumbled a bit as I ran, heavy from the alcohol.

“You’ll never catch me, Reggie Aquarius!” I let out a high pitched, gleeful laugh that echoed through the corridors. My words were quickly proved otherwise as Regulus came up behind me shortly thereafter and bear hugged me from behind to stop me.

“Reggie Aquarius is the worst name you’ve ever come up with,” Regulus said as I tried to squirm out of his grip. He no longer sounded annoyed though, as his laugh started to mix with mine. “Which means I’m going to be hearing a lot more of it.”

“Let me goooooooo,” I whined, still trying to break free from Reg’s grasp. “I have bad decisions to make and you’re not letting meeee.” I threw an elbow back into Regulus’ stomach, causing him to finally let go of me. As I was about to take off running yet again, no one other than my brother rounded the corner. I’m sure you can guess who he was with.

“What is going on here?” James said harshly, surveying the scene before him. An out of breath Regulus still recovering from the jab to his diaphragm, and a very drunk me stunned in place. “What are you two doing out?”

“It’s not after hours, we’re allowed to be in the hallways, Potter,” Regulus said snidely, regaining his composure.

“She’s clearly drunk!” He motioned to me. “She’s breaking rules!”

“Oh because you’ve always been one to care about _rules_ ,” I slurred out, rolling my eyes. 

“Twenty points from Slytherin!” James glowered at me. Like points even matter, who gives a shit about the house cup?

“I’m a prefect,” Regulus interceded. “I can handle reprimanding my own housemates.

“Well I’m head boy!” James argued back. And so the pissing match between James and Regulus commenced, arguing over authority and who has more of a right to be telling me that I cannot be partaking in underage drinking.

I looked to Sirius, who like me, was choosing to just be a spectator of the scene before us. He remained silent, letting our brothers bicker. His eyes met mine, and instead of looking away I held his gaze. My body warm and judgement impaired from the firewhiskey, I didn’t scowl at him or look away. I kept looking right at him, and gave him a wide smile. He returned the smile, his gray eyes crinkling in the corners, indicating that he too was aware of the absurdity of this situation. We stood there, my alcohol leadened legs causing me to sway back and forth to stay upright, in our own little bubble for what felt like eternity. Sharing the same shit eating grin as our respective best friends argued over who should be admonishing me.

“I am fully capable of controlling those of my own house, your intervention isn’t necessary, _head boy,_ ” Regulus’ voice sucked me out of the moment Sirius and I had been sharing together. Reg’s hand wrapped around my upper arm, and I knew he was about to pull me away.

“Oooooh, are you going to _punish me_ , Reggie?” The words came slurring out of my mouth without a second thought, followed by a high pitched girlish giggle.

“I know what my girl likes, what can I say?” Reg countered quickly, playing along with my crude joke. He did always have a soft spot for my terrible, dirty humor. We both laughed as Regulus began to guide us back towards the Slytherin common room. I gave a fleeting a glance back at our brothers, my face still smiling in drunken delight. Sirius, however, was not. The smile on his face replaced with a scowl that, dare I say, looked a bit jealous.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on quite the role here with writing, so I imagine writer's block is around the corner. This one was a fun one to write :)


	9. Dog Days

He’s terrible. He’s unbearable. He’s insufferable. Regulus is a quidditch _tyrant_. We have practice every single day after class, and now he’s saying we should start practicing in the mornings too! What happened to the Regulus that demands eight full hours of beauty sleep every night? Regulus has been working us to the bone, and we’re only two weeks into practice. How am I supposed to do this for the rest of the year? My body is in a constant state of aching from practice, and I’m even more behind on schoolwork than I normally am.

I stretched my legs out, my back against my favorite tree looking over the lake. The sun had risen, and I was soaking up the last few minutes of morning light before heading back into the castle for breakfast. I flexed my toes upward, trying to stretch out my calves. My legs have been so tight since starting quidditch, I’m hoping it’ll get better as I get used to being on a broomstick nearly seven days a week.

Quidditch has been nice though, Reg’s tyranny aside. Who would have thought doing extracurriculars would be enjoyable? Regulus was correct, it was nice starting to make friends. Or acquaintances. I don’t know if I would call them friends quite yet. I’m always cautious to let people close enough to consider them friends. The quidditch team is a boys club, with the exception of me. I pointed this out to Regulus, and he just shrugged at me. The boys were relatively nice though. A bit standoffish to me at first, but I’m not the warmest person either so I don’t take it too personally.

I stood up slowly, my legs still stiff. I closed my eyes and stretched my arms up over my head, letting the soft golden light of the sunrise wash over my face.

_ “CANINUS PETITUS!”  _ I heard a voice yell, and before I could even grab my wand to defend myself, the spell had hit me. I could feel myself shrinking, getting smaller and smaller until I was on all fours on the ground. I went to yell at the perpetrator, but all that came out of my mouth was a high pitched bark. A bark? What? I heard laughter and looked up to see my brother and his buffoon of a best friend towering over me.

“This is why you don’t turn a man’s hair pink,” James said, as he bent down to scoop me up. “Good job turning her into a puppy, Sirius.”

A puppy? They turned me into a goddamn DOG?  _ Are you trying to imply that I’m a bitch? _ I tried to yell out, but it only came out as more angry barks. James passed me over to Sirius as they began walking towards the castle.

“I always seem to do well with canine transfiguration,” Sirius said with a shrug, causing James to let out a loud laugh. I snarled at both of them, attempting to bite Sirius’ hand. “Oh come on Jade, look on the bright side! You get to spend  _ all day  _ with us.”

I continued to try and struggle out of Sirius’ hands as they walked to the castle, but eventually gave up. His grip is too strong and I am too small in my puppy state. James and Sirius took a seat at the Gryffindor table, across from Remus and Peter. 

“Oh, almost forgot the leash. Don’t want you running off anywhere,” James says, pulling a leash and collar out of his bag. I nip at his hand, sinking my tiny teeth into his skin, as he puts the collar around me. He sits me in his lap and begins filling his plate with food. I put my paws up on the table, looking to see if there is anything I could snatch. The rage of being transfigured into a dog has left me famished.

“Here Jade, you can eat this,” Sirius shoves a piece of waffle towards me. Are you  _ fucking _ kidding me? WAFFLES? I growl at him and the revolting piece of breakfast food. Just then, Lily Evans approaches the table and sits down with the boys.

“James, where did you get that dog?” She says, narrowing her green eyes. Wait. Why is she calling him James and not yelling at him? Why is she sitting with him and his idiot friends? Please do not tell me Lily Evans has finally come around to my brother. As if his ego wasn’t already insufferable. 

“It’s Remus’ dog,” Sirius supplies. Remus looks up from his book, looks at me, and shrugs his shoulders silently. I look at him with pleading eyes. He’s supposed to be the sensible one, right?

“Oh yeah, what’s the dog’s name then?” Lily asks, still suspicious. Maybe she’ll be able to put it together and get me out of this mess.

“Her name is Fluffy!” James says, giving me a pet on the head. I go for another bite at his hand, but he pulls it away in time. Fluffy? That’s the best name you can come up with for me? Unbelievable.

“Well, Fluffy certainly doesn’t seem to like you,” Lily says, and then turns her attention to her porridge. I look across the hall to the Slytherin table and see Regulus sitting by himself. He’s looking around the hall, likely looking for me. I try to bark to get his attention, but the sound is lost in the noise of students eating their breakfast.

-x-

“Potter, why is there an animal in my classroom?” Slughorn says sternly. I’ve spent half of the day transfigured as Remus’ puppy, Fluffy. It has been hell. Listening to the vapid and pointless conversations of James and his friends. I’ve tried escaping, but it’s been futile. James or Sirius always make sure to keep a tight grip on my leash. 

“It’s an extra assignment for Transfiguration,” James says with so much ease that anyone would be hard pressed to think he was lying. 

“Well, make sure it stays out of the way and doesn’t get burned. We don’t need any accidents. I’ll have to talk to Minerva about her assignments.” Slughorn looks at me with discontent, but doesn’t push the subject any further. He begins talking about their potion for the day, and I mentally check out. Potions is arguably even more boring when you’re a dog. I curl up on the desk and decide that if I’m condemned to being a puppy, I might as well try to sleep through it. As I was beginning to doze off, I felt someone start to pick me up. Expecting to see the face of James or Sirius, I was taken aback to see I was now in the hands of Evan Rosier and Sebastiano Pacheco.

“Look at those idiots’ precious puppy,” Evan said, holding me up closer to his broad, ugly face. Evan Rosier is a thug, and everyone knows it. I can’t stand him. I let out a whimper to try and express my displeasure.

“Looks like she doesn’t like you very much,” Sebastiano replied, taking me out of Evan’s hands. Sebastiano is the Slytherin chaser I nearly smashed in the face with a bludger at tryouts. Sebastiano is a dark haired, dark eyed boy. A lot of the girls in my house are into him, he’s tall and quiet friendly, especially for Slytherin standards. We’ve gotten on well enough at quidditch practice. He’s probably my favorite teammate, save for Regulus of course.

“Well the girl you like doesn’t like  _ you _ very much,” Evan shot back. The slightest blush began to blossom on Sebastiano’s tanned cheeks.

“We just started spending time together, I’m sure she doesn’t even have an opinion about if she fancies me,” Sebastiano replied.

“Quidditch practice barely counts as spending time together,” Evan said with an eyeroll. “Besides, isn’t she Blacks’ girl?”

I tilted my head at both of them, much too invested in the conversation. Sebastiano is into me? People think I’m Black’s girl? My mind immediately started racing with panicked thoughts.  _ Evan must know about the almost kiss with Sirius. People must be saying that we’re involved! _ I quickly realized how ridiculous that would be. Evan must be talking about Regulus. Which on further thought is just as ridiculous, of course I’m not dating Regulus.

“I talked to Regulus’ about it, he said she’s not,” Sebastiano replied with a shrug.

“Ah, well, Black is probably too busy with  _ other obligations _ to be dating anyway,” Evan said, raising his eyebrows. What did he mean? Other obligations? 

“WHERE IS FLUFFY?” I could hear James yelling from the back of the classroom. Before I had time to fully process what I had just overheard, I felt myself flying through the air as James hollered  _ “accio Fluffy!” _

“Potter! Flying dogs are the opposite of safety!” Slughorn shouted.

-x-

The novelty of being a dog has fully worn off, if there was ever any to begin with. Will they ever transfigure me back? Or am I doomed to be Fluffy forever? I’m currently in Sirius’ bag, which is in desperate need of a good cleaning. I’m surrounded by scraps of parchment, broken quills, loose candy, and good lord is that a condom wrapper? Get me out of here.

“POTTER,” I recognize the voice of my best friend instantly. “Where is she? Where’s Jade?” I could hear him demanding. He sounded furious.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jame said, not even trying to make the lie sound convincing. I have to get out of this bag.

“She’s been missing all day! What did you do with her!” Regulus continued to yell. I began barking madly, hoping Regulus would hear me. 

“We don’t have her,” I could hear Sirius say. I began rustling around in the bag even more frantically, desperate to get out. Finally, the bag opened enough for me to wiggle out. I scrambled over to Regulus, continuing to bark at him. Hopefully he’ll be able to put it together.

“Did you...did you turn  _ her into a DOG?!” _ He bellowed, scooping me up quickly before James or Sirius could get their hands back on me. With his free hand, he whipped out his wand with lightning speed and hit James with a perfect jelly legs jinx. “Human to animal transfiguration is extremely dangerous, you could have killed her!” 

“Good thing I’m a bit of an expert at it,” Sirius said, his wand also drawn, ready to hit Regulus with who knows what kind of jinx. Luckily, Regulus was quicker than him.

“LANGLOCK,” Regulus yelled, causing Sirius’ tongue to become glued to the roof of his mouth. Still safely in Regulus’ hands, he walked away from Sirius and James briskly until we were a safe distance away from them. “Caninus humana,” Reg muttered, and I felt myself finally leaving my puppy state.

“Thank Merlin you found me, Reg. It was  _ terrible _ being a dog all damn day,” I said, wrapping my arms around Regulus for a hug.

“I’ll always come find you,” Regulus said seriously. He pulled himself away so he could look me up and down. “Are you okay? Did they hurt you? How did they do it?” 

I explained to Regulus how they hit me with the spell while I was watching the sunrise, and toted me around all day as Fluffy. I could see the relief flood his face when I told him I wasn’t injured in any way.

“We’ll have to come up with a wicked good revenge plan though,” I said with a small grin.

“Revenge plan will have to come after quidditch,” Regulus replied. “Come on, we’re going to be late for practice.”

“You’re still going to make me go to practice after spending  _ all day _ being held captive as a dog?” I protested. Wait. Quidditch. That reminds me of what I overheard Sebastiano Pacheco and Evan Rosier talking about today.

“What kind of captain would I be if I didn’t?” Regulus continued talking about plans for practice, but my mind was occupied, thinking about what I had overheard earlier in the day. 

“So I heard Sebastiano asked if we were dating, is that true?” I interrupted Regulus’ quidditch talk. He looked taken aback by the sudden change of subject, but I was too eager to pick his brain about it.

“Where did you hear that?” Regulus asked, not answering my question.

“From him. I overheard him and Evan Rosier talking about it in their potions class,” I replied, trying to get a read on Regulus’ face. He looked caught off guard, his dark eyebrows knit together.

“He did ask,” Regulus admitted, his face still looking perplexed. “I told him of course not, that would be ridiculous.”

“Why didn’t you tell me he asked! What if I’m interested in him too!” I said, trying to pry more information out of him.

“You would have told me if you’re interested in him!” Regulus did have a point there. “Besides, he’s a vapid pretty boy. Nothing of substance besides a nice head of hair, just like Sirius,” Regulus spat.

“Oh you know me, always dating men of substance,” I replied sarcastically. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend, Jonah Coleman. He was a ravenclaw boy, two years older than me, with sandy blonde hair that I dated for a bit last year. He was quite pretentious and boring, but he was nice to look at. We never had very deep conversations, unless you count marathon kissing sessions in empty classrooms as deep. Maybe vapid pretty boys are my type. We ended up breaking up shortly before he graduated, I knew there was nothing there worth putting in the effort for a long distance relationship. Regulus could never stand Jonah.

“Maybe it’s about high time you start,” Regulus said, his gray eyes locking with mine only briefly, but long enough to take me back a bit. Shaking off his last comment, my mind still ruminated on the last bit of Evan and Sebastiano’s conversation.  _ “Too busy with other obligations to be dating.”  _ Evan Rosier’s words hung heavily on my mind. My curiosity won out over the possibility of stepping on Regulus’ toes, and I decided to ask him.

“Evan said something about you being too busy with  _ other obligations _ to be dating,” I said lightly, trying to see how Regulus would react. 

“You shouldn’t take anything Rosier says seriously, first of. He probably meant me being quidditch captain and a prefect this year, I am in fact, quite busy,” Regulus said with a shrug. I didn’t push the subject any further, but unease settled over me. The tone of his voice was only slightly off, but enough that someone who knows Reg well enough to pick up on. For the first time in our friendship, a part of me felt like Regulus was not telling the truth.


	10. Invisible String

I often catch myself thinking back on the early days of mine and Regulus’ friendship. He gave me the smallest smile, maybe not even a smile but simply not a scowl, as I walked myself over to the Slytherin table after being sorted into the house of emerald and silver. I took that as an invitation to sit next to him. So I did.

I didn’t say a word when I sat down next to Regulus, I was too shell shocked from not being sorted into Gryffindor. He didn’t say anything either, his eyebrows raised at me as I took my seat. Regulus made polite small talk with those around us during the meal. I was too nervous, too upset to do anything other than push my food around my plate. I had been told that the Slytherin house was full of no good bullies, and I was terrified. I was also terrified that my brother now hated me, after seeing the look of disdain on James’ face after my sorting.

I remained mute as the feast wrapped up and the prefects shepherded us to our common room. I was so busy keeping my eyes trained on the ground that I made a wrong turn and got separated from the group. I hadn’t even realized this until I was startled by the sound of Regulus calling after me.

_ “Jade, we’re supposed to go this way,” _ he said, waving to me. I hurried towards him, petrified of the idea of being lost in the corridors for forever. Makes sense that the first words Regulus spoke to me were words to keep me safe, to keep me on track. He must have been keeping an eye on me as we made our way to the Slytherin common room for the first time. I don’t think he’s ever stopped keeping an eye on me. Regulus always seems to show up when I’m in trouble. He’s always just around the corner, always calling after me when I go astray. 

I caught up to him, surprised he had even remembered my name. I hadn’t introduced myself to him at dinner, he must have remembered it from when McGonagall called my name for the sorting. 

_ “Are you Sirius’ brother?” _ was the first thing I ever said to Regulus. I knew he had to be, they looked so alike. I had gotten to know Sirius’ face well, seeing as Sirius had spent a large portion of the summer holiday with my family. Him and James were practically inseparable. 

_ “How do you know?” _ Regulus asked me in his squeaky eleven year old voice.

_ “You look just like him.” _

_ “I’d say I’m much better looking though, wouldn’t you?”  _ Regulus had said to me, the first joke he ever made to me. He smiled at me, and for the first time I felt welcomed by someone at Hogwarts.

Our very first class, charms, I walked into the classroom nervous as all hell. I looked around the room to see all of the girls in my year were already sitting with someone, not that I had particularly gotten along with any of them on that first night in the dormitory. They all hated my cat, Jaws, and Scarlet Myers made a nasty comment about my family being blood traitors as soon as she saw me. Very vicious for an eleven year old. I kept looking around the classroom, anxious over finding a partner to sit with. My eyes landed on Regulus, who was sitting with another Slytherin boy. Regulus saw me looking at him and said something to the boy he was sitting with. Regulus must have told him to give me his seat, seeing as the boy got up with a disgruntled look on his face. I got a small wave from Regulus, his personal invitation to have me sit with him.

Then it wasn’t just charms class that I was getting that wave. In all of our classes and at meals, we sat side by side. I still didn’t talk much at all during those first few weeks of school. I was petrified of my housemates and regularly harassed by the girls in my dorm, and I was still chasing after my brother desperately. I’d follow James down hallways, embarrassingly beg for his forgiveness, just to be dismissed by him over and over again. I was so hurt by the abandonment of James. I let it completely deflate me, and depression enveloped me. Which sounds so melodramatic, but there’s no other way to describe it. I was a shell of myself, everyday I felt like a wax doll going through the motions but not feeling or enjoying anything.

I felt completely alone, except for the gray eyed boy who kept choosing to sit with me. Regulus kept the conversation between us polite and surface level in those early days, never prying. Some days I didn’t even speak back to him, lost in my own head. I could barely function. I struggled in my classes, unable to focus on learning magic like my classmates. I was too busy reeling from the indifference of my brother. Regardless, Regulus was still always there sitting next to me, letting me borrow his quills and making jokes that could bring the occasional smile to my face. I can’t imagine I was very fun to be around during those early days, but there Regulus was, always trying, always around.

After getting a particularly bad grade on a potions essay, Regulus finally decided to make the leap beyond small talk.

_ “I can help you with your homework, you know. I know you’re going through a lot right now.” _

I broke down to Regulus, relieved that someone finally was extending a helping hand while I was drowning in the pits of grief and frustration. I told him everything that day between watery sobs, cried to him for what felt like hours about how I couldn’t believe James had decided he  _ hated _ me. Regulus confided in me that his relationship with his brother, Sirius, was strained too. He told me how close they used to be growing up, and how it all changed when Sirius went away to school. That Sirius had become difficult to get along with, like he wanted nothing to do with Regulus or even their parents. Right then, I knew how lucky I was to have found the one person in the world who could understand what I was feeling. 

From that point on, Regulus and I became inseparable. Beyond classes and meals, we spent what felt like every waking hour together. All of our free periods and weekends became time we shared. Regulus began forcing me out of my bed and made me start doing things with him. He helped me with my schoolwork, he took me for walks around the lake, showed me where the kitchens were and introduced me to the house elves. Regulus was determined to make me human again. I don’t think I’ll ever stop owing him for being so relentless in putting me back together.

Our friendship forged in the crucible of our broken relationships with our brothers. We bonded quickly over that common thread, venting our frustrations of growing up with “perfect” brothers who our parents adored. “Perfect” brothers who had no tolerance for those who differed from them, who bullied others mercilessly. The veneers of younger sibling adoration crumbled as Regulus and I watched James and Sirius act like the arrogant gits they are.

As Regulus and I spent more and more time together, our conversations moved beyond complaining about our brothers. We discovered the similarities of our upbringings. Both of us had parents that adored our older brothers. James and Sirius were always commanding the spotlight, even before they came to Hogwarts. Regulus and I had lived such parallel childhoods, always feeling as if we were living in their shadows, but loving them unconditionally. Always hoping to be the one they shared their spotlight with. Both of our parents showered their oldest sons with praise, leaving Regulus and I with bars that felt like they were set impossibly high. I told Regulus how I felt that my father loved James more, but at least my mother tried. Regulus told me how his mother always favored Sirius, but at least his father provided Regulus with the warmth that Walburga did not. 

Of course, things changed in Regulus’ family dynamic while mine stayed relatively the same. I continued to be the outcast. A strained relationship with my mother, growing indifference from my father, and endless hostility from James. As Sirius proved himself to be the black sheep of his family, Regulus’ life changed. Drastically. He went from being the forgotten about second born to his parent’s new obsession. Especially his mother. She became obsessed with Regulus’ every move, every breath after Sirius decided to estrange himself. 

_ “I suppose you have to be the favorite son when you’re the only one left.”  _ Regulus would joke, but I knew he was overwhelmed by the new micromanagement of his life. He took it in stride, letting his mom fuss over him and bending to her will. Even when he didn’t want to. 

_ “Why do you let her do all of this? You have the upper hand here. You could threaten to leave too and what would she have left?” _ I would say to him.

_ “Spoken like a true Slytherin, Jade. I couldn’t do that to her. She’s a lot to deal with but she’s my mother. If I ever even implied that I was leaving her too, it would kill her. Sirius was always her favorite, her most prized possession. Losing him destroyed her. I can’t add to her grief, she’s my family.”  _ I remember Regulus saying. I knew then Regulus was a better person than me. I was okay with letting the divide between myself and my family grow, meanwhile Regulus was trying to be the glue to bring his family back together after Sirius had torn them apart.

Our school years went on, Regulus and I becoming closer and closer as we grew further and further from our biological siblings. Regulus and Sirius have rarely spoken in all of their time together at Hogwarts. Regulus isn’t one to chase someone down to let them know they’ve upset them, not like how I will. Regulus’ hurt, and his anger, are cold and silent. Only coming out in pointed, thought out remarks that are said in such an even and emotionless tone that it chills you to the bone. James and I continued to have our arguments, in sharp contrast to the frigid and controlled interactions between Regulus and Sirius. Shouting matches in corridors, loud and public fights. Both of our emotions on display for everyone to see. The Potter temperament is a strong genetic component.

Regulus was always there for every fall out, ready to put me back together after I allowed James to break me once again. Always there when I slip back into that wax doll like existence, feeling like a dead girl walking, barely going through the motion. Always resurrecting and reanimating me. Every time, it was always him. Never anyone else. Just Regulus.

Even now, as a much more adjusted person, I still need Regulus to guide me through processing my emotions in a healthy way. It was Regulus just this year, flask of fire whiskey in hand on the roof, who encouraged me to find my closure with James within myself.

I don’t know if soulmates exist. If there’s a predestined person we are meant to have in our life, who we are supernaturally tied to. That seems like a far stretch of belief, even for someone who performs literal magic. Maybe it’s fate that brings people into our lives, but I do think it is up to our own decision making and efforts to keep them there. 

Which leads us to now. Me, sitting in the library with a potions essay in front of me that has barely been started, because I’m trying to figure out what on earth Regulus could be keeping from me. 

_ “Ah, well, Black is probably too busy with other obligations.”  _ Evan Rosier’s words continue to ring in my ears, along with Regulus’ dismissal of them when I brought it up to him. I knew he wasn’t being completely truthful. I don’t have any ground to stand on with that claim, other than I  _ just knew _ . The tone of his voice was off just enough, his gray eyes looked away for just a split second, and I knew. I knew there was something he wasn’t telling me, which unsettles me, because we tell each other everything.

Or do we? Did I set the precedent of withholding information? I didn’t tell him about all of my detentions with Sirius. The quick witted banter that took place between us, the permanent blush that settled on my face whenever Sirius spoke to me. I didn’t tell Regulus how interacting with his brother for a week left me flustered and confused. I certainly didn’t tell Regulus about the time Sirius and I nearly kissed, how Sirius’ hand lingered on mine for entirely too long for it to be accidental.

Why didn’t I tell Regulus about those things? Because I knew they would hurt him, and I knew they were ultimately meaningless. It was simply a week long thrill of Sirius Black flirting with me, and my idiot brain not being used to any boys flirting with me, let alone someone that looks like Sirius. Sirius and I haven’t spoken since the almost kiss. Him transfiguring me into a dog was a nice reminder that him and I were never even close to being friends, that he is still an antagonist at best in my life. 

So maybe Regulus isn’t telling me about whatever Rosier mentioned because it is inconsequential. Something that could upset me that in the end, will not matter. I’m sure Regulus could tell I was keeping  _ something _ from him during those detentions with Sirius. If I noticed Regulus was lying, there’s no way he didn’t notice I was. I am much worse at lying than Regulus is, and Regulus is much better at reading people than I am. If he did notice, he chose to not push the subject. He respected my privacy and trusted my judgement. I should offer him the same, shouldn’t I? It stings a bit, that he’s not telling me everything, but I have to remind myself that this is about him and not me. I have to remind myself that I need to trust his judgement as much as he trusts mine. Because of course I trust him. I trust him more than anyone else. Regulus has never led me astray before, why would he now?

I need to get out of my own head about it. Regulus is my best friend, my only friend, and I need to trust that whatever he’s dealing with now isn’t significant. I also need to finish this potions essay so Slughorn doesn’t kick me out of his class. I have been on thin ice ever since the whole  _ Lesley the Biting Potion _ incident.

“You’re willingly doing homework without me? Only took you six years to learn how to do that.” I look up from my essay to see my best friend grinning at me. He’s got an old, very worn looking book tucked under his arm and a devilish look on his face.

“As you can see, I’m making incredible progress,” I motion to the mostly blank parchment in front of me. “Where have you been?” I ask him. It’s obvious he’s up to  _ something _ . It’s all over his face. 

“This is top secret,” Regulus whispered, sitting down next to me and placing the book between us. I only ever see Regulus this palpably excited about quidditch. I shoot him a quizzical look, waiting for him to elaborate. “We learned about this in divination,” Regulus started, but he did not get the chance to finish.

“You and your divination mumbo jumbo!” I throw my hands up. “I am so behind in potions, Reg! Slughorn is going to have my head if this essay isn’t good! And you’re here trying to waste my time with fake magic!”

“Will you let me finish?” Regulus says impatiently, flipping through the book. I watch him skim past pages of star charts and palm diagrams. “We learned about soulmates last week in class.”

“Oh? You believe in that?” I respond, my attention now caught. It’s always been a mystery to me that Regulus enjoyed divination so much. He can never give me a good answer for why he continues to study it, just that he is fascinated by it.

“I don’t know, I try to keep an open mind about these things though,” Regulus replied, continuing to search his book for the page he needs. “We learned about how different cultures view soulmates, how they think they work. It’s a very divine idea, right?”

“You know I’m skeptical about these things,” I wave my hand, motioning to the book sitting between us. “A soulmate seems like a far stretch of the imagination. The person you’re supposed to marry is already determined for you? Shouldn’t you get a choice for something like that?”

“A soulmate doesn’t have to be romantic, it can be platonic” Regulus says casually, finally finding the page he was looking for. “A soulmate is just someone you’re meant to have in your life, that is supposed to be there. Someone who makes you the best  _ you _ that you can be.”

“Do you think you have a soulmate?” I ask him.

“Yeah, you,” Regulus says with no hesitation, almost sounding surprised that I even had to ask. I smile at him, softening to the idea of his divination bullshit.

“You’re trying to butter me up,” I say with a small laugh. He looks up from his book and smiles at me. “So what is your plan here, Reg?”

“In chinese folklore, they say that your soulmate is tied to you by a string. It’s an invisible string, and it can become tangled or stretched, but you’ll always be tied to each other. You’ll always find your way back to each other,” Regulus explains.

“Was it this invisible string that made you say something to me when I started going the wrong way to the common room on our very first night here?” I ask him, both of us smiling warmly at the memory.

“Possibly!” Reg says, becoming more excited. “I’ve become...a little obsessed with this invisible string idea. It really resonates with me, I can’t explain why. I began reading everything I could when I stumbled across this,” he motions to the open page in front of us. “Even if you don’t fully believe in the idea of the invisible string, you can enchant your own between two people.” 

“Really?” I ask, my eyes widening. 

“Well, you know how these things are. There’s a catch,” Regulus replied.

“Of course there is,” I roll my eyes. There’s  _ always _ a catch for divination based magic. A catch that will guarantee that whatever you’re doing  _ won’t work. _

“Both people have to truly believe that the other is their soulmate, they have to both love each other wholly” Reg looks at me, his gray eyes locked with mine.

“I still don’t know if I even believe in soulmates,” I say, and I can see him start to deflate. “But I suppose if they are real, I don’t doubt that you’re mine.” I do mean that. No one else even comes to mind when I think about the idea of there being someone that is  _ meant _ to be in my life.

“Good enough for me!” Regulus says excitedly, and begins rummaging around in his bag. He pulls out a red silk string and lays it on the open book. “This is real chinese silk. I’ve been absurdly busy trying to hunt this down.”

I feel myself fully relax at these words. This must be what Rosier was talking about when he said Regulus was busy with  _ other things _ .

“We have to tie it around our left ring fingers,” Regulus says, looping the red silk around my finger.

“I thought you said this wasn’t romantic,” I say teasingly.

“Oh hush. We have to follow the enchantment exactly or else it won’t work,” Reg dismisses my comment, and I tie his end of the string around his ring finger. “Besides, I told you that soulmates can be  _ platonic _ ,” Regulus puts extra emphasis on the last word. “I’ll say the enchantments first, and then you’ll say them after me. They’re written on this page. Then we say the last bit together.”

We lay our left hands on the book. Regulus waves his wand with his right hand, murmuring incantations so softly that I can barely hear them. As he finishes his spell work, I see his face grimace as if he’s in pain. He looks up at me and silently says  _ it’s your turn _ . I squint at the tiny,  cramped text of the book as I clutch my wand. I begin to copy what Regulus had just done, moving my wand and whispering incantations. As I finish, I understand why Regulus looked as if he was in pain. I feel the red string tighten around my ring finger, and it feels like it is going to burn straight through my flesh to the bone. I grit my teeth through it, determined to not show anymore discomfort than Regulus had. 

_ “Quidem in morte,”  _ we say in unison, finishing the enchantment. The burning sensation from the string stops, and the silk turns from bright red to a glowing golden. I look up at Regulus, seeing his features washed in the yellow glow. He is completely enthralled with the magic we just performed. As quickly as the string turned golden, it is back to red. 

“How do we know it worked?” I whisper to him.

“We’ll just have to wait and see. If we are always able to find our way back to each other, then we’ll know,” Regulus replied.

“But how would we know it was this enchantment and not our own free will that brought us back to each other?” I question out loud.

“Maybe it will be both,” Reg says in a soft voice.

“Do you think we’ll ever be so far apart we need an enchanted string to keep us tethered?” I whisper back at him.

“I like to think we won’t, but life is full of surprising and cruel things,” Regulus says grimly. “But I like the idea of there being extra insurance on being able to find our way back to each other if that ever does happen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you couldn't tell, I've been listening to too much Taylor Swift.


	11. War Crime of a Snog

“I  _ never _ want to hear you talk shit about it ever again, do you hear me?” I huffed as Regulus and I made our way across the lawn. “ _ Herbology _ is saving us from your nonsensical divination hocus pocus!”

“That seems a bit dramatic,” Regulus replied between heavy breaths. We were walking as quickly as we could towards the greenhouse, as it would soon be after hours. 

“Dramatic! YOU want to talk about being dramatic! You’re the one who insisted on  _ binding us forever _ with phantasmal magic you found in a freaking million year old divination textbook. Magic that left us both maimed!” I said sharply, flinging the greenhouse door open.

“Maimed? Now you’re definitely being dramatic.” I have my back turned to Regulus, but I can practically hear him rolling his eyes. “It’s just a simple burn.”

Regulus, who for unknown reasons has a very large soft spot for the crackpot branch of magic that is divination, had decided we should perform an invisible string enchantment. We don’t even have any way of knowing if it actually worked. All we do know is that both of us have deep, ugly blisters on our left ring fingers from where the string we enchanted had burned us.

“These are bad burns, Reg! That we got in the name of divination, for Merlin’s sake!” I said testily, and began looking through the plants for the one I needed.

“I thought it was  _ sentimental,” _ Regulus said defeatedly. 

“You know us Slytherins! The most sentimental lot in this castle!” I continued to rifle through the plants until finally coming across the one I had been searching for. I picked up a pot containing a plant with short, dark green leaves and medium sized orange blossoms with petals packed tightly together. 

“What is that?” Regulus asked carefully as I carried the pot over to a workstation. I can tell he’s trying to not insite me anymore than I already am.

“Candleluna blossoms,” I answered. “When the petals are macerated into a paste, it can heal most burns.”

“Thank goodness you’re so good at digging around in the dirt,” Regulus said, testing the waters with a joke. 

“One of us has to be.” I finally gave him a smile, breaking the tension.

“I’ll only tease you about gardening class minimally from now on,” Regulus said with a laugh. I began crushing the petals in a mortar, the herbal fragrance filling the air. “This smells a lot better than the perfumes and rotting tea leaves stench of poppycock magic.”

“It makes me feel better to hear you rag on divination,” I said, breaking into laughter. 

“The least I could do after nearly  _ maiming  _ your finger,” Regulus replied, mocking my earlier dramatization. I finished crushing the petals, and smeared the orange paste onto my burned finger. I felt instant relief as the plant began to heal the burn.

“Give me your hand,” I instructed Regulus, who obliged. I applied the paste to his ring finger and I watched the relief flood his face as his eyes fluttered closed. An involuntary sigh of relief escaped his mouth. “Merlin, Reg. Sounds like you’re getting sucked off over there,” I said cheekily.

“Are you offering?” Regulus opened his eyes and gave me a wiggle of his eyebrows. We both dissolved into laughter, the kind so deep you feel it in the pit of your stomach and your cheeks ache from smiling. 

Suddenly, the greenhouse door swung open with a loud clatter, causing both Regulus and I to fall immediately silent. Panic filled me instantly. We had been in the greenhouse for awhile, and it was nearly after hours when we started walking out here. How would I explain to a teacher that we were out after hours, stealing plants from the green house, to heal burns that we had inflicted upon ourselves while performing what seemed to be the divination equivalent of an unbreakable vow? A spell that is probably wildly illegal for underage students to be performing!

“Oh,  _ Sirius,” _ a breathy moan filled the greenhouse. That’s definitely  _ not  _ a teacher. Unless McGonagall is now suddenly a leggy blonde and is also having an affair with a student. Regulus and I looked to each other in stunned silence as Sirius and the blonde girl violated each other’s mouths with their tongues. It was so wet you could hear it. They were completely oblivious to our presence, too busy trying to taste each other's tonsils. It was revolting. Who even is this blonde girl? I’ve never seen her around Srius a day in my life. Not that I’m paying attention to the girls I see around Sirius. Why are they snogging so  _ violently? _ Why couldn’t I look away? As Sirius’ hands began to slip up the back of her shirt, I could taste the jealousy bubble up in the back of my throat like bile.

“Bluuugh,” the retching sound came out of my mouth involuntarily. I heard Regulus stifle a laugh next to me. Sirius’ eyes locked with mine, first full of surprise, followed by irritation. Then the yelling began.

“What are you two doing in here!” Sirius demanded, hiis brow furrowed together. He looked angry to have been interrupted.

“You’re the one interrupting us! Leave!” I felt the anger suddenly fill me, my yelling matching Sirius’ voice.

“You shouldn’t be in here, it’s after hours!” He yelled back. He’s so unbelievably  _ stupid,  _ oh my god. The blonde girl, whose name I still don’t know, looked at us dumbly. Seeing her stare at me made me even angrier.

“Same goes for you, you fucking doorknob!” I don’t even know  _ why _ I was so angry. But I was. And I kept yelling. “Take your bimbo of the week and leave us alone!”

“She’s not a bimbo!” Sirius yelled back, tightening his arm around the girl, causing my blood to reach a boiling point. I’ve seen Sirius with a million and one different girls hanging all over him, why was  _ this _ one making me so irate? “I liked you better when you were transfigured into the bitch you are,” Sirius spat.

Regulus must have cast the spell silently, or maybe I just didn’t hear him cast it over my screaming of obscenities. Sirius and the blonde were now surrounded by bat shaped boogeys. They both began yelling, trying to swat them away. 

“If you ever call her that again it’ll be much worse than enchanted snot,” Regulus threatened. “Let’s go, Jade. We’re making a racket and I’m sure a teacher has heard us by now.” Regulus grabbed my arm and steered me out of the greenhouse, moving quickly.We half jogged to the castle in silence, hoping we wouldn’t be caught being out after hours on the grounds. We managed to make it down to the dungeons without being seen, both huffing from our brisk escape from the noisy greenhouse. 

“You were exceptionally angry,” Regulus finally broke the silence as we walked into the common room. He was looking at me with his eyebrows raised curiously. I  _ was _ exceptionally angry, and it took me by surprise. 

“I’ve always been a bit of a hot head,” I joked, trying to soften the conversation. Did I really  _ want _ to have the conversation of  _ “It made me so angry to see your brother kissing another girl that I wanted to strangle them both” _ with Regulus? “ _ You’re _ the one who hexed them,” I said, trying to deflect the conversation.

“Anyone who calls you something foul like that deserves to be hexed,” Regulus said with a shrug.

“You call me a bitch all of the time!” I cracked a smile at him, feeling some of the tension from earlier start to soften.

“That’s different. I have earned  _ the right _ ,” Regulus gave a cheeky grin as he sat down in a high backed armchair, letting his body slouch into the leather. “ _ Why _ were you so angry though? I haven’t seen you like that since the big fights you used to have with James,” Regulus pressed on.

“I’m still a bit sore from the whole puppy transfiguration bit,” I replied, tucking my legs underneath me in the armchair adjacent to Regulus. That wasn’t why I was so angry, but I suppose it’s believable enough.

“Understandable,” Regulus said with a shrug. “We really need to think of something to get back at our imbecile brothers for that.”

“How can I think of revenge when I’m still reeling from witnessing that war crime of a snog?” I said without thinking, the revulsion clear in my voice. Or maybe it was envy.

“Thought he was biting that poor girl’s face off,” Regulus said shaking his head, seemingly not picking up on jealousy I felt I was radiating.

“Biting….that’s it, Reg!” The idea came to me at once. “We should make another Lesley!” I sat straight up in my chair, excitement now becoming my primary emotion. Regulus’ mind must have not been on the same page, as he only looked confused.

“Are you implying we conceive a  _ child _ ?” Regulus knit his brow together. “I don’t really see how that’s imparting revenge, Jade….wouldn’t that just be a wild inconvenience? Your dad would kill me! My  _ mother _ would kill me!” 

I smacked Reg on the shoulder with the back of my hand as I laughed so hard I thought I might vomit. “REGGIE. NO. We’re not making a child for fuck’s sake. A  _ potion _ . Remember my potion Lesley? The one that bit Slughorn?”

“OH.” Regulus let out a relieved laugh, making me laugh even more. “Yeah I remember that. Glad it’s a potion and not a child, I’m not ready to be a dad. You want to make Lesley and then do what with it?”

“Set it loose on Sirius and James! I can disillusion myself and sneak into their dorm again,” I gave him a devilish grin. “Let’s make it tonight!” I was nearly bouncing up and down on my chair.

“Slow down there, Miss. Retribution. Haven’t we had enough excitement for one night?” Regulus wiggled his left ring finger at me. The candleluna paste had helped shrink the blisters, but the skin still looked tender. I looked down at my own hand and my finger looked the same. “Besides, we cannot risk getting in trouble, we have our first quidditch match in two days and we cannot afford to have our seeker  _ and _ our best beater suspended from playing!”

“Fine, fine. You’re right,” I slumped back into the chair, feeling deflated but understanding why Regulus wanted to wait. “I’m the best beater on the team, huh? Did you let Xavier Stenhouse know he’s only the second best beater on the team? Or I suppose you could say he’s the  _ worst  _ beater on the team,” I looked over at Regulus and gave him a sly grin.

“Don’t let it go to your head, Potter,” Regulus said with an eye roll. “There’s already enough ego on the team with Sebastiano Pacheco, I don’t need  _ you _ being insufferable too.”

“Oh come on, Sebastiano isn’t that bad,” I said, defending the chaser on our team.

“You only say that because he’s got a fat crush on you,” Regulus shook his head and wrinkled his nose.

“Sod off, he does not,” I shot back.

“He spends all of practice trying to flirt with you. Which it’s quite funny to watch because it’s like watching someone try to flirt with a cement wall.” Was I really that oblivious to those around me?   


“Okay, if you’re just going to insult me then I am going to bed,” I said with a huff, standing up out of my chair. I ruffled the top of Regulus’ hair affectionately before heading off to my dormitory.

I laid there under my sheets, but I struggled to find sleep. My head was swimming with things I didn’t want to think about. Namely, Sirius Black. All I could think about was him kissing that blonde girl, his hand starting to go up her shirt. When I would close my eyes it was even worse, as I would start to think about the two of us in the supply cupboard. My imagination would fill in the blanks, picking up where we had left off. Would he have kissed me like he kissed that girl? What would his hand have felt like as it slid up the back of my shirt? I suppose I’ll never get to know.


	12. Baby's First Quidditch Match, Bad Decisions Included

Golden morning light washed across the lawn as I made my way towards my favorite tree. It was the morning of my first quidditch match, and my stomach was swimming with nerves. Practice had been going well, the team worked well together, and we had no obvious weak spots. The captain himself, Regulus, said this is the best the team has looked in years. Today would be the real testament to that in our season opening match against Gryffindor. Because of course it’s against Gryffindor. I swear this school chooses these things on purpose for  _ the drama _ .

“I don’t understand how you wake up this early every single day. You are a mad woman.” Regulus said to me as I approached the tree. He had beaten me out here, and was sitting in the grass with a thermos of tea. It came as a pleasant surprise, Regulus seldom joins me for my sunrise ritual.

“I wouldn’t give me that much credit. I have my fair share of days where I sleep past the sunrise,” I replied with a shrug, finding a seat next to him in the lightly dewed grass. He passed me the thermos of tea and I took a sip. Earl grey with cream and no sugar. My favorite. “You’re always reading my mind,” I said to him.

“Figured you would be nervous and could use some company.” He gave me a small smile, and looked out across the still lake that reflected the yellow sun rays. “I was too nervous to sleep too,” he added.

“Really?” I asked. Regulus has been playing quidditch since his second year. He’s a born natural. He is at his most confident when out on his broomstick, so it was reassuring to hear he was nervous as well.

“Of course. The first match is always a special kind of nervous,” Regulus said with fondness in his voice. “I’m excited too, though. I’m ready to win it all this year, and it starts with beating Gryffindor’s sorry arses today.”

I took another sip of tea, my nerves feeling better with Regulus’ words, but I still felt jittery. We sat in comfortable silence, passing the thermos of tea back and forth between us. 

“You should eat something,” Regulus said, rummaging around in his bag.

“Stomach is way too nervous, I’ll vomit all over the place,” I replied. It was true. The further the sun rose in the sky, the closer we got to the match, and the more nervous I became. Who did I even think I am? I can’t play quidditch! That’s James’ thing! Not mine! I’m some big imposter, thinking I can just stroll out there with the team, as if I would even have a place on the team if my best friend wasn’t the captain!

“You’ll vomit all over the place and pass out on your broomstick if you don’t eat, Jade,” Regulus prodded my shoulder, a cranberry scone in hand. “Your anxiety is all over your face. Eat and try to keep a clear head. You’re going to do great today,” he said reassuringly.

“It’s alarming how well you can read my mind. Seriously,” I said with a tentative bite of scone.

“I’ve had six years to perfect the art,” Regulus replied with a grin. “Eat up, my secret weapon needs all of her strength today.”

“Secret weapon?” I raised my eyebrows curiously.

“We’ve kept it very hush hush that you’re on the team, and we’ve been spreading rumors that you tag along to quidditch practice to hang out with me and bat your eyelashes at Sebastiano,” Regulus said nonchalantly.

“EXCUSE ME. I go to quidditch practice to do  _ what?  _ I’m not batting my eyelashes at anyone!” I said defensively.

“ _ I  _ know that, but the Gryffindor quidditch team doesn’t know that. I think it’ll come as a real shock to them, especially your brother, that you’re on the team. Could throw them off their game,” Regulus explained his strategy. I don’t love the idea that there’s rumors going around that I’m fawning over Sebastiano Pacheco, but I can see how the element of surprise could give us an edge.

“Whatever you say, Captain Reggie,” I said with a small, teasing grin as Regulus wrinkled his nose at the nickname he begrudged so much.

“Speaking of the pretty boy, a  _ real _ rumor has it that he’s going to try and make a move on you if we win this match,” Regulus wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“How many times do I have to tell you, Reg? I’m not interested in Sebastiano,” I said with a deep sigh.

“You have to tell him that,” Regulus replied.

-x-

We sat huddled in the locker room, Regulus giving us the final rundown of his gameplan. 

“My inside sources have told me there has been some last minute changes to the Gryffindor roster,” Regulus said seriously. This piqued everyone’s interest as the team began murmuring, trying to figure out what could have changed. Regulus cleared his throat to regain our attention. “One of their beaters and one of their chasers have been suspended from this game as disciplinary action.”

“Who is it? What did they do?” Sebastiano verbalized the questions we were all thinking.

“My thick skulled brother and their new chaser, a fifth year named Cassidy Russell,” Regulus said with a shake of his head. “They were found in the greenhouse after hours two days ago.” Regulus shot me a knowing look, and I felt my chest constrict. The blonde girl that Sirius was kissing is named Cassidy? She’s on the Gryffindor quidditch team? She’s a  _ fifth year? _ Sirius was feeling up a fucking  _ fifteen year old _ . I felt like I was going to vomit all over my shoes. 

“Their last minute roster substitutions can’t be well practiced, we should crush them,” My fellow beater, Xavier Stenhouse, chimed in.

“Xavier is right. They won’t have the same chemistry that our team does. We are going to crush their pathetic arses!” Regulus said determidley, the team cheering in response. I took a deep breath and forced myself to put all thoughts of Sirius (and the blonde who I now know is named Cassidy) out of my head. I don’t have the headspace to be concerned about this right now, the only things I’m going to allow myself to focus on are breathing and quidditch.

I squinted as I left the locker room and walked onto the pitch. It was the first day of October and exceptionally sunny. The stadium roared with cheers, and a healthy amount of boos. I knew the boos were for us. They’re always for the Slytherin team. It really adds to the melodrama of it all. As we approached the Gryffindor team at center field, I watched my brother’s jaw go slack at the sight of me. I grinned, and looked over at Regulus to see him beaming too. The stupid rumors must have worked. James had no idea I was on the team.

“Didn’t think you still knew what a broomstick was,” James sneered at me as the teams approached one another. I clutched my broomstick so hard my knuckles turned white. I felt a familiar hand clasp my shoulder, and I looked up at Regulus who gave me a tight lipped shake of his head. I knew this was his way of saying  _ “do not interact.”  _ I bit my tongue to keep myself from snapping back at James, regardless of how much my instincts wanted me to. I knew Regulus had the right idea. Best to not let my brother get into my head.

James and Regulus, the team captains, shook hands. Both had a stony face, and as the whistle blew I kicked off the ground and began playing my very quidditch match.

"And they're off, Gryffindor in possession of the quaffle." I scanned the pitch with the sun in my eyes, searching for the bludgers. I soon saw one come flying towards me. I hit it towards the Gryffindor chaser Kelsey Marino, who had the quaffle. I got the job done, because the bludger buzzed by her face so fast it made her jump. She dropped the quaffle and Sebastiano caught it quickly, heading towards the other end of the pitch. "And Slytherin now in possession with a nice hit from Potter." It felt so strange to hear the name Potter announced across the Quidditch pitch, knowing it was in regards for me, Jade Potter, and not my brother. I heard the silver and green crowd erupt in cheers after my big hit, and I immediately felt pride swell in my chest. Is this how James felt, all these years playing Quidditch? No wonder his head is so big, all of these endorphins from adoring fans feel bloody FANTASTIC.

The game wore on, and it became apparent to everyone that we were much more practiced than the Gryffindor team, as our chasers established us a lead of 50 points. Xavier and I worked in well oiled tandem, as if we had been beating bludgers together since we were in diapers. I sent a bludger whizzing dangerously close to the back of James' head. 

_ "Remember. Everyone expects us to and will accuse us of playing dirty regardless of what we do. So we may as well do it,"  _ the not so sportsman like voice of Regulus in my subconscious reminded me as James whipped around to shoot me daggers. 

"I'd expect a cheap shot like that from a snake like you," James shouted venomously. Normally his insults would irritate me and put me in a sour mood. Not today, not while I was playing quidditch. I felt invincible on my broomstick, and his words fueled me to play even harder. 

The midday sun continued to beat down on us, and I could feel that the bridge of my nose was turning an unattractive shade of sunburnt pink. Twice the snitch had nearly been caught, but to no avail. Gryffindor had shortened the lead to a measly ten points and I was growing anxious. What if they pulled ahead? I spotted a bludger speeding towards one of our chasers, Ewen Fleming, who was extremely unaware of the imminent threat pelting towards him. I shouted after him, but my voice was lost in the sound of the restless crowd. I began flying with rapid speed towards him, desperate to get to the bludger before it could hit him. In the knick of time, I got myself directly in the path of the bludger and cracked my bat against it with no regard to what direction I was sending it. All I was concerned about was keeping Ewen from getting knocked clean off his broom. 

Perhaps I should have been paying more attention as to where I was swinging, as I had hit the Gryffindor seeker, Mary MacDonald, square in the chest with the bludger, sending her off of her broom. Congratulatory shouts of "nice hit, Jade!" from my teammates were met with outraged yells of "foul play!" by the opposing team. I was too busy watching Regulus to pay attention to either. My hit had come with perfect timing, as Regulus had spotted the snitch. He streaked across the pitch towards our goal posts, securing the snitch in his palm with ease. The whistle blew, signaling the end of the match. The stadium erupted in boos, save for the Slytherin section. The booing made it that much sweeter. 

We all raced to the ground, running towards Regulus. I ran straight into his arms, and his embrace included picking me up off of the ground and spinning in circles. I kept my arms wrapped tightly around his neck as he spun us around and around. 

"You were incredible, absolutely brilliant!" He yelled as our teammates mobbed around us in celebration. I know there wasn't confetti, but man, it sure felt like there should have been.

"This feels like the best day of my life!" I screamed into the cheering. I felt Regulus' arms tighten even more around me as my body filled with unadulterated joy. As we made our way off the pitch, everything felt like a dream. 

"Welcome to the world of being good at quidditch, Jade. I knew you would be a natural," Regulus said to me as he finally dropped me back to the ground, letting our celebratory embrace end. He looked down at me, smiling from ear to ear. 

"Party in the common room tonight!" Regulus yelled in his captains voice over the hubbub, his last command to his teammates for the day.

-x-

My housemates and I have never gotten along. Turns out, all you have to do is be a pivotal player in a winning quidditch match and they will all like you. Also turns out, if you get them drunk after said winning match, they will all  _ love  _ you. Before tonight, I could count on one hand the amount of Slytherins that I had had a conversation with. Now, I couldn't tell you how many people were now suddenly very interested in being my friend. 

The Slytherin common room was bumping, music playing loudly and bootlegged alcohol flowing freely. It sure is nice being in a house that has a great amount spoiled, rich kids that have parents that will do anything to appease them. It was the first time in three years we had beaten Gryffindor, and everyone appeared to be on cloud nine. I looked across the room at Regulus as first and second year girls fawned over him. He shot me a desperate look of  _ "please help me" _ and I made my way through the crowd to him. 

"Excuse me ladies," I slurred my words ever so slightly as I approached Regulus. I was a little tipsy. Maybe moderately drunk. I don't know. I was certainly drunk on how inflated my ego felt. "While he appreciates his groupies, it is  _ my  _ turn with the captain." The girls grumpily stalked away as Regulus shook his head at me, the ear to ear grin from earlier still on his face. 

"You are so embarrassing," Regulus said as he put an arm around my shoulder. "And you're double fisting it, I see." He motioned to the drinks in each of my hands. 

"I believe what you meant to say was  _ thank you for rescuing me from childish conversations with prepubescent girls. _ " I said with an eye roll. "I also see you're not drinking anything and that is unacceptable. Take this one." I handed him the glass of firewhiskey, leaving me with a glass of golden liquor that I had been told was tequila. I had never had tequila before, and it kind of tasted like death, but I couldn't seem to stop drinking it.

"Trying to get me as drunk as you, yeah?" Regulus laughed, taking a long sip of his drink. "Looks like you're everyone's newest fascination. I've gotten a million questions about you."

"It all feels surreal. I don't even know who these people are. I know I've lived with them for six years but seriously. Who the hell even are these people? They're all talking to me and asking questions about my life like they even give a shit who I am. No one was ever nice to me before I nearly cracked Mary MacDonald's sternum," I said to him, explaining how my new found adoration from others felt jarring. 

"Listen, Jade. People like you now because you're good at quidditch, it's quite simple. You can either be annoyed by it, or you can embrace it. Who cares if it's superficial? We've only got two more years left in this place. May as well make the most of it, don't you agree? Enjoy what's happening. What's the point in ruining it for yourself?" Regulus replied. Normally I would try to argue with him, because I  _ do _ love ruining things for myself, but I was drunk and happy and maybe he was right. Maybe I should stop questioning the ulterior motives of everyone around me and just start enjoying things.

"Shots? Shots anyone?" I heard Ewen call out as he headed our way with a tray full of tiny cups of tequila. 

"Over here, Ewen!" I called back. I grabbed two glasses off the tray and handed one to Regulus. "Fuck it, Reg, you're right. I'm done being a downer about everything. It's time to start being the quidditch prodigy, popular and talked about Potter I am supposed to be." I held up my shot glass to him.

"To finally fulfilling your birthright," Regulus said with a laugh, clinking his glass against mine. We downed our liquor in one swift gulp. The alcohol warmed me from my throat to my whole body, and the night started to turn into a blur. Regulus stayed glued by my side as a rotating cast of our housemates approached us to congratulate us on the big win. Regulus handled a bulk of the socializing, schmoozing easily with the likes of Malcolm Mulciber, Evan Rosier, and his cousin Narcissa. It still felt tense to be in these people's presence, people who I knew valued blood status above all else. The buzz from the alcohol certainly softened my disdain for them, and made them even seem palatable. Regulus made it look so easy too, how quickly he was able to blend in with them. I nodded my head along and threw out quick witted quips when I could. Everyone seemed receptive, when a month ago my presence would have just annoyed them. It felt nice to  _ belong, _ even if it was with people I don't care for. Besides, Regulus was right, wasn't he? I should just enjoy this all for what it is, even if it is superficial. 

So I did. I made more jokes, got more laughs, rubbed more elbows with my slimey housemates. I let people fawn over me, I let people ask a million questions that I didn't care about. None of it mattered to me, but Regulus, my best friend, was here by my side and we felt like the most unstoppable duo of all time.

I was too many shots of tequila deep, and my attention span was growing shorter. I was losing interest fast in the conversations Regulus was entertaining. My mind was beginning to wander to thoughts I knew I shouldn't be having. Thoughts about the train compartment, thoughts about the supply cupboard, thoughts about the greenhouse, thoughts about all of the places I kept ending up in with Sirius. My avalanche of thoughts was then interrupted by a loud, deep voice.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to propose a toast," Sebastiano Pacheco was now standing on top of a coffee table, shouting over the roar of the party. The room fell quiet as attention turned to Sebastiano. "A toast to all of my teammates today for their hard work, especially to our captain, Regulus Black. I know this man will finally lead us to victory this year, I feel it in the air. Also a toast to our newest, and prettiest member, Jade Potter. That hit on MacDonald was legendary," Sebastiano said with a flirtatious grin. I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment, and I ducked my head to avoid his gaze. "Finally, a toast to Sirius Black, for managing to get himself and his teammate suspended from the game all because he tried to throw it in a fifteen year old inside of the greenhouse."

The common room around me roared with laughter and cheers, but I felt jealousy start to bubble in the pit of my stomach. I downed the rest of my drink and grabbed the half finished whiskey out of Regulus' hand and finished that as well, in hopes that the alcohol would quell the envy that was brewing inside of me. Sebastiano's mention of the Sirius in the greenhouse  _ with that blonde girl  _ (Named Cassidy! What a stupid name! A punchable name!) was going to send me over the edge and straight into the same place I was when I was crying about Sirius freaking Black to a poor, unsuspecting house elf. Or maybe all of the booze I had ingested was going to do that to me. 

"Slow down there, mad woman. You're going to make yourself sick," Regulus grabbed the empty cup from me and examined it with his own glazed over eyes.

"You're one to talk, Aquarius," I slurred at Regulus. "We’re both in the bag, you’ve had nearly as much to drink as I have.”

“How many times do I have to tell you? Aquarius isn’t my name, it’s my  _ middle _ name,” Regulus threw his hands up in faux exasperation, sending me into a fit of giggles. “We may have had the same amount to drink, but I am twice your size, itty bitty Jade,” he said as he ruffled my hair in a patronizing way.

“You’re sure you two aren’t together?” Sebastiano had taken a seat in an armchair across from the couch Regulus and I were currently situated on. 

“Pacheco, we’ve been through this,” Regulus gave a deep sigh. “Absolutely not. It would be  _ incestuous _ .”

“Yeah,  _ incestuous _ ,” I chimed in, mocking Regulus’ proper tone. “Other than that time I had a fat crush on Reg in our third year, we’ve only ever been strictly best friends.” That was true. My third year had consisted of a several months long crisis about if I fancied my best friend or not. It even included some very embarrassing attempts at flirting with Regulus, to see if we could possibly be receptive. He wasn’t, or at least not that I could tell. So of course nothing ever came of it, and I wrote it off as a one time, hormone fueled thing. Besides. I’d never want to risk ruining my friendship with Regulus by getting romantically involved with him.

I looked over at Regulus, who I expected to have some kind of sarcastic comment to add. He instead looked a bit flustered, and muttered something about needing to get another drink, leaving me and Sebastiano alone.

“It’s good to know you’re on the market then, pretty girl," Sebastiano said too flirtatiously, and I felt my already booze flushed face turn an even more embarrassed shade of red. He sat down in Regulus’ now empty seat and put an arm around my shoulders. I immediately wanted to peel it off of me, but I was too drunk to operate my arms the way I wanted to.

“I suppose…” I trailed off, now looking for Regulus, looking for my escape.

“Why don’t you let me take out sometime? We could go to Hogsmeade together, I’ll show you a nice time,” Sebastiano said with so much charm it made me want to vomit up all of the tequila and firewhiskey I had drunk. Sebastiano was a good looking guy. A handsome seventh year that was much taller than me, with broad shoulders and coffee brown eyes. He was nice too! He was always friendly with me at practice, and he was devilishly sauve. Why wasn’t I more excited about Sebastiano making a pass at me?

“I’m really...drunk…” I stammered out. It wasn’t an answer to his question, but I felt it was the truth. I was too intoxicated to be agreeing to dates.

“Well if that’s the case, why don’t you let me take a page out of Sirius Black’s book and let me take you out to the greenhouse?” Sebastiano raised his eyebrows suggestively and gave me a sly grin. Just like earlier with his toast, Sebastiano’s mention of Sirius Black was enough to pull me right back into my I-nearly-kissed-Sirius-Black-and-now-I-get-jealous-when-I-see-him-kissing-tall-and-beautiful-blonde-girls shame spiral. I didn’t even give Sebastiano an answer to his dirty, lewd question. I was too busy wiggling out from his arm and weaving my way through the common room and towards the exit, as fast as my 5’2” liquor leadened legs would carry me.

Once I hit the corridor, I began running. I was too drunk to know how to get where I wanted to be, but I knew I could somehow manage to get there. I kept running, determined to find him. I’d never want to risk ruining my friendship with Regulus by getting romantically involved with him, but my alcohol fueled brain had decided that I could run the risk ruining my friendship with Regulus by getting romantically involved with  _ him _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter in less than a week? And it's twice as long as usual?! How's that for an update.
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving, I hope everyone is staying safe this holiday weekend. I'll hopefully have a new update posted soon, the wheels are really starting to turn in my head for where I want to take this story :)


	13. Instant Chemistry

I don’t know who was the architect of this stupid castle, but I hope they know that if I ever meet them in the afterlife, they better be ready to fist fight. Not only are there too many stairs, they  _ fucking move _ . I’ve been in this castle for six years and I still get hopelessly lost on the regular. Now, here I am, too drunk for my own good,  _ extremely _ hopelessly lost in the corridors. I know that I know where the Gryffindor common room is, but the combination of a castle that is constantly changing and my idiot inebriated brain proved to be too big of an obstacle to overcome. I swear, I’ve walked down the same corridor three times, but I couldn’t have because now there is a door that wasn’t there before. I’m losing it, I’m telling you.

“UGH!” I let out a loud cry of frustration to no one, letting it echo off of the walls. I didn’t even care if a prefect or a teacher found me. Even though I am out after hours and it is clear that I have been partaking in underage drinking. I just wanted to find him. I wanted to see him. To talk to him. He’s been plaguing my thoughts for too long for no logical reason. We had a couple of detentions together and now suddenly I’ve been sucked into the charm of Sirius Black like every other nitwit female in this school? I need to get a grip, and I’m only going to get a grip if I talk to him. Or so the tequila I drank is telling me.

I slid down the stone wall until I was sitting on the floor, my eyelids and legs heavy and tired from a day of quidditch and a night of drinking. I was exhausted and I was an idiot, thinking I was going to talk to Sirius freaking Black  _ tonight. _ What was my plan anyway? Navigate this maze of a castle, barge into the Gryffindor tower, and march up to Sirius’ bed that is in a room he shares with my brother? I’d look like a lunatic! Actually, I wouldn’t look like a lunatic. I’d  _ be _ a lunatic.  _ “Nox,”  _ I whispered, extinguishing the light from the end of my wand. Darkness enveloped the hallway and the fatigue from the day settled over me like a blanket. Maybe I could just sleep here. That seems like a good idea. I let out a tired groan as I closed my eyes and let my head rest against the stone wall. Maybe I’ll just  _ die _ here. That might be a better alternative than returning to the Slytherin common room where I will either 

A.) Have to explain to Regulus where I ran off to and what my intentions were

Or worse

B.) See Sebastiano Pacheco, whomst I ran away from instead of answering his question of asking me out

There is also the third option of continuing on my initial journey to find Sirius and

C.) Embarrass myself by admitting to him that he has been on my mind far too much for someone who has only been nice to me for a couple days out of the past  _ six years _

Yeah, I think sitting against this wall and waiting for death seems like the best option.

“Jade?” A tentative voice whispered. My eyes were still closed, but I could see the light of a wand. I opened my eyes slowly, they were bleary from all of the alcohol. I had to blink a few times to make sure I was seeing right, because I couldn’t really believe it. By divine intervention, or maybe delivered from the devil himself, there he was standing before me. Sirius Black. Technically, there were two of him, as the tequila was now making me see double.

“H-hey,” I stammered out, still trying to let my eyes adjust to the light.

“What are you doing?” He asked, still whispering.

“Having a fucking  _ party _ . I’m  _ celebrating _ ,” I threw my arms out wide in an over dramatic way.

“Have you been drinking?” Sirius asked suspiciously. I swear he took a sniff to see if he could smell it on me.

“I’m a law abiding witch, officer,” I slurred out, giggling with the words. “I’ve never done anything illegal ever in my entire life. Underage drinking is for  _ juvenile delinquents. _ ”

“Merlin, you’re juiced. Come on, you need to get up. You can’t just stay here, you’ll get in trouble,” he said seriously. Heh. Sirius, being serious. I need to fucking go to bed.

“I can do whatever I want,” I said defiantly. To my surprise he held out a hand as a response. Against my better judgement, I reached for it. It felt like my hand sat in his for a lifetime. We had nearly held hands in the supply cupboard, among other near misses. I remember his hand gripped around my wrist, inspecting my palm for injuries from broken glass. Now, here I was, my hand in his. How small my hand looked in his large, calloused palm. 

_ “You have baby hands. Baby hands Potter. That’s what I’m going to call you.”  _ Regulus always loved to tease me for my small stature, and subsequently tiny appendages. Regulus. He’s going to kill me. He deserves to kill me. What the fuck  _ am I doing! _

“Are you ever going to get up, or are you just going to hold my hand all night?” Sirius said with the slightest hint of a laugh. Maybe I  _ had  _ been holding his hand for a lifetime. His comment was enough for me to pull my hand away and jerk myself upright. This was a mistake, as the orthostatic rush from getting up too fast, coupled with being as Sirius called it,  _ juiced, _ gave me the head rush of a lifetime. I closed my eyes to try and prevent motion sickness, and felt my feet stumble underneath me. Everything kept spinning, even with my eyes closed, and I felt my knees start to buckle. I should have hit the floor, except a pair of arms were now wrapped around my waist, keeping me from falling and cracking my skull open.

“You. Are. Wasted. Come on, Jade, you have to try and walk,” Sirius said in a bossy voice that was too similar to Regulus. It made me feel sick. I swallowed hard, determined to keep myself from vomiting. I knew I was making a mistake, but I was too drunk to do anything about it. My legs couldn’t walk on their own, I was at the mercy of my seeing eye dog, Sirius.

“I’m...s-sorry,” I groaned out, hiccuping slightly and still trying to keep myself from vomiting from guilt. I involuntarily leaned my body against Sirius’ side to use him as support, and with whatever will I had left, I was able to make my legs move. One of Sirius’ arms stayed wrapped around my waist, and I had to stop myself from reading too much into it. He’s doing it to keep you from faceplanting, Jade.

“It’s okay, I’ve had to be carried back to bed plenty of times,” Sirius said nonchalantly. Just like that, he was talking to me like I was an old friend. Like he hadn’t recently transfigured me into a dog, or even more recently been kissing  _ Cassidy the blonde _ in the greenhouse, or calling me a bitch in the greenhouse! How did I forget about that until now! What game is he playing? These thoughts rattled around in my head, but nothing left my mouth. It was too much for me to try and walk, talk,  _ and  _ not throw up at the same time. “Speaking of bed. I need you to direct me to your common room.”

“I am  _ lost _ ,” I slurred at him. “Very directionally challenged,” I tried to offer as context. Those were the only words I could manage, as my legs started to not cooperate anymore and I was stumbling again. Sirius pulled me closer to him to steady me, and I felt like I was going to implode at a moment’s notice.

“Oh great, what am I going to do with you?” Sirius stopped walking and looked down at me with concern. “I can’t just leave you out here.”

“I dunno,” was all I was able to respond with. Sirius shook his head and resumed walking. I was so tired and so dizzy. It was getting harder and harder to keep my eyes open.

“What were you even doing out here? Shouldn’t you be celebrating with your team?” Sirius asked.

“To find you.” The words slipped out of my mouth before I even had a chance to think them over. I felt his arm tighten around my waist just enough that I knew I had surprised him.

“To find me?” Sirius said with an almost laugh. “Last time I saw you, you were calling me a doorknob and seemed pretty angry with me.”

“I  _ am _ angry with you!” I shot back, continuing to struggle to move my legs, keep my eyes open, and formulate words.

“Is it because of the dog thing? Because come on it was  _ funny _ . A  _ joke,”  _ Sirius replied.

“Was it a joke too when you called me a bitch?” I slurred out a bit too aggressively, and I felt Sirius tense up next to me.

“I...I..” he stammered, struggling to find the right words. “I shouldn’t have said that. Heat of the moment, you know?”

“I don’t forgive you,” I said too nastily, too quickly without thought.

“I didn’t ask you to,” Sirius said gruffly. He now seemed annoyed with me. Although he couldn’t be that annoyed, as he was still dragging along my near-corpse of a body. I didn’t even know where we were going.

“Th-this isn’t what I wanted to talk to you about, you can call me whatever you want, I don’t care. You can call me a bitch, it doesn’t matter. That wasn’t supposed to be my point,” I replied, trying to redirect the conversation. I knew I had to bring it up now, before I lost the nerve or before I blacked out.

“What  _ did _ you want to talk to me about?” Sirius asked with an edge eagerness that made my heart beat a little too fast.

“The  _ cupboard _ , Sirius!” I said, like it was the most obvious thing in the word. He didn’t say anything in response and I looked up at him. I was back to seeing double. Both of Sirius’ faces looked taken aback.

“You’re really just going to dive right in then, huh?” Sirius said to me as he stopped walking. I however, did  _ not _ stop walking and stumbled forward, this time I was sure I was going face first into a centuries old stone floor. Yet again, a strong arm wrapped around my waist to keep me on my feet. I turned slowly, the entire room spinning, to face Sirius. I continued to sway back and forth, and his arm stayed glued around me to keep me upright. “You are maddening,” he said with a shake of his head, a playful grin settling onto his face. I wanted to slap him. Or kiss him. I don’t know.

“ _ I’m _ maddening? You’re the one who almost kissed me and then I see you feeling up some...some... _ floozie _ ,” the words came out thick and fast. I sounded more upset than I wanted to.

“It’s good to know it wasn’t just my ego convincing myself that you were into me,” Sirius replied, avoiding my comment about him and the greenhouse girl. “I thought you hated me,” he said.

“I’m not your biggest fan, you’re kind of a git,” I said bluntly, my vision verging on the threat of advancing from double to triple.

“It’s cute when you’re mean to me, like when you tell me to  _ get the fuck out of your compartment,” _ Sirius said teasingly, looking down at me. I swayed back and forth, looking at the lock of dark hair that had fallen in front of his face. I wanted more than anything to reach up and brush it out of the way, but I think I would have to be executed on sight if I did something so bold.

“Why didn’t you kiss me in the cupboard?” I pressed on with the conversation, determined to get to the bottom of this.

“You’re the last person I ever wanted to find myself interested in, Jade,” Sirius said a bit too honestly. I felt a lump in my throat and the threat of tears began to prick at my eyes. Don’t cry, you blundering idiot. Do. Not. Cry. “Oh God, no, Jade. Not like that, not like that,” Sirius said with a franticness in his voice, putting his second hand around my waist, pulling me a breath closer to him. Now we were fully facing each other,  _ embraced _ if you will.

“Then like what?” I struggled to get the words out. I was so tired, completely exhausted from everything.

“It would be  _ messy.  _ You are completely off limits. You know this. You know it would...it would never work. I got so caught up in it, having those detentions with you. It was instant chemistry, even with you being pissy and mean to me. I felt it. I knew. I knew you felt it too, I could see it on your face every time. You do blush  _ quite _ easily,” the words came pouring out of Sirius, and I’m not sure if he meant them or if he was trying everything he could to keep me from crying. I know no one wants to deal with the drunk crying girl.

“I still feel caught up in it. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to think about you, but I do,” I said softly, my speech heavily slurred. “I just needed to see you again. I needed to know I wasn’t crazy.”

“You’re not crazy. Or maybe you are, you did think you could find me by wandering around the castle pissed drunk,” Sirius said with a small laugh, his lips parted in a smile so I could see his teeth.

“It worked didn’t it?” I pointed a finger at his chest, letting my fingertip rest on his sternum long enough so he would feel the electricity between us linger. 

“Pretty sure I’m the one who found  _ you _ ,” Sirius grinned wider and I felt like I was melting. Here it was. All of the feelings I had been running from, determined to ignore. Didn’t I say talking to Sirius about those detentions would let me lay everything to rest? This feels like the exact opposite of that. My mind is so clouded with alcohol that I don’t even know what I think. All I knew right now is Sirius Black is standing in front of me, his hands around my waist, and I want to kiss him more than I’ve ever wanted to kiss anyone in my entire life. He was always an antagonist in my story, but he said it himself. We had instant chemistry, and it’s intoxicating.

“How  _ did _ you find me?” I asked, as I could feel myself verging into the drunken point of no return.

“Sometimes I look for you, see where you are,” Sirius said softly, leaning towards me ever so slightly, those same supply cupboard feelings filling me from head to toe.

“What do you mean you look for me?” I tried to ask Sirius, except the words didn’t come out. My vision was no longer double, the room no longer spinning. Because I was no longer conscious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHO AM I. Two updates back to back??


	14. Under Covers

I don’t know if I’m physically able to open my eyelids at this point in time. They might be glued shut permanently. Even if I could open them, I don’t know if I could handle seeing light right now. I could feel every vessel in my brain pulsating, and I know sunlight is going to make it even worse. I could feel the stomach bile and residual alcohol turning in my stomach, itching to make its way up my throat. I’ve been hungover before, but never like this. I think if I move, I will vomit  _ everywhere _ . Where even am I? I don’t remember falling asleep, all of last night is a haze. It  _ feels _ like I’m in a bed, so I must be in my bed. What other bed could I be in? I suppose I could be in Regulus’ bed. I’ve slept there many times before. Ahh, I do hear snoring next to me. I must be in Regulus’ bed.

Except. Regulus doesn’t snore.

Where the bloody hell am I?

After much contemplation, I began to peel my eyelids open. The first glance of morning light sent them flying shut once again. Why couldn’t I have just died of alcohol poisoning last night? I feel like that would have been  _ much _ less painful. Okay, Jade. Put on your big girl panties and open your damn eyes. You need to find out who this mystery snorer is. On the count of three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Nope. Nope. nOPE. NOPE. I closed my eyes yet again, refusing to believe what I just saw. This cannot be real life. I must be dreaming. I must have smoked something out of the greenhouse and am hallucinating. What the ever loving fuck did I do last night. With my eyes still closed, I instinctively felt down my body. My clothes are all still on. At least that’s a promising sign. I took a deep breath and prepared myself. I have to face this.

I willed my eyes open yet again and looked at the snoring Sirius Black next to me. The crimson curtains were drawn shut around the bed. He was also fully clothed, and he was sleeping on top of the bedding that I was currently tucked underneath. It gave me a small sense of hope that maybe I wasn’t the worst person in the world and maybe I  _ didn’t _ shag my best friend’s estranged brother.

Regardless of if I slept with him or not, I think I’m still the worst person in the world. I’m still in his bed aren’t I? I racked my brain for memories of last night, trying to figure out how I got to where I am now. I remember partying in the common room. I remember drinking too much. I don’t remember being with Sirius. Did I drunkenly stumble into the common room and demand he let me in his bed? WHY WOULD HE LET ME DO THAT? 

I reached over and prodded Sirius’ shoulder with my fingertip. He let out a louder snore and did not wake up at all. To my horror, he rolled over to face me and put an arm over me in his sleep. I felt my whole body tense up, and my hungover stomach threatened to empty its entire contents right then and there.

“Sirius,  _ Sirius, _ ” I whispered as quietly as I could, aware of the fact that he has three sleeping roommates, one of which is  _ my brother _ . I poked him in the chest, to no avail. “Sirius, I need you to wake up,” I whispered a touch louder as I shook his shoulder.

“Huh, what?” A half asleep Sirius’ eyes fluttered open. I watched tensely as his vision came into focus and he realized that it was  _ me _ shaking him awake. “Oh. It’s you,” is all he said, the ghost of a smile on his face. His arm was still draped over me. I peeled it off of me hastily, and this caused him to stir to a state of slightly more awake.

“What am I doing in your bed?” I whispered, anxious to get to the bottom of this. We laid there in his bed, facing each other. His gray eyes looked into mine, the smallest bit of sleep crust in the corner. “How did I get here?”

“Your hair is a  _ mess _ ,” is all Sirius said, smiling now with all of his teeth. I self consciously put a hand up to my hair to try and assess what I couldn’t see. I could feel my curls were matted, and I’m sure they looked much worse. More importantly, why is Sirius  _ flirting with me right now while we are in his bed??? _ What dimension have I entered?!

“ _ Why am I here! _ ” I began to sound exasperated. I needed to figure out how I got here, and my memory was completely failing me. I needed Sirius to stop being his stupid, charming self and fill in the blanks for me.

“Oh, you don’t remember?” Sirius said curiously. He propped his head up with one arm, resting his cheek in the palm of his hand. “You  _ were _ tanked last night, but you really don’t know how you got here?”

I felt my eyes roll into the back of my pounding head as it was obvious Sirius was relishing in this. “No! I don’t remember. Why would I be asking you if I could remember!”

“I missed having you get snippy with me. You’re quite good at it,” Sirius said teasingly, and it took all of my self control to not reach over and strangle him.

“Are you going to tell me or am I just going to have to live the rest of my life wondering why the fuck I am hungover to all hell in Sirius Black’s bed?” I snapped. “Did I just...waltz in here and demand you let me in?” 

This caused Sirius to let out a laugh. “No, hahaha. No waltzing into the Gryffindor tower. I brought you here.”

“You  _ brought me here _ ?!” I felt like my eyeballs were going to bulge out of their sockets. I pulled myself upright, now sitting up in Sirius’ bed. My whole body still hurt, but I could feel the hangover starting to abate a touch and my head beginning to become less foggy. “Did you  _ kidnap me?!” _

“If you consider me choosing to not leave you passed out in a hallway, sure. I kidnapped you,” Sirius said nonchalantly.

Okay, so he found me out in a hallway. That’s better than me drunkenly breaking into the Gryffindor common room. I raked a hand back through my tangled curls, likely making my bed head even worse. “I...I remember running out of the party…” I squinted, the hazy memories starting to come into clearer focus. “I was running away from Sebastiano,” I said slowly, and then it came back. Sebastiano making a pass at me, Sebastiano saying that stupid remark about Sirius and the greenhouse. Then it all came back. Wandering the halls, desperate to see Sirius. Him somehow finding me.

“Pacheco? You were running from him?” Sirius asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah he uh, asked me out I guess? It was uncomfortable, and I uh...just ran away,” I answered.

“Incredible,” Sirius said with a small shake of his head, smiling. “You’re not interested in him then?” Sirius asked too eagerly.

“Would you be jealous if I was?” I shot back, seeing my opportunity to gain some type of upper hand in this conversation.

“Me? Jealous of Pacheco? No way. He’s as bright as a box of rocks, everyone knows that,” Sirius said with a roll of his gray eyes that felt too familiar.  _ “He’s a vapid pretty boy,”  _ the memory of Regulus’ remark ringing in my head. My stomach dropped, filling with guilt. Here I was, in his brother’s bed,  _ flirting with his brother _ . My best friend, the one person I’m able to count on to be in my corner. And here I am, betraying him. He would never forgive me for what I’ve done. How could I be so  _ selfish?  _ “Do you remember what we talked about?” Sirius asked, interrupting my Regulus fueled guilt trip.

“What we talked about…” I concentrated hard on recalling my memories. 

_ “I got so caught up in it, having those detentions with you. It was instant chemistry, even with you being pissy and mean to me. I felt it. I knew. I knew you felt it too, I could see it on your face every time. You do blush quite easily,”  _ I remember Sirius saying to me.  _ “I still feel caught up in it. I don’t want to be. I don’t want to think about you, but I do,” _ I remember saying back to Sirius. 

I felt my face start to burn pink at the thought of it all. All of my guilty thoughts of Regulus evaporated out of my head like a puddle in the desert, now overwhelmed by new thoughts of  _ giddiness. _ I had finally admitted, out loud, that I was interested in Sirius. And he liked me too! He said so! I felt like...like...a teenage girl with an impossible crush that made me feel like I was on cloud nine. I could feel my heart buoy in my chest, an excitement I’ve never felt before washing over me. I felt like I had just done another sixteen shots of tequila, I felt delirious.

“Ahh, there’s that tell all blush. So you  _ do _ remember,” Sirius said with a smirk. I opened my mouth, trying to think of a cheeky response. I didn’t want the banter to end. Against all of my better judgement, I wanted to stay right here, next to Sirius in his bed, me under his covers and him on top of them. I wanted to hear him say more about this  _ instant chemistry _ he spoke of. I wanted to hear every single thought he had about me, because I needed reassurance that this was actually real life and not just a fever dream. All my brain could think about was how badly I needed to hear these things from Sirius  _ right now _ .

The quirky response I was trying to come up with never left my mouth, as another voice had entered the conversation.

“Padfoot  _ come on _ , I thought we agreed no more of your slags up in our dorm,” James’ voice sucked Sirius and I out of the bubble we had been in, inside of his four poster bed. I had been so wrapped up in remembering last night's events and overwhelmed with new and terrifying feelings that I had completely forgotten that  _ my brother _ was in the very same room. I looked at Sirius wide eyed, and he looked just as panicked as I did. Before either of us could even think of how to get out of our inevitable fate, the curtains were thrown back, exposing us to James, Remus, and Peter. “JADE?” James hollered, staring at me with wide, wild eyes. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?” He demanded. The volume of his voice was too loud for my hungover brain, and my head began throbbing painfully.

“I...I…” I stammered out, but couldn’t formulate words. Then he rounded on Sirius, continuing his yelling.

“WHY IS JADE IN YOUR BED, SIRIUS?!” James yelled so loudly that the entire castle and all of the creatures in the Forbidden Forest could hear him. Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but James continued to shout over him. “This is a new low, even for you! My sister is not going to be part of your string of tramps, she is off limits and you know that!” James kept scolding him, like the protective older brother he never was to me. It took me by surprise, to hear James be so defensive of me. Who knew all I had to do to make James act like a brother was make it look like I had slept with his best mate?

“James, James. It’s not what it looks li-” Sirius tried to come in with his defense, but James wasn’t having any of it.

“It looks like my little sister is IN YOUR BED, I don’t know what else there is to explain,” James was still raging. “It’s bad enough with you bringing Cassidy up here, but this is inexcusable!”

I sat straight up at the mention of Cassidy. The blonde girl. The girl in the greenhouse. The girl I saw Sirius kissing. Sirius brings  _ her _ up here? The blissful cloud of girlish infatuation I had just been on crumbled into dust, and I came hurtling back to reality. It felt like I had been shot in the chest, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I was a fool. A silly, naive girl who got wrapped up in the charm of Sirius Black and was stupid enough to believe him. I stabbed Regulus in the back for  _ this? _ Maybe this was karma. Maybe I deserve all of the hurt I’m feeling right now.

James kept yelling, but I wasn’t registering anything he was saying. All I knew is I had to get out of there, and get as far away from Sirius as I possibly could. Trying to keep myself from completely hyperventilating, I stumbled out of Sirius’ bed silently and began my escape. I ran for the door with my emotional chest wound sucking the breath out of me, and I did not stop running when I hit the common room. I should have disillusioned myself, or done something to be a little more stealthy, anyone could see me in here. I didn’t even think about that though, all I knew is I had to  _ get away _ . I kept running, looking wildly disheveled with my matted curly hair, my red rimmed eyes, wrinkled robes, and the stench of stale hangover.

I ran until I found an empty classroom to catch my breath in. I put my head down, both my hands on my knees, and forced my breathing to regulate. Tears threatened to spill but I bit the inside of my cheek to try and keep them at bay. I can’t believe I let myself be so stupid. As if Sirius meant anything he ever fucking said. All of that instant chemistry bullshit was just talk to make me look stupid. It was all just a game to him. He’s sleeping with Cassidy and I am just an idiot. Just a number in his “string of tramps” as my brother so eloquently put. I felt so embarrassed for myself, embarrassed that I would ever let myself be even the slightest bit emotionally vulnerable with someone so obviously terrible for me.

The chest wound stopped feeling so gaping, but it still ached. I was able to take slow, shaky breaths and regain a shred of composure. I needed to find Regulus, immediately. Rumors spread like wildfire, and I’m sure it will be all over the school soon that I was seen running out of the Gryffindor seventh year boys dormitory. I needed to get to Regulus before the rumors did, and I needed to explain what happened. I needed my best friend, the one person who I know would never hurt me or play me for the fool.


	15. Almost Like We're Siblings

I walked into the Slytherin common room, still reeling from the events of this morning on the inside. On the outside, I had regained enough composure to simply look like a  _ very _ hungover human. To the naked eye, I only appeared to be a hot mess that had had too much booze after a quidditch game. I was the only person on Earth who knew that in reality, I was a hot mess because in the last 24 hours I had drunkenly found Sirius Black, we had confessed our mutual interest in each other, blacked out, woken up in his bed, was found by my brother in his bed, and then finally (as if I had not been through enough!) I also found out that Sirius is exactly the womanizing prick I had always assumed him to be, as he has been sleezing around with leggy-blonde Cassidy in the very same bed I was in! I suppose Sirius also knows all of this, but that’s beside the point. He is completely beside all points now. He may as well be dead to me, I have decided.

I knew I had to find Regulus, quickly. I’m sure all of the Gryffindor house heard James _screaming_ about me being in Sirius’ bed, and if they somehow did not hear his loud mouth then they likely saw me bolting out of the seventh year boys dormitory. I did not need rumors reaching Regulus before I did. What I don’t know is how much of my….predicament...I want to disclose to him. I could fully disclose to Regulus every bit of what happened last night and this morning, and try to explain how I’ve had a stupid, nonsensical crush on his brother since we had those stupid, nonsensical detentions together where he was stupidly, nonsensically flirting with me. However, I can’t imagine he would take that well. It made me feel like the worst best friend on the planet, to be keeping that much information from him. But aren’t I already the worst best friend on the planet for doing it? What’s the point in causing him that type of emotional distress for no reason. Sirius is (again, I can’t stress this enough) dead to me, so there really is _no_ _point_ in telling Regulus.

Maybe I’m just talking myself into not telling him to try and make myself feel better.

To my relief, Regulus was sitting in the common room. To my surprise, he was sitting at one of the tables with Malcolm Mulciber, Evan Rosier, and Severus Snape. I suppose it wasn’t a  _ total _ surprise, Regulus does interact with our housemates a lot more than I do, especially those who are very entrenched in the pureblood mania that plagues our house. He says he has appearances he has to keep up, and I’ve never questioned it. I don’t like those people that he’s sitting with, but I do understand how overbearing his mother can be and how much pressure she puts on him.

They all looked like they were having a serious conversation, and I immediately felt like I was intruding by simply being in the common room. Regulus, who was sitting in a chair that faced the entrance, looked up at me. He gave me a dark look, and instant worry and guilt swept over me.  _ Did he already hear that I was found in his brother’s bed this morning? _ I shook the thought, there’s no way the news could have traveled this fast. Regulus gave me a subtle jerk of his head towards the girls dormitory, telling me to leave. I felt a stab of hurt at the motion. I knew it wasn’t anything personal, but I wanted time with my best friend, goddammit. I had been through the emotional wringer this morning, and while I don’t think I could tell Regulus  _ why _ I was distraught, I know that just spending time with him would make me feel better.

I made my way to my dorm, feeling rejected by (scumbag, blonde girl kissing slutbag) Sirius and by Regulus who was obviously very involved in some type of discussion with people who I fundamentally cannot stand. I figured now would be a good time to take a shower and wash off all of the bad choices and hangover crust that coated me. To my annoyance, Leigha Zambini and Scarlet Myers were in the dorm.

“Look what the cat dragged in,” Scarlet said with a sneer.

“Oh sod off, Scarlet,” I shot back at her. I wasn’t in the mood for childish bullying. I was too busy being upset about other childish things like having a stupid crush on a stupid boy and my best friend silently telling me  _ you can’t sit with us. _

“Heard you ran away from Sebastiano when he asked you out,” Leigha said nosily.

“I was very drunk,” I rubbed my temples, her nasally voice irritating my already pounding head.

“You shouldn’t be surprised, Leigha. We know she was raised with no social skills,” Scarlet chimed in with a mean giggle. “Those blood traitors she calls parents have no idea what manners are.”

“My parents have more manners in their pinkies than you do in your entire body, you pretentious bigot,” I snapped back at her. I was  _ not _ in the mood for Scarlet’s elitist bullshit. “Now leave me the fuck alone.  _ Please _ ,” I said with a sneer and a mock curtsy.

I slammed the bathroom door behind me, seething. I scrubbed at my skin until it felt raw. I wanted every bit of the last twelve hours washed off of me. I wanted Sebastiano’s unwanted arm around my shoulder and his gross suggestion about taking me to the greenhouse off of me. I wanted my roommates snide remarks off of me. I wanted Regulus’ dismissal off of me. Most importantly, I wanted Sirius off of me. I didn’t want to feel his arm wrapped around my waist as I drunkenly stumbled through the hallways, I didn’t want to have the smell of his bed sheets on me, I didn’t want to have his sleepy morning gaze on me, and most of all I did not want all of his empty words on me. I wanted the water and soap to clean off any feelings I had deluded myself into having for him, and I wanted to have all of the hope that had blossomed in my chest when he said all of those pretty things to me to run down the drain with the suds.

I wiped the fog off the bathroom mirror and examined myself closely. I looked, to put it kindly, like shit. Yes, my skin was clean, my hair washed and no longer a rats nest of dark curls, but my blue eyes were still bloodshot, purple shadows noticeably underneath them. My skin was drained of color. It occurred to me that the last thing I had eaten was the scone before the quidditch match. I could feel that I was physically hungry, but I was too emotionally shot to do anything about it. I wanted to curl up in my bed and sleep (and possibly never leave my bed,) but my shitty roommates were in there and I didn’t feel up to hearing Scarlet say any more nasty things about me or my parents. I couldn’t go sit in the common room, because Regulus was down there with the slimiest members of our house and he had made it clear that I shouldn't be there too. What was I going to do, where was I going to go?

I was left with only one option. The unthinkable.

I was going to (willingly) go to the library.

Homework had become a distant thought in my mind, what with quidditch practice and stupid boy problems about stupid boys. I was heinously behind in all of my classes, and I needed to catch up. Besides. What else is there for me to do? My only friend is hanging out with freaking  _ Snape _ . I grabbed my bag hastily and made my way to the library. As I passed through the common room, the table where Regulus sat was still in heated discussion. I couldn’t hear them, but Regulus’ face looked grim. I gave them only a fleeting glance, not knowing if Regulus even saw me pass by. He seemed very preoccupied with whatever they were talking about.

-x-

I found the quietest, most secluded corner in the library that I could. I didn’t want to deal with other people. The entire time between my shower and now, I had been in my own head, getting angrier about everything. 

I was mostly angry about Sirius, obviously. Every word he said to me played in my head on a loop. All of that instant chemistry horse shit. Did he tell  _ Cassidy _ those same things while she was in his bed? While he was feeling her up in the greenhouse? Then I would get angry at myself for letting myself get wrapped up with feelings for Sirius in the first place. I was also growing more annoyed with Regulus. I was annoyed he was socializing with people who think poorly of people like me and my parents. I was annoyed that while he usually had some type of twin-telepathy when I was upset, he had yet to come find me. (I know that’s an unreasonable thing to be upset about, but I am  _ unreasonably  _ cranky today.) Then I was angry yet again with myself, because the thing causing me to be the most upset is something that I couldn’t even talk to Regulus about, and it was completely my own doing.

I sat at the table with my head down. I had been in the library for likely forty minutes, but it had felt like  _ hours _ had passed. I did finish a charms essay, but it had burned out whatever energy I had. I know I need to eat, but I didn’t have a strong enough will to do anything other than be face down on a textbook that I didn’t want to be reading in the first place.

“Jade. Hey Jade. Are you awake?” A whisper pulled me out of the nap I was beginning to doze off into. I lifted my head, expecting to finally see Regulus.

“James?” I said in surprise. I rubbed my eyes to make sure I was seeing right. Maybe the Potter gene of terrible eyesight has finally come for me. 

“I, er, wanted to talk to you,” James said awkwardly. These were possibly the most civil words he’s said to me since I was eleven years old. He was not his usual hostile, grumpy, or arrogant self. He just looked uncomfortable to be here.

“About what?” I replied, even though I could only imagine there was one thing he wanted to talk to me about.

“I wanted to start by saying I’m sorry for yelling at you this morning.” I felt my jaw hit the ground. I sat there in utter disbelief. This is the first time James has ever apologized for  _ anything _ . “I was…” James waved his hands in the air, trying to find the right words. “I was very alarmed. I never expected to see you in my dorm, ever. Especially not in uh, that circumstance.”

“It really wasn’t what it loo-” I began to try to defend myself, but James held up his palm to me.

“I know, I know. Sirius explained. I wouldn’t have left you drunk in a hallway either,” James said, interrupting me. This caused me to let out a snort of laughter. “What?” he asked.

“No offense, James, but you and I both know we don’t get along. I definitely think you would have left me to choke on my own vomit in a hallway,” I replied.

“Oh come on. I would have at least dragged you into an empty classroom or broom closet to choke on your own vomit,” James joked. Both of us laughed, and it felt foreign. I never thought I would be laughing with James again. Didn’t I have some big old soliloquy with Regulus like, two weeks ago, about how I was  _ emotionally freeing myself of my brother _ ?

“Anyway,” James began talking again. “Listen, Jade. I know Sirius said he just...happened to find you. But I know him too well. He is my best mate, and he is a good person, but he is terrible to women,” James furrowed his brow, his forehead wrinkling in concern. I felt my cheeks involuntarily flush, knowing what James was implying. “Don’t get involved with him, and not just because you’re my sister and he’s my best friend and that it is revolting to think about. He has a reputation for a reason.”

“We’re not involved. There’s nothing between us,” I said a bit too quickly, a bit too defensively.

“If you say so,” James said suspiciously. “Just be careful.”

I let James’ warning sit between us, and I considered what he was saying. I was surprised that my brother was...acting brotherly and advising me to not get involved with infamous womanizers. I was also still very sore about Sirius, my feelings still very hurt. James is right. I need to stay away from him.

James scratched at the nape of his neck, looking like he had something else to say. “You played really well in our match.”

Of course he wanted to talk quidditch. Playing quidditch is the biggest facet of James’ personality.

“Thanks,” I said with a small smile. “Didn’t know I had it in me, honestly.”

“That was a hell of a hit on MacDonald,” James said, now also smiling.

“I didn’t mean to hit her right in the chest, it just kind of happened,” I said with a shrug. “This is so strange isn’t it? Talking about quidditch together? This is the most we’ve talked in ages and it’s not us yelling at each other. Almost like we’re siblings or something,” I pointed out. “And then you coming to  _ warn me _ about  _ a boy _ ? How big brother of you, I hardly recognize you”

“When I found you in his bed, I knew you were in imminent danger. I knew I had to say something to you,” James replied.

“Found you in whose bed?” Regulus had come up to our table, overhearing the last remark from James. He looked the furthest thing from happy.


	16. Undeserving Good Faith

I looked up at my best friend, mortified. I was grateful that James took the hint and scurried out of there in the blink of an eye. 

“Reg you have to listen to me before you get angry because it sounds a lot worse than what it is,” I said quickly, motioning for him to sit down. Regulus pulled out a chair and sat down gingerly, not breaking eye contact with me. I could tell he was studying my face, trying to read my emotions. He looked tense and angry, things I did not often see him as. 

“Sounds like your brother found you in someone’s bed, and I can only imagine it’s got to be one of his three cronies. Weird to see you two being so chummy,” Regulus said, narrowing his eyes. I’ve never been on the receiving end of Regulus’ anger. Yes, I annoy him nearly all of the time, but I’ve never had him be genuinely angry with him. It was clear he was upset. “Was it Sirius? It has to be Sirius. Who else could it be?” Regulus spat bitterly, jumping to conclusions, albeit correct conclusions.

“Yes, I woke up in Sirius’ bed,” Regulus opened his mouth, but I kept talking over him, refusing to give him the chance to jump to even more conclusions. “But you have to let me talk, okay? It’s not what it looks like. Let me explain everything to you, like I’ve been wanting to since this morning. It’s been a weird 24 hours for me,” I pleaded with him. He crossed his arms over his chest.

“Go on then,” he said flippantly. If Regulus was this angry now, I knew there was no way in hell I could tell him about my stupid crush on Sirius and all of the things we had said to each other while he dragged my drunk body throughout the castle. I would have to edit that out (besides, does it really even matter when I’ve decided that I’m never going to speak to Sirius ever again?) Which makes me a bad friend, but perhaps I’m a self preservationist at my core.

“As you know, I was uh...sloshed last night, to put it kindly. Like extremely, unbelievably drunk. Sebastiano asked me out after you left us on the couch,” I started.

“He did?” Regulus frowned deeper.

“Yeah and I ran away from him,” I replied.

“You...you ran away?” Regulus asked, and I could tell he was trying not to laugh. The anger was starting to thaw.

“Yes, I ran straight out of the common room. I kept running until I felt like I was far enough away from him. Unfortunately, I had run so far away that I got  _ lost _ . You know I can barely navigate this castle sober, let alone when I am pissed drunk,” I continued to explain.

“And you just happened to run away into my brother’s bed?” Regulus said in an agitated tone.

“Will you  _ please _ let me finish,” I pushed on, trying to get Regulus to understand. “The last thing I remember is sitting down against a wall because I had the spins. I blacked out. Apparently, Sirius found me passed out and didn’t know what to do, so he brought me to his dorm. Yes, I woke up in his bed but it was completely benign.” That is not the whole truth. I didn’t mean to end up in his bed, I didn’t even choose to go there, but it wasn’t benign. We had said all of those (nauseatingly) romantic things to each other, but that’s in the past now.

“There’s nothing going on between you two?” Regulus asked, his gray eyes still narrowed.

“No there’s nothing going on! We don’t even know each other!” I said, lying through my teeth with such ease that it scared me. “I was just a drunk idiot, in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’ve wanted to talk to you about it right away, before you heard it from somewhere else and got the wrong idea….you’ve just been...busy…please believe me, Reg. It was nothing but an unfortunate happenstance,” I said, feeling defeated.

Regulus laced his fingers together and took a deep breath, and I braced myself for impact.

“I’m sorry,” he said, his shoulders deflating. “I shouldn’t have been so snippy with you to begin with. It’s been a really stressful day. Of course I believe you.”

“It’s okay, it  _ does _ look and sound really bad. I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you sooner,” I said, swallowing the guilt that had been bubbling in my throat during this whole conversation. I’m grateful for how understanding Regulus is, how he always gives me the benefit of the doubt, how I don’t deserve his friendship or his good faith in me. I know I can never betray him again. I can never put our friendship at risk for something as stupid as  _ Sirius Black _ ever again.

“I think you and Sirius would actually be my worst nightmare. Real boggart material,” Regulus said with a laugh. Just like that, his anger melted away, replaced with understanding and jokes. 

“James’ too,” I said with a nervous laugh.

“Is that why he was here, talking to you?” Regulus asked.

“He had your same concerns. He took it upon himself to warn me that Sirius is horrible to women and I should stay away from him. It’s the most brotherly thing he’s ever done,” I said, Regulus letting out another laugh.

“I can’t say he’s wrong. Can’t believe James Potter and I agree on something. What dimension have we entered?” Reg chuckled.

“A dimension where I play quidditch and pass out in school hallways, apparently,” I joked.

“Well whatever dimension we’re in, don’t make a habit of blacking out and waking up in my brother’s bed please. I think my nerves would be fried by Christmas,” Regulus laughed, shaking his head.

“Ideally I’ll never be in that close of proximity to Sirius ever again,” I said, this time telling the truth. I never wanted to see him again. “What have you been up to?” I asked cautiously, trying to divert the conversation from Sirius and to also find out what Regulus was talking about with our housemates.

“Ugh,” Regulus let out a sigh, his head falling forward onto the table with a gentle thud. “I’m sorry you had to see me with those….people...in the common room. I know you don’t like them. I don’t like them either. It’s been  _ a day _ and it’s barely noon.” 

“What did you guys talk about?” I asked, now even more curious.

“We can’t talk about it here,” Regulus said darkly. “Too many ears.”

I followed Regulus out of the library, trying to keep up with his long strides, wondering what exactly this could be about. As we strode past the nearest aisle of shelves, I felt the air leave my lungs as my eyes landed on a grey eyed boy with a tight lipped frown standing among the books.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's a short chapter but a girl is exhausted with work and trying to get all of my christmas things done. I'm quarantining for the next ten days though, so I should have an abundance of time to write!


	17. Greenhouse Revisited

We settled on the greenhouse as the place to talk. It’s almost always empty on sunday, and it was unsurprising to find it deserted. I exhaled sharply as we entered the greenhouse, the memory of seeing Sirius kissing Cassidy still hanging in the air, sending an involuntary chill down my spine. Then, I inhaled the smell of dirt and earth and greenery, a smell of things I love, and let the rage and sadness that boiled in my veins subside. It didn’t matter now. Nothing about Sirius mattered. It’s over and it’s done before it was anything, and I don’t want to be seeing ghosts in a place I love.

I turned my attention to my best friend, someone who does matter, as he made his way through the rows of mandrakes and shrivelfig. He pulled out two classroom stools, dusting the dirt away with his sleeve. Of course Regulus is tidying even when he’s clearly distressed about something.

“What?” Regulus asked as I shook my head at him with a smile.

“Always prim and priggish, my sweet Regulus,” I said, sitting down on my now clean stool.

"I don't understand why you're so against me wanting things to be clean," Regulus said with a roll of his eyes.

"I'm not against it! Just making an observation," I said, grinning at him.

“I don't sit on dirt, Jade. Come on, I was raised better than that," Regulus replied, faltering as he remarked on how he was raised.

"Tell me what's going on, Reg," I said, concerned as he sat down on the stool, his normal rigid posture replaced with slumped shoulders. 

"How I'm being raised is starting to become a bigger and bigger problem," Regulus said, plucking the leaf off a nearby plant nervously, crushing it between his fingers. A sweet, sticky liquid oozed from the leaves. Kunamiraleaf. It’s a plant used often in potion making, found in most complex poison antidotes.

"What do you mean?" I asked. He didn't talk about his parents all too often anymore, there never was much change with them anyway. His mom is always a lunatic, his father always a lesser lunatic, they always hate Sirius, they always are overbearing, they are always obsessed with the pureblood mania. Regulus always dismisses them as “always the same” and avoids elaborating on it, especially as of late.

“You’ve heard of the dark lord, yes?” Regulus whispered, completely catching me off guard.

“I…” I started nervously. This was something we didn’t talk about. Yes, I had heard of him. He was sometimes in the news, a thing my parents wrinkled their noses at over breakfast. Discussion around him was most often found within the Slytherin house, where there were plenty of rumors about many of our own joining his ranks after they graduated. “Volde-?” I started.

“Yes, Voldemort,” Regulus finished for me, almost flinching at the name. “He’s gaining power. Fast. Faster than the prophet wants you to think. His numbers are increasing everyday, rapidly. My parents….they’re in so deep. Too deep. Especially my mother,” Regulus spat. I’ve never heard him speak of her with such vitriol. Yes, he has had a strained relationship with her but he always was able to soften his distaste for her beliefs. Regulus has always been determined to try and keep what was left of the Black Family together, and that included tolerating his mother who was the harshest of the bunch.

“It’s getting worse with her?” I asked.

“With all of them!” Regulus cried. “Especially her though. She’s unrelenting. She believes everything the Dark Lord says, takes it all as gospel. She can’t stand that the most ancient and noble house of Black isn’t of the relevancy it once was, and I think she sees the Dark Lord as her ticket back to that lifestyle. She’s been blasting people off the family tree left and right. My cousin Andromeda had the nerve to run off with a filthy mudblood,” Regulus mocked his mother’s shrill tone. “And she took her right off the tree! Finally blasted Sirius off of it too, even though he pruned himself from us almost two years ago! I’m surprised he hasn’t blasted me off too for even being friends with you!”

“Is that what this is about? Does she not want us to be friends?” I asked, recoiling at the thought of Regulus and I not being friends. That’s a reality I never want to face.

“I mean, you are part of the family that stole her favorite son,” Regulus said dryly. “She knows she can’t take me from you, though. She knows that would be the one thing to send me out through the garden too,” Regulus said, alluding to the night Sirius escaped Grimmauld Place, climbing down the trellis to never return. 

I reached over and grabbed Regulus’ hand, thinking touch might be of more comfort to him than any words I might come up with. The sap of the kunamiraleaf spread from his fingers to mine, and I let the silence settle between us to give Regulus the space to speak when he was ready.

“It’s not you, you’re just part of the larger picture,” Regulus started speaking again, taking a shaky breath. “My….my mother wants me to join his supporters," Regulus whispered so softly it almost sounded like he said nothing.

"What? She wants you to what?" I asked in disbelief, perhaps I had misheard him.

"She...says he wants someone from our family...the pureblood poster child family...to join the Dark Lord's ranks. She...she thinks it's a good idea, and she insists that the Dark Lord is demanding it! She thinks it's such a high honor, and she thinks no one is more perfect for the job than her own child," Regulus said angrily.

"She can't make you do that! How long has she been asking you to do this?" There were a million questions swimming in my head, I couldn't get them out fast enough. Voldemort's rise in power, the growing political tension amongst wizards. It had all felt so distant, almost something that was happening world's away. I felt protected in the bubble of school and of adolescence, and now I could see it dissolving right before me. Regulus, my Regulus, was being asked to work a blood purity tyrant?

"She's…. she's been asking me to do this since this summer…" Regulus said nervously, diverting his gaze away from me. 

"This summer! Why are you just telling me this now!" I felt my jaw drop open and my heart rate quicken.

"Because it's embarrassing, Jade!" Regulus ripped his hand out of my grasp, turning his shoulders away from me. "I know my family is a bunch of prejudiced pieces of shit! I know what their beliefs are, and it's becoming clearer and clearer everyday. I didn't tell you because I was scared you would think less of me, because of them. I never want you to associate me with their beliefs, but that’s becoming harder and harder as their beliefs become more warped and validated by others."

I looked at Regulus, with his crumpled shoulders and eyes that were fixated so hard on the ground I'm sure he was trying to not cry. "I'd never think that of you, Reg. You're my best friend, you're everything to me. I know you're a good person, they're not a reflection of you." I said, feeling like the worst person alive. I've been so caught up in all of my bullshit with Sirius that I couldn't see that my best friend was collapsing under the weight of the world. I wanted to pull Regulus so close to me that he could never leave, never be taken from me, and to keep him safe above all else. I reached out a hand to touch his shoulder and he recoiled away from me. It hurt, having him pull away.

"They're not a reflection of me, but you are the company you keep. I’m trapped with them! They're my family and they're monsters and they expect me to be a monster too!" 

"They can't make you, Regulus. Come live with me. I don't...have a great relationship with my parents but I can't imagine they'd tell me no," I said frantically. I could feel myself starting to grow more and more panicked at the thought of Regulus actually being forced to join Voldemort.

"Ha, join old Sirius yeah?" Regulus laughed bitterly. "I don't have that option. I couldn't do that to you or to your family."

"Of course you have that option! Live with me! If Sirius can leave, so can you!" I argued, not understanding why Regulus felt so trapped when he had the Black Family Refugee House available to him.

"You don't get it! It’s too late for me to do that!" He cried. "My mother is a sociopath. She's told me just enough information that it's too much information. If I ran away to your family's house now? All of you would be killed! I already know too much, it's too dangerous of me to leave when she can so easily keep tabs on me!"

I felt like the life was being drained out of me with every word Regulus said. "So... you have to join...him? You don't have any options?" I whispered, reaching my hand out to Regulus yet again. This time, he accepted my touch, lacing our fingers together.

"The only bit of luck I have is that my father at least has some common sense," Regulus said with a shaky breath. "He's been against it from the start and his word is always the final word when it comes down to it."

"He doesn't want you to join?" I asked, feeling a bit relieved.

"He doesn't...yet," Regulus replied, the shred of relief I had evaporating from my body. "He wants me to finish school first, says my studies are important. Once I graduate though it will be expected of me."

"Is that what you were talking about with Rosier, Mulciber, and Snape about? Joining after you graduate? Have they already joined?" I asked, my chest tight with anxiety. 

"No they haven't joined, but they all plan to once they graduate. They have connections with either families or our old classmates like Lucius Malfoy, and apparently the rumor mill has been busy circulating news that I'll be the first underage wizard to join the Dark Lord. I tried setting the record straight but I can't sound too disinterested can I? If I sound like I don't plan to, I could be killed because of the information my mother has forced upon me," Regulus said darkly. I felt tears start to well at the thought of Regulus being murdered, of never seeing him again. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep my composure, knowing I had to be strong right now. This wasn't about me. 

"So you'll…. you'll be killed if you don't join. You'll have to join when we finish school next year?" I said slowly, trying to digest the horrible reality in front of me. 

"I don't want to join. I don't agree with what he's doing. I don't want you for a second to think I'm like that," Regulus said, finally looking up at me. His gray eyes shining, his voice heavy. I bit my cheek harder, determined not to cry. "I just feel so stuck."

"You don't have to convince me you're a good person, Reg. You're the best person I know," I said reassuringly. It happened silently. I had never seen it happen before, but the rims of Regulus' eyes had reached capacity and tears rolled slowly onto his cheeks. I stood up off of my stool and threw my arms around him instinctively, and he buried his face into my chest. He cried quietly, the only sound was his sharp inhales as he tried to catch his breath. I was crying too, of course. I felt helpless, but I knew I needed to not be. I needed to help him, I had to. He's my best friend, I had to get him out of this mess.

"You won't have to join, your father bought you a year's time," I said in a choked voice. The heave of Regulus' shoulders from his silent sobs paused as he listened to me speak. "We'll…. we'll run away at the end of this year. We'll both be of age. My birthday is in May, I won't have the underage magic tracker on me anymore. We'll disappear. Far away from here. A whole ocean away, we'll go to America or Australia or somewhere we can't be found. We'll be safe, I know it. I am good at charms, I'll learn protection enchantments, I'll study every day until our escape day. We'll figure it out, I promise." The more I spoke of my plan, the more assured I became. We could do it. Regulus and I. We don't need anyone but each other. 

"I can't...you can't throw away your life like that. No. Maybe I could disappear but I can't ask that of you too, what kind of life would that be for you?" Regulus replied with his face still pressed to my torso, his voice muffled. 

"What kind of life would it be for me if you're not in it!" I replied, outraged at the idea of spending the rest of my days without him by my side.

"You mean it? You'd really do it?" Regulus asked, his voice so hopeful it broke my heart. 

"Of course I mean it. You're not trapped in a life you don't want, Regulus. We'll work on the logistics, we'll make it happen. I can't let you join that tyrant, I can't let you be murdered, and I can't have you living off in a cave by yourself for the rest of your life." I squeezed him tightly and I felt his muscles begin to relax.

"You're my best friend," was Regulus' only reply, but it said more than enough. He pulled out of my embrace, looking at me with so much fondness with his red rimmed eyes that I wanted to burst into tears all over again. In the span of one conversation it felt like I had lost Regulus and found him again.

"I will say, the most improbable aspect of this plan is the part where you say you will study every day," Regulus said with the smallest smile, the tension in the air melting.

"Oh fuck off," I rolled my eyes at him and we both laughed. I laced our hands together, fingers still sticky with kunamiraleaf residue. We walked out of the greenhouse together, hand in hand, in silence. I felt scared and uncertain about the very bleak future ahead of us. It wasn't going to be easy, and it felt like adulthood came crashing down on the two of us in the blink of an eye, but I knew we could handle it if we stuck by each other's side.


End file.
